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THE WATCHER RLFM TO DJWICCA's blog: "hmmm"

created on 05/11/2008  |  http://fubar.com/hmmm/b214864

The Old Farmer

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. . From morning till night she was always complaining about something.


The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.  He tried to plow a lot.  One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.  Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.
Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.


Killed her dead on the spot.


At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.  


This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.  So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.  
 
The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'  
 
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.  
 
'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

fish story


A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently
with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch these
fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them
there
licenses.
You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish!?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em
swim 'round for awhile.
Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests
and I takes 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the
truth Mr. Government Man.
I can show ya. It really works.'
'O. K..', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving north.

 

fish story


A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently
with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch these
fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them
there
licenses.
You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish!?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em
swim 'round for awhile.
Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests
and I takes 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the
truth Mr. Government Man.
I can show ya. It really works.'
'O. K..', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we
ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone
retiring and moving north.

 

Ole & Sven

 

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church , and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
 
I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:
 
'Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Now! Before It's Too Late!'
 
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'Leave us alone, you religious nuts!'

From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash... Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?'

 

life in the fast lane.....

DOUGLAS, Ariz. – It wasn't the beauty of the paintings that caught of the eye of Customs agents.

It was their drug-sniffing dog turning up his nose at the art that stopped the show.

Federal officials in Arizona say a man was taken into custody after Customs and Border Protection officers found 90 pounds of marijuana hidden in the frames of six large paintings in his vehicle.

Officers selected the man's vehicle for a routine inspection Friday at the border crossing in Douglas, Ariz., and their dog showed an interest in the paintings.

An X-ray revealed the marijuana in the frames.

The agency says the paintings were professionally done and the frames were nicely constructed.

The man was turned over to Immigration and Customs Enforcement. He had not been charged.

Last  week I was in Atlanta , Georgia attending  a conference. While I was in the airport,  returning home, I heard several people behind me  beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately  turned around and witnessed one of the greatest  acts of patriotism I have ever  seen.

Moving through the terminal  was a group of soldiers in their camos. As they began  heading to their gate, everyone (well almost  everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their  hands waving and cheering.



When  I saw the soldiers, probably 30-40 of them,  being applauded and cheered for, it hit me. I'm  not alone. I'm not the only red-blooded American  who still loves this country and supports our  troops and their families.

Of  course I immediately stopped and began clapping  for these young unsung heroes who are putting  their lives on the line everyday for us so we  can go to school, work and home without fear or  reprisal.



Just  when I thought I could not be more proud of my  country or of our service men and women, a young  girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to  one of the male soldiers. He kneeled down and  said 'hi.'


The  little girl then asked him if he would give  something to her daddy for  her.



The  young soldier, who didn't look any older than  maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did  she want to give to her Daddy. Then suddenly the  little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier,  gave him the biggest hug she could muster and  then kissed him on the cheek.

The  mother of the little girl, who said her  daughter's name was Courtney, told the young  soldier that her husband was a Marine and had  been in  Iraq for 11  months now. As the mom was explaining how much  her daughter Courtney missed her father, the  young soldier began to tear  up.



When  this temporarily single mom was done explaining  her situation, all of the soldiers huddled  together for a brief second. Then one of the  other servicemen pulled out a military-looking  walkie-talkie. They started playing with the  device and talking back and forth on  it.


After  about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier  walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said  this to her, 'I spoke to your daddy and he told  me to give this to you.' He then hugged this  little girl that he had just met and gave her a  kiss on the cheek. He finished by saying 'your  daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more  than anything and he is coming home very  soon.'

The mom at this point was crying  almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier  stood to his feet, he saluted Courtney and her  mom. I was standing no more than 6 feet away  from this entire event.



As  the soldiers began to leave, heading towards  their gate, people resumed their applause As I  stood there applauding and looked around, there  were very few dry eyes, including my own. That  young soldier in one last act of selflessness,  turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a  tear rolling down his cheek.

We  need to remember everyday all of our soldiers  and their families and thank God for them and  their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it's  good to be an American.

Great Idea....‏

The Business Section of a newspaper asked readers for ideas on "How Would You Fix the Economy?"  
 
This was the BEST idea.
 
Patriotic Retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the U.S. work force.
Pay them $1 million apiece severance with three stipulations...
 
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed!
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed!
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed!
 
Now this is the cheapest and most sensible approach yet, and a lot less expensive than the bailouts.
Wonder what Obama would have to say about it?
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE NICKNAMES: If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel . The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

No more sissy poems

None of that Sissy Crap Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!! 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh my butt off!! 9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND! Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Revenge

When your significant other does something that makes you angry don't give in to the temptation to argue and fight. Just count to ten, remain calm and after he goes to bed, super-glue his flip flops to the floor. I could watch this one over and over. OH wait a minute...I have!!! ATT1
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