Lora Havic's blog: "How I feel"

That is fine, say what you want, apparently not too many people deleted me, you cannot control who I decide to talk or not talk to neither can you make the decision for them, you can make it for yourself but that just shows what a hypocrite you are at calling me a supposed control freak..you have to have control of your surroundings or you feel incomplete, which makes you incomplete anyways because you will never have complete control, you hold no responsibility for not only your life but your actions......and im glad I got to know the real you instead of continuing to play cate in your bullshit.... say whatever you want about me, drama queen, F-U, yada, yada, yada......but you cannot take my sister Elmo or anyone else from me, and yes she is still my SISTER! you cant take people away from me and I hope you have a nice life in new york.....loose my number, and dont ever hack into my shit again, because if you do there will be problems....... p.s. you lied about casey, everything you said she told you was a bold face lie, you hacked into my shit........you cant even keep your own fucking stories straight........you cant even help yourself let alone anyone else.......you said once i was sounding like your real father, well mabye its because you act like a child thats overdue for a spanking........but thats ok....im fine now, and i brought it out because you brought it out by telling everyone how your running away because you cant take shit no more, if thats not being a drama queen i dont know what is...

Anti cannot control me or anyone else, I found out where my friends lie, If anyone wishes to still talk to me im still here, he cannot tell me who I can or cannot talk to, you wish not to talk to me that is fine, but I have several others like Elmo and Trin that wont mind talking to me, and theres nothing he can do, they are not just his friends and he renounced me as his daughter, so he has no say so any longer on what I do, You said I was being cold hearted dad....well guess what, now I am......and you know what, be thankful you made me this way...along with several others along the way, but you were the icing on the cake........SO here it is the new and improved darkened Lora Havic

Well...im having a bit of a depression spout....I just got offline with my mother {Yea i know my real mother, never thought i would talk to her again..}and found out some terrible news. She had been to the doctor and had test ran and after several years of her being in pain she found out that within a year she will become a paraplegic because she has degenerative disk disease in her neck and back... Its depressing to hear her talk about it because she keeps telling me she rather die than be in a wheel chair, and as much as i hated the things she did, I dont know what I would do if she passed away, it would kill me......and knowing my mother, she has made attempts..........I dont know how to deal with it.....im sitting here typing quietly not able to hold back the tears streaming down my face because it hurts so much......

To Dee.... Lifes a bitch and then you die. Karma has apparently caught up with your lies. You lied to your mom, you lied to your friends. And now your paying for it in the end. I dont see anyone really standing behind you.. Your reign of terror is through... I can survive on my own, and you cannot. I guess you cant have everything you want.. good by for now, so long you bitch! I hope they piss on your grave and bury you in a ditch!!!!! That was for all the things that bitch put me through, and now she got evicted from her apartment and has to survive by mommy........look who's the using cunt now HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Theres somethings that cannot be explained how you hurt me and broke my heart.. I cry at night with all this pain..... How could you let us fall apart... How did i not see any of this before... the way this all would end.... You hurt me as you walked through my door Through endless tears my heart will never mend I thought that the world had lost its way.. Its so hard sometimes....... Then i fell in love with you And you took that away...... Its not so difficult ...the world is not so difficult I thought i would always love you. I thought i would always need you.. I thought i would always care for you.. I thought you cared for me too.. I thought you always loved me. I thought you always needed me. I thought you always cared for me. I thought i cared for you too... I was a fool....you were a fraud.. I thought it was unconditional I must have missed the claus... {ohh why oh why oh why!} Why was I so weak to see how you hurt me... Why was I so blind to your motives Why couldnt i see how you used me.... Can you please tell me why! One tear hits the ground, silently without a sound Another falls from my cheek, does this make me weak? All day I fight back tears, all the lies, All the sneers The more tears that I try to hide, the more Im dying here inside Love is confusing too hard to explain way too many feelings, way too much pain Sometimes it builds up inside of your heart when it hurts down inside it has broken apart I thought i would always love you. I thought i would always need you.. I thought i would always care for you.. I thought you cared for me too.. I thought you always loved me. I thought you always needed me. I thought you always cared for me. I thought i cared for you too... I was a fool....you were a fraud.. I thought it was unconditional I must have missed the claus... {ohh why oh why oh why!} Why was I so weak to see how you hurt me... Why was I so blind to your motives Why couldnt i see how you used me.... Can you please tell me why! Time for you to explain why you broke my heart. You will never again get the chance to tear mine apart. Now i say goodbye to you now and forever more Take your lies away from me and walk out the door. The slowly setting sun, causes my heart to run Hurting and crying at everything you've done Sorry but I cannot stay , I need to fly far away And this time I will not come back Some other day. Now that you're gone I can finally move on with no fear My heart already sore, I feel my eyes fill with tears Its time to put this false love to an end For its going to take alot of years for this fradgile heart to mend I thought i would always love you. I thought i would always need you.. I thought i would always care for you.. I thought you cared for me too.. I thought you always loved me. I thought you always needed me. I thought you always cared for me. I thought i cared for you too... I was a fool....you were a fraud.. I thought it was unconditional I must have missed the claus... {ohh why oh why oh why!} Why was I so weak to see how you hurt me... Why was I so blind to your motives Why couldnt i see how you used me.... Can you please tell me why!

