George Carlin's
>New Rules For 2007
>
>
>New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
>reason
>you don't talk to people for 25 or 30 years. Because you don't particularly
>like them! Besid es, I already know what the captain of the football team
>is
>doing these days-he's mowing my lawn.
>
>New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless
>you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
>found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
>you expect it to contain? Caviar?
>
>New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
>teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
>kids: lucky little bastards.
>
>New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
>a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
>grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
>New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
>your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
>New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
>this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
>but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
>some scotch over ice and let it melt.
>That's your flavored water.
>
>New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
>pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
>bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
>in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
>crisis.
>
>New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from figuring which
>way
>to slide my card, entering my PIN number, finding and pressing "Enter,"
>verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
>"Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing
>there
>eating my candy bar.
>
>New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
>make
>you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. A nd it translates
>to
>"chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
>praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
>high.
>
>
>New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
>sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
>watching those celebrities playing poker was just too damned exciting.
>What's next, competitive farting? Oh no wait! They're already doing that.
>It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
>
>New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
>I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
>New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
>television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
>so
>we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
>something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
>good enough to be a movie.
>
>New Rule: No more gift regi stries. You know, it used to be just for
>weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations and getting out of
>rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
>you
>isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.
>
>New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
>I
>zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
>George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just
>some
>freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want
>to wash my hands.
>
>New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
>months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And
>I
>didn't really care in the first place.
>
>New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
>better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
>available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future a round saying" Do
>you want fries with that?"
>
