ToYBoX69's blog: "Funny Stuff"

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.' 'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

Lipstick in School (Priceless!) According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers .. and then there are educators

These are actual newspaper ads. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES . . . Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat; been out a while. Better be a reward. YOUNG COWS: NEVER BRED $300 Each . . . Also 1 gay bull $250. NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300 WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. $375 Call Stephanie. (And the best one) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory. 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 8. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 9. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. 16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade! 19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. 20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! 21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 23. Ok, so what's the speed of dark? 24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film. 29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 31. Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines. 32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. 34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 37. Just remember - if the world did not suck, we would all fall off.

Anderson's Barbies.. which one are U? 81 North Barbie This princess Barbie is sold only at Chicos and Coplons. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version. Regency Park Barbie The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Mill Hill Barbie This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. Northlake Barbie This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them. Homeland Park Barbie This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Starr Iva Barbie This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Mill Hill Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans , fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home. Downtown Barbie This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does no t want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Downtown Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free. Fairview Gardens Barbie This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Lower End of Main Street Barbie This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts

Take the Drink Quiz at QuizRocket.com!
Make Your Own Quiz

A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them, and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake. I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!' “ "I don't remember much after that . . ."

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers; the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive." The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...." MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us.

Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing? Because she smells like a new truck!