Ghosts of my past
Current mood: sad
I went to the movies tonight. I had no idea that the movie was going to bring back so many bad memories…memories I stuffed deep inside of me. It was Alpha Dog and it was ok until near the end. The boy was 15 and they hit him in the head with a shovel, and then killed him. Instantly, all my emotions resurfaced. I sat there and cried. I even thought about running out of the theater. I cried the whole way home. All I could think about was Randy, and his last moments, before and during him being beat with the baseball bat. Did he know? What were his thoughts? Or did it just happen so fast that in an instant, he was gone? I have been so strong for so long now. I have gone about like it doesn't exist. I'm fine on Holidays, on his birthday, and even on the anniversary of his death. When I was in PA I went to the grave, and I was fine again. In NC I took my niece to where he was killed. She had never been, and she wanted to go. I was fine. She cried, and I had to be strong. However, tonight I couldn't be strong. I couldn't hide the pain anymore. I can't stop crying. I don't want to sleep. I just want to be alone and that is what I am doing right now. It's been 8 and a half years. I should be over it by now. I thought I was. Then I realized that I have spent all of these years stuffing it down. All it took was one moment to resurface. I feel like I am reliving that first moment all over again. I have never hated them for what they have done. All I ever wanted was to find forgiveness. I have written them beginning for an explanation, begging for them to tell me his last moments. They write back, blaming it on each other, going around my questions. I feel like I deserve to know; they took his life. If they are so remorseful than they owe me at least that. But I'll never know and everyday I live with so much anger. Now I know why. It's hard when a loved one dies, but let me tell you it is even harder when they are murdered. He was 17! No one could even begin to understand what I feel unless they have lived it too. But then again, we are all different. I have gotten over natural deaths just fine. But this, I just can't get past it. And I swore that I was. But, tonight I know. I am out of words right now, I just needed to vent.