I felt your face and i think it kind of looks like mine... If it had would it look like it had my eyes... Would you believe me if i said im tired....of this Well here we go now one more time! I tried to climb your steps I tried to chase you down I tried to see how...low i could get down too the ground and... I tried to earn my way I tried to tame this night You better believe that ive tried to be there..... Whatever is said it goes on and on over and over...and over again keep spinning around i know that it wont stop till i step down from this for good I never thought id end up here...never.... Thought id be standing where i am I guess i kinda thought it would be easier.....than this I guess....I was wrong now one more time!! I tried to climb your steps I tried to chase you down I tried to see how...low i could get down too the ground and... I tried to earn my way I tried to tame this night You better believe that ive tried to be this..... Whatever is said it goes on and on over and over...and over again keep spinning around i know that it wont stop till i step down from this ..... Since i dont care its your decision since i dont care since i dont care about this decision Since I dont care....ABOUT.... whatever is said it goes on and on over and over and over again keep spinning around i know it wont stop till i step down from this for good whatever is said it goes on and on over and over and over again keep spinning around i know it wont stop till i step down from this for good I tried to climb your steps I tried to chase you down I tried to see how...low i could get down too the ground and... I tried to earn my way I tried to tame this night You better believe that ive tried to be here..... since i dont care myself.........since i dont care myself......since i dont care myself.......since i dont care myself.......

