ToyfulSweetartMavMOM's blog: "Words Matter A Great Deal To Me"

Okay the following jokes are male bashing jokes- and let's just hand out the ass band aids now so nobody gets all butt hurt! Read on.... ******************** Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get the remote. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals" Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, then it's our job to stomp them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we would hopefully like to have dinner with. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One ... men will screw anything. What's the best way to kill a man? Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one. How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch! What's the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don't have balls to scratch. What is a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing. What is the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares? How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows ... it's never been done. How are men and parking spaces alike? The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped. What is a man's idea of helping you with housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. What is the difference between men and E.T.? E.T. called home. What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer. Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis? So he can get air to his brain. How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head. How is a man like linoleum? If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next 20 years. Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it's never used. Why are men so happy? Because ignorance is bliss. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a woman? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time, who would reach the ground first? The woman ... the man would get lost. How are men like commercials? You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds. How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. What did God say after creating man? I can do better. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business. What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist. If men got pregnant ....Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed. What is gross stupidity? 144 men in one room. How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove. How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable." What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time! Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask for directions. Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have a penis to keep them in! What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who end up playing with them. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock! Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Why did God create a man before a women? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? The man. What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature. How are men like noodles? They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Why do men like BMWs? They can spell it. What do a vagina, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them. Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Why are men and spray paint alike? One squeeze and they're all over you. Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Why is food better than men? Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds. Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay. Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes. Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first. What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. What do ceramic tile and men have in common? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life! What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women. What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick! What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.