I just wrote this as a response in a Mumm which was asking if we had ever found "The One", the love of our life. I don't know why but it has stirred up something in me this evening that has made me very sad yet angry at the same time. I want, seek, search.....do not find. Not just the One, but so many things in life I think are due me, that i was made for but never find "the fit", like a key that never finds it counterpart, unfulfilled.....
I said: December 11, 2007 @ 3:35 pm
"I am jaded, bitter and doubting the whole concept of "true love", "soulmate" and "monogamy".
I thought one person could be THE one. It didn't last long. This was after countless frogs, toads, rats and reptiles. I think the time has passed. I think someone stole the needle from my haystack while I wasn't looking. I'd be surprised if I ever found him now. Or if he ever found me. I don't believe in fairy tales anymore. Not for me. "
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Not me. Maybe never.
It shatters my soul, broken shards of hope like cutting splinters dissecting what is left of my tattered optimism. Fuck YOU, fate. You too destiny. God surely is punishing me or teaching me some jewel of a lesson i'm too dense, too weak to grasp. FUCK YOU. Either make me numb or feed my soul, fill the swallowing pit of longing that consumes me today, always... forever? Cut my heart out or show me what loving is for. The knowledge of it without the feel of it is sheer cunning cruelty. No one knows how deep it goes, the chasm widening some 40 years. I'm too gone to reach now, i fear. The pain stains me....permanent and final. I'm damaged. Afraid. Broken. I'll never be whole again. It's too late for rainbows. Now is my survival.
This, you call living? The irony is not lost on me. The biggest heart gets no love. You think it's funny. I know it's tragic. Heartless. Debilitating. I hate the creator of these random rules...you get all, you get none, you get just enough to make you fragile and hollow, pretending to have enough, to be satisfied. Just enough to make you crazy and guilty for not being grateful.
I don't want to talk about it. Too many words whizzing by to snatch out of the air to make anyone understand. You won't get it anyway. This is a carefully constructed hell. You can't reach me here, though many have tried. I love them for the effort.
I will find my comfort in the darkness of sleep tonight. Perhaps my dreams will reveal my reckoning. Until tomorrow when the light again dances with the same shadows that haunt me today.
The tears have found me. Blistering and rolling down now.... reminding me that I'm not numb yet.
Away, away to slumber....