Excuse grammatical errors and such nonesense for im not in the right state of mind at the moment....... Life is like a box of chocolates .....you never know what your gonna get.....at least that is the old saying....but when your mind travels in a thousand different directions and your constantly going through points of dejavu...........well......to those that know me you know that story as well..... I have alot of thanks for making myself come to nevada, and at the same time i have alot of regrets as well.. more so thanks than regrets but the regrets still outweigh heavily on my mind. there are some things right now that are on my mind that are making me so depressed that i dont want to eat or sleep....but thank goodness i have my dad whos been making me eat and my body telling me fuck you your sleeping rather you like it or not....... i feel like a walking contradiction.....people say that im mean, then i am sweet, i am strong but i am weak......i feel lonely but im not, people say somethings wrong, but there are others who think i am so bubbly and happy.........why am i this contradiction that so many of you are botraying me as..... i can tell you why and it probably starts with my first life in clan..........see i was not a mute....i realize this now.........i could talk, i just refused too.....i refused to because i didnt wish to let anyone know how i was feeling because i was suppost to be one of the strongholds....im suppost to be one of the ones protection everyone from everyone else...and the ones who are strongholds, do not need a stronghold for themselves, they are suppost to be able to deal with every situation life or mother nature decides to throw at them for amusement. and yet, with each lifetime, i seem to fucking pop up no matter how many fucking people ive helped, no matter how many god damned strage situations ive survived, no matter how many times ive had my heart ripped out....i keep reappearing.........and why i think ive figured out......but we shall see if i pop up again......... The reason why i keep starting over is because of my inability to coop.... I bottle it up and bottle it up till the bottle overflows then i become a raging fucking loony toon........which is why everyone says i have the temper problem that i do. the reason why i didnt talk at the camp even though i had so many there secretly hurting me is because i thought i was meant to save the others not myself.....and i was wrong in that analogy, for if i cannot save myself, how the fuck am i able to save others..... Yes i am very strong......ive prooven that to others........but at the same time, i have weaknesses, im allowed to be weak, and until tonight i wasnt grasping that fact.......god how could i have been so stupid, and it was my stupidity that probabaly lead me into the stupid situations that i put myself into without realizing it and getting hurt all the damn time.......even protectors at times need protecting........even the strong need someone stronger.........the weak prey on the weak..........its not a matter of the strong will survive......everyone needs each other to survive period....not one person or object is a strong hold for society.........not even the gods.....why did it take me so long to sift this through my mind if any of this is making any sense to anyone............ive cried.......ive bled, im allowed to be weak once and a while, and as much as that fucking sucks its true...........you know everyone.......there was one time i was weak, one time i needed help.....one time i called upon family to help me......and you know what most of you fucking said.....it wasnt your god damn problem.........and some of you ive had to help in one way form or fashion rather it was fighting for you, helping you monitarily or just giving you a god damn ride somewhere, rather i liked some of you or not, and people can attest that i have helped people i hated for one reason and one reason only....because they were family, and unfortunately blood is thicker than water, and most have forgotten that fact........and it kills me........most of you are going to continue to repeat your existances throughout time because you will never be able to grasp that fact through your minds....and you know what....for some reason that actually saddens me because you will never be able to find peace. rather i hate you or not it really is sad.....but you know what, i may be wrong as well, that may be the wrong answer and i may repeat my life again till i get it right.....but im pretty sure that is one of the things wrong with me.......but for right now if i need to talk....at least i have someone here that will actually listen to me......and not someone who will listen to see what they can get out of me later. I am Lora Alexandra Havic............I may be a strong hold, i may be a guardian........i may still have some in need of me....but for right now.......im still searching for my saving grace, and until i find it, until i am able to save myself, i am unable to save others.....iam sorry i let some of you down, but i can not help someone if i am unable to help myself.........time for me to dissappear for now....if you have any questions on my sanity feel free to ask....

still off the internet should be back beginning of jan to jan 15th. for all updates talk to anti-cupid

You know I had read your blog about the whole TXR thing ....it had nothing to do with what people say, it had to do with what people saw.......you and mandi turned your noses at everyone and treated them poorly.....and they lashed back including your one friend that you had help running things....im not going to call you names anymore...your right its not worth it.......i admit my wrongs on that.......but alot of people have to realize is most of these people on the internet ....you never meet in real life....and too many people in groups take things so personally it goes to the extreme and in groups...its hard to control something like that.......as long as what you see is actual truth and not what you want to believe is true is all that matters......you had so many people that loved you and loved your station inferno....and now that you and your girl xtc turned your noses up to soo many, there are no one left to stand in your corner because you have burned your bridges to the point to where they cannot be mended......what you try to do and what you actually do are two different things...actions speak louder than words.....and it takes many years for people to learn that concept......and thats what alot of people have to learn including myself....but alot of people are too damned stubborn to admit that to themselves.........i hoped everyone learned a lesson from this experience and that things cool down......... Lora Havic

WELL WELL, YOU GUYS THOUGHT YOU WERE SO FUCKING GREAT....STUCK YOUR FUCKIN NOSES OUT AT EVERYONE LIKE YOUR SHIT DONT STINK, AND THOSE YOU THOUGHT WERE CLOSE BAILED ON YOUR SKANKY ASSES.......DAMN....THAT MUST SUCK...BUT AS THEY SAY...KARMA IS A BITCH.... TO SERENITY....ME AND MY DAD HAD A TALK ON WHAT HAPPENED AND HE TOLD ME YOU APOLOGIZED TO HIM....THAT TOOK ALOT OF GUTS ON YOUR PART TO DO SO AND IM PROUD OF YOU...AND IM SORRY FOR EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT YOU AS FOR XTC, INFERNO, PSYCHOBITCH AND THE REST OF YOU COCKSUCKERS, LIKE I SAID KARMA'S A BITCH AND IT SURE AS FUCK LOOK LIKE IT HIT YOU...TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK WITH US....