well, here we are again. i'm finally posting another blog, not like any of you really care. this blog is basically what i feel like lately. i feel like i'm missing something in my life. it seems like life and everything else is passing me by. it's not beeen the best year for me by any means. honestly i think my life sucks. my so called friends don't seem to actually BE friends. i've tried for years to be a friend to a few people but it feels like the feelings are far from mutual. i have major trust issues with people. a few people think they know me, but they have no idea who i am. i've been trying to change who i am lately but nobody seems to believe who i'm wanting to become.
i know everyone thinks i'm just a big, dorky perv but they couldn't be further from the truth. i've only acted that way for so long because everyone expected it from me. it's time to change that. way passed time for this. i think only one or two people have even given me a chance to show them i'm trying to change. it really started a couple weeks ago. a very good friend of mine informed me she had begun to get her life in order for the first time. she quit smoking, drinking, and started going to church. i am so proud of her. she also finally found a guy who treats her right. her change motivated me to try a little change myself. before i can do that, i need to tell you where i'm at now. i'm very unhappy with myself. i have been for a long time. i'm not going to lie to you, if it wasn't for my daughters i would've eaten a hollow point by now. i play it off but it kinda bothers me that i have two daughters but can only claim one. i understand why i can't claim both but that doesn't change anything. i go t the chance to speak to my younger daughter on the phone the other day for the first time ever. she had no idea who i was but she wanted to talk. i guess thats just because she's a three year old. a couple of you know who i'm talking about but i will not tell the rest of you. i'm sworn to silence and i will honor that. maybe sometime in the future she willl know me. my older daughter is everything to me. even though we live a couple hours from each other, i'm involved in her life. i know what's going on in her school, how she's doing, everything. i've been trying to save up to but a house so she can come live with me full time. i can't wait. i know it won't be easy but i can handle it. i'm sorry this blog has kinda jumped from place to place, i'm typing it as i think of it. sometimes it doesn't come out quite right. i had everything all thought out this morning as to what i was going to write. after i woke up i could only remember part of it. i hate getting older. i'm forgetting more and more stuff everyday now. i'm thinking of rejoining the gym. i figure if i'm going to try to change the inside, i may as well change the outside too. i'll let you know how that works out for me. if any of you have anything to say that may help me out, let me know. if you just want to try and down me, don't bother. you can't get me lower than i've gotten myself.
