I have been having a lot of mixed feelings lately. Mainly when I think about my 19 year old daughter in NY expecting her first child. She isn't much older than I was when I had her. Funny thing was I had finished HS and was married to her father when I had her. She is still in HS and is only living with her boyfriend/soon to be husband.
Part of me HATES not being there for her right now. Part of me is GLAD I am not there.
Part of me is MAD at her for not waiting to have a baby.
Part of me is EXCITED about the new baby.
AND A REALLY BIG PART of me Is HAVING MIXED FEELINGS!!!
It wasn't that long ago that my honorary 1st grand child passed away. He was only 3 months old and his parents lived with me. I have a onesie in my closet that I can't help but cry when I pull it out... it says "Grandma Magnet". I wasn't thrilled when I found out my daughter was pregnant and my friends tried to make light of it by telling everyone that Ronin was my grandson... to get me used to the idea of being a grandma. I never let them put that onesie on my "grandson". I wish I has let them after all that has happened.
I am afraid I will let my own 1st real grandson into my heart only to have it broken again. Why is this such a big worry now?! Because my daughter is due Dec. 31st but has been given every indication that Nathan isn't gonna wait that long! We all think I will be making a mad dash to NY in 2 or 3 weeks. I know I can't handle another heart break like that again. I am so worried that something might happen to him.
All 3 of my kids were 3 to 7 weeks early. I know medical science is advanced even more than 19 years ago but I feel like I need to have my guard up.
I had envisioned Ronin and Nathan playing in the yard one day..... That will never happen now.
How does someone move on and forget the pain that comes with losing a baby/child?! I just don't know that I can.
I can't wait to hold Nathan but I know I will hold my breath waiting for that dreaded phone call again.....
