Goody's blog: "Goody's Blog's..."

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client , James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

In Warwick, a Rhode Island State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD!' The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (Beats a lemonade stand!) BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Cranston, RI A $40. speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. BEST A young woman was pulled over in Providence, RI for speeding. As the RI State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Rhode Island State Police Ball. He replied, ' RI State Troopers don't have balls. There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car. PS: Little Rhody has its moments.

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interupts. "honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily . "fix the light ? Now ? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo pringted on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied "fix the fridge door ? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine ," she says "Then could you at lest fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break.""I'm not a damb carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," He says "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead.I don't think so" " I've had enough of you .I'm going to the bar!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house he sees that the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer he notices the fridge door is fixed? "Honey how did all this get fixed?" she said "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice man came along and asked me what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake." He said "So what kind of cake did you bake him ?" She replied "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I DON'T THINK SO!!!"

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own beat. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you," she replied with a knowing smile. "Great," he said, "I'll just step into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied. "But.. but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband. The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

One day Jack's dad bought a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face. Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?". // // // // Jack answered, "Dad we had extra classes today". Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face. His dad told him, this robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?" "Dad I went to my friend's house." Which friend? "David" Splatt... Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot. "No dad honestly I went for the movie with my girl friend." "Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to watch movies after school." Splatt, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot. Hearing all this, Jack's mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "After all he is your son, he will be like you". The robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Jack's mothers face :-)

FEMALE PRAYER Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind. Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end. And never attempt to hit on my friend. And as I kneel and pray by my bed. I look at the creep you sent me instead. Amen. MALE PRAYER: I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen.

A boy was standing on a corner selling fish, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish." The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that." The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the f*cking potatoes!"

WHO IS JACK SCHITT ? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O.

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..' The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains , because they've actually been used.' SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE