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Goofball's blog: "Funny ..."

created on 11/08/2006  |  http://fubar.com/funny/b22446
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. "It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?" "Well" replies Simon "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs." "That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew. "No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I've been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year." A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Kelly responds with: "That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?" Scroll down... Keep going this is great.... It's worth it honest..... "Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be ... Simon and Halfuncle."
On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?" "That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors." "But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired. "You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?" Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me." "Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now." So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?" Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?" "Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer." So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many uggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President. As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?" "That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me." "Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!" So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!" "No, you idiot!" shouted Bush ... "The child was Tony Blair!"

Tickle Me Elmo !!!

TICKLE ME ELMO There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Wives.. :-O

More Female Compassion Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Greta that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey,now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Greta agreed and again they made love. Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had Only eight hours of life left. He touched Greta's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, Then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny .. but I have to get up in the morning .. you don't."

Driving Round

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation ??? Scroll down ;)
v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v v * Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *

Fight ..

Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says, "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says, . . . . "I thought you were going to look after me." I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f***ing menthol".

Chinese Wedding ..

Chinese wedding A Chinese couple get married, and she's a virgin. On the wedding night she gets nervously under the sheets while her husband undresses. He climbs into bed next to her, and tries to be reassuring: "My darring. I know dis your firt time and you flighten.. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want" She says "I wanna try a 69" He said "You wanna beef with bloccolli"

Wellness !!!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Weather forcasting !!!!

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Central Qld (Bundaberg) asked their new elder, Roger if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since Roger was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side , he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.But being a practical leader, after several days Roger had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?" The meteorologist responded, " It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold." So Roger went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." Roger again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later Roger, having doubts and not wanting to look a fool in front of the tribe, called the Bureau again. "Now look, are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be really, really cold?" he asked. "Absolutely," the man replied, "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever. "How can you be so sure?" Roger asked. The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the Aboriginals are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign."

Excuses !!!

A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph. Suddenly, he thought,"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch-up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman :) ...
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