The Real Jenny Jones's blog: "Funny"

Found something I thought you folks would enjoy... this is a stupid person's guide to life. Oh and if you need to use this information to help improve your life or make it safer... I feel for you... MORON!! Now please read on, and I hope you enjoy this as much as I did!! By the way This was written by a dude named Samuel Stoddard. Don't eat rocks. Don't take naps in the road. Don't stoke fires with your fingers. Don't throw a brick straight up. Don't breathe car exhaust. If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket. For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist. Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them. Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers. The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption. If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes. If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head. Don't flip off the Mafia. If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit. Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes. Light birthday cake candles from back to front. Don't shave with a lawn mower. Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them. Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets. Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside. The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all." Don't bathe in a tub full of snow. Don't iron clothes while wearing them. The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road. Don't eat hot coals. Don't escape in to jail. Don't wash floors with cough syrup. Don't kick porcupines with bare feet. Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom. Sell at most one of your kidneys. Don't lie down in a cattle pen. Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth. Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun. Only squeeze the handle end of a sword. Don't snap towels at passing cops. Don't throw an angry cat straight up. Don't lick dry ice. Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up. Don't pour salt in your eyes. Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more. Don't microwave yourself. Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo. Don't swallow toothpaste. Don't chew Tylenol. Don't bathe in gasoline. Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump. Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls. Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets. Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls. Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish. Don't go swimming in a well. Rake leaves, not people. Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house. Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in. If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free. Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots. Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs. When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot. Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether. Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad. Elvis is dead. Get over it. Wear clothes. Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven. If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck. Don't drink. Don't drive. Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller. < wheel. sanding wire-bristled a with teeth your brush> When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire. When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel. No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo. Give me all your money. When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end. Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands. Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) 1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide.You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour'and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replacedby the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). ----------------------- 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. ------------------- 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. ----------------- 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting gr ouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse. ---------------------- 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ---------------------- 7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. -------------------- 8. The Former USA will adopt UKprices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. ------------------- 9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. ------------------- 10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth- see what it d id for them. Am erican brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------------------- 11.Hollywoodwill be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. --------------------- 12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. --------------------- 13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad for years. ----------------- 15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to1776). --------------- 16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (not cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen!