My mom is in the final weeks of her life though to be perfectly honest and even though it brakes my heart to say this I think her last week. She's refusing food, chokes on drops of water and has let her body switch to dead weight when trying to lift her. She's talking to people that are not in the room, have passed on or you just don't even know what she is talking about. I am up right now be she is restless, in no pain but restless. She has thrown me out of the room because I won't get her out of bed to use the restroom. I tried explaining to her that she has a cathiter and it is okay to just go pee. She yells at me to get her out of bed. I tried and her legs gave out on me before she could at least stand and now she starts to slip from your arms. Damn it brakes my heart to see her this way. In her sleep I tell her that even though we will be sad, if she's ready to let go and join my grandfather in a better place to go ahead. She deserves her rest and to have her heart at peace. In the middle of all this I am trying to figure out a way to word a letter to all family members regarding coming to visit her and how long each person stays. Its hard to say Hey don't come till after 12 and don't stay more than an hour and a half unless you helping us out by staying and watching her for bit while we run errands. It's to say something like that without sounding like a fucking bitch. The hospice nurse was surprised that my mother had this happening to her and that she is only 55 she started to cry when she sat with my father and I explaining the new medication. I know I sound like a whinny bitch right now but I'm hanging on by a few threads here and trying my fucking hardest to stay strong for my mother, father and family and it's just getting harder and harder to put on the IM FINE disguise. I'm not fine I'm losing my mother. The one person in my life that know everything about me whether she wanted to know or not. This woman is my sacred heart and the pilar of my world. I know that soon that world is going to come crumbling down and need to to rebuild itself in a new light.I just wish it wasn't so. Now I'm just asking God to take her in her sleep and soon so she doesn't have to restless anymore.
