Sweettea's blog: "La La land"

Hope

It’s such an intangible, everyday thing. There are small everyday hopes and larger life changing, earth shattering, mind rendering life or death hopes.

I had a dream recently. The Dream scape was dark and , it was life at its rawest. No cover ups or fronts here. This dream, this memory won’t fade from my mind. Where hope is a bright ball of light. So shiny, floaty & beautiful. We are often drawn to it like a moth to a flame. No matter how high up and out if reach it may be. Hope can mean so much. Hope for a better tomorrow, a brighter day. Hope also tires into other things so closely like Trust, Faith, Love, Future.

We strive to reach goals in the hope that they are attainable. Without that bright ball of light, we can become lost, afraid, stagnant. Without tomorrow, why go thru today?

In this Dream scape, hopes light can be at arms reach or in the clouds themselves. The world is so dark that all the hope lights can be seen sharply & clearly. They shine that much brighter. The are dark unlit high rises, mountain ranges, hills, cliffs and gorges. Most hopes you have to climb for.

I can see myself on my first big climb. I was so much younger and cheerful. I had a bright smile then. I had so much hope for the future and felt things usually work out somehow. I saw this big shiny cheerful hope high up on a mountain side. I knew I could reach it and things would be okay. I started up the side of the mountain on a slippery trail, yet I had no doubt I would make it to the top and attain what I sought. I had to use hand and foot holds next as I climbed a sheer face on the side of this mountain peak. It was a tiring climb but I smiled the while way up. I was almost to the top! When I stood at the top I seen hope. So shiny & so close. All I had to do was jump! I didn’t even think twice, I jumped! I reached out to catch that light, still holding onto faith. I touched it and felt the warmth of the light, then it was intangible and I fell. Only then realizing how high up I had gone. I still maintained faith that it wouldn’t end like this. I was hopeful.

Even with wind rushing past me and I gazed up at that ever more distant light, I wouldn’t just crash right? The fall seemed slow and long. I was just beginning to think I would fall forever, then I crashed. My body impacted the ground so hard I bounced and there was a crater where I hit. For a second I was numb and hopeful, then the pain hit and I felt every muscle, bone, organ and nerve ending scream in agony. I couldn’t even cry out for the impact had left me without breath with which to scream. Tears fell down my face, it hurt so much. I couldn’t believe it happened. I lay there a few days screaming inside my own head. No one heard me. No passerby in this dark world stopped to see if I was okay. Everyone is on their own journey and I was alone. I realized I wasn’t going to die so I got up. I was broken and bruised beyond repair but I had faith and trust. Things would be okay somehow, right?

As I continued on my journey, walking roads, streets, dark forests, searching.. I continued on and told myself that it was just a fluke, just a once in a lifetime occurrence. I started to run across many small hopes, day-to-day things. Some were only one or two stories high. Going for them left me with shallow cuts & bruises, but I maintained hope. I had to. Every time I think I caught a break, fall, crash, boom. Every time I was sure THIS time would be different. My next high up shiny hope was at the top of a high-rise building. It looked to be at least a hundred stories high. My mind said “Don’t even think about it, you know better.” My heart said “What if?” My mind says again “It’s not worth it! It’s dangerous.” My heart says to me “What if? It’s a gamble, let’s go.”

So I start to climb this building, and arduous journey to be sure. (Yes, the elevator would have been the better route to take, but apparently as the moral of this story goes, I’m a dumbass.) So I climb straight up, tired and fatigued I finally reach the top. I see the light of hope so close, I want it, I need it. This time I do hesitate, but like a moth to flame, I run and jump over the edge. Reaching with both arms, this light I need so bad. My arms wrap around it and I feel it so warm and soft. I can’t hold onto it and I fall. I fall so fast it feels like a giant hand is pressing on my chest. My first fall was a leisurely stroll compared to this, I barely had time to register before I hit the concrete ground so hard nearby buildings shook. The impact left me screaming in silent agony once again. My body damaged, but healing already. My mind.. Not so much. I said to myself “I can’t, not anymore. I can’t do this anymore.”

For the first time in my life, I had No hope. No tomorrow, no future, no light, no smile, no laughter. I was alone and I was tired. I decided to lay there until I was no more. I couldn’t get up thru the pain. I had no reason to. My thoughts went to the ones who do need me, so I had to get up. I still had no light. So I just walked with little destination in mind. I had no hope. Walking on a desert road, I started to see a light. I knew it was hope there. Taunting me with that deceptively cheerful glow. I knew better. I kept walking but knew I would not be fooled anymore. Never again. But as I get closer, I see how bright it is. I know better, I shouldn’t even look at it. I say fuck it and walk closer, it’s still far off to be so bright. As I continue to walk forward I see it floating above a deep, dark canyon. The other side is so far I can barely see it. There is no coming back from a fall like this. I shrug and say ” fuck it”. Story of my life. It’s still distant to the actual edge of the cliff, so I start running. Running faster than I ever have before.

~ Sweettea~