tscss has some new pics's blog: "Funny Jokes"

************************************************* (Big Sale Day) It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!" ************************************************* (The Good of a Bad Relationship) Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend. "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first!" ************************************************* (Men's Room) A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?" The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!" ************************************************* (Name That Animal, Kids) Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job! Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "A horny bastard!" called out Eddie. ************************************************* (Tiff With Riley) ''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. ''I got in a tiff with Riley.'' ''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.'' ''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.'' ''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?'' ''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.'' ************************************************* (Placing Your Order) A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here." ************************************************* (Buy a Mac) I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac. I was against it and an argument started. I said there were too few people supporting the Mac. He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?" And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs." ************************************************* (The Blonde and the Blinker) Two blondes were driving down the road. The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No.'' ************************************************* (Silent Treatment) A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up." ************************************************* ($100 Prayer) A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA", they decided to send it to the President. He was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read; "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. "However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through Washington, DC, and as usual, those guys deducted $95." ************************************************* (Isn't It True?) At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you." ************************************************* Who Let The Blondes Out? How many blondes does it take to milk a cow? Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down. ************************************************* Wanna Play House? A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate." He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." ************************************************* The Broken Doll Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break. "What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor. "My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed. "How did he break it, Emily?" "I hit him over the head with it." ************************************************* Perfect Wife Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, a good cook, and great in bed... But the law allows only one wife... ************************************************* (Spaghetti Sauce) Stumpy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving. In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again. That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Stumpy's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out." ************************************************* Watch Out For That Tree! A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?" The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, "Sir, that's your air freshener." ************************************************* Catfish Jokes Q. What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A. One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish! Q. What is the difference between a bearded lawyer and a catfish? A. One's slimy and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water. ************************************************* (Incontinent Vegetarian) What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter. ************************************************* (Man's Best Friend) Two guys are watching a dog lick its balls and one says "Man, I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "Really? I think I'd just pet him first." ************************************************* Two Jobs Q: What''s the difference between a gynecologist and a geneologist? A: One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush. ************************************************* Blonde Jokes...Or Are They? How many blonde jokes are there? None, they're all true! ************************************************* Baseball Heaven? Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday." ************************************************* Water in the Carburetor WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool." ************************************************* It's Time Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly. ************************************************* High Blood Pressure When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!" ************************************************* He's only interested in one thing A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class. The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be. "Power Rangers, of course," said the toddler. ************************************************* The boss returned from lunch in a good mood... The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday." ************************************************* Salesmen Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman knows when he's lying to you. ************************************************* Three Guys Go to Heaven Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. "So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "None. I had a perfect marriage." "Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Only twice, I think," says the second guy. "Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy. "Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford." Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying. "What's wrong?" "I just saw my wife." "So?" "She was riding a skateboard." ************************************************* A New Kind of Car Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life." ************************************************* A woman, a bus and a baby A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." ************************************************* New Math? A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!" ************************************************* Fall-Down Drunk A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again." ************************************************* Too Late, He's Long Dead The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!" ************************************************* Foreign Language A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?" ************************************************* Hell's in bad shape There was a fence that divided Heaven from Hell. One day God notices that the devil's side is in pretty bad shape. It is falling down, badly in need of paint, weeds growing up around it, etc. So, God hollers over the fence, “Hey Satan, why don't you fix up your side of the fence?” Satan hollers back, “Why don't you mind your own business.” So God says, “I'll hire a lawyer and sue you if you don't.” The devil replies, "Yeah, right. Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?" ************************************************* Two Vampire Bats One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave. He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. "Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked. "Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?" "Yes," the other bat replied. "Well, I didn't." ************************************************* The seagull A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ************************************************* Bow Shot Lawyer: “Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?” Defendant: “I didn't want to wake up the children.” ************************************************* Little Johnny's new baby brother Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where'd we get him?” His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.” Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!” ************************************************* Ever Go Fishing? A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed; however, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked. "Uhhh, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?" ************************************************* The Necklace After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams." ************************************************* (No Tail Light) "How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?" ************************************************* (Eighteen Double Vodkas) A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!" ************************************************* (The Burned Ears) A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened. He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...'' ''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked. ''They called back.'' ************************************************* (Wedding Vows) A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride." ************************************************* (Pig in a Bar) A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?" Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose." And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.'' ************************************************* (Not Happy) I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a really bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it... he was a DWARF! He looked up at me and said " Hey buddy, I am NOT Happy!" So I said, "Well then, which dwarf ARE you?" And that's how the fight started. ************************************************* (Perfect Penis) Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates. ''What's that?'' asked Jenny. ''Well,'' said Johnny, ''if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.''' ************************************************* (An older lady gets pulled over for speeding) Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?" Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding." Older Woman: "Oh, I see." Officer: "Can I see your license please?" Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." Officer: "Don't have one? " Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. " Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. " Older Woman: "I can't do that. " Officer: "Why not? " Older Woman: "I stole this car. " Officer: "Stole it? " Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner." Officer: "You what? " Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see." The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?" Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? " Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please." The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?" Older Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license." The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner." Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too." ************************************************* (Devil in the Church) One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." ************************************************* (Six Cups of Coffee) Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos. "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me." "Good," Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf." ************************************************* (Open the Can) A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..." ************************************************* (Write It Down) An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast." ************************************************* (Things You'd Love To Say (But Don't Dare) - I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. - How about never? Is never good for you? - I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. - Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... - I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. - I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. - I don't work here. I'm a consultant. - It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. - Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. - The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. - Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. ************************************************* (Success in Marriage) A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids." ************************************************* (Whisky) Why did God invent whisky? So the Irish would never rule the world. ************************************************* (Dinosaur Bones) Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the blonde guard, 'Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?' The guard replies, 'They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.' 'That's an awfully exact number,' says the tourist. 'How do you know their age so precisely?' The guard answers, 'Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!' ************************************************* (Value of Degrees) The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" ************************************************* (Yo mama's...Bus) Yo Mama is like a bus, she's big she doesn't smell very good and it's only a dollar to ride. ************************************************* (Bambi) A blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." ************************************************* (Playing in the Garden) A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain shit in our garden." ************************************************* (Johnny Big Head) Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head." His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings." ************************************************* (A Frog on the Psychic Hotline) A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class." ************************************************* A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security. The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him. Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" my friend asked nervously. "Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door." ************************************************* (7 and 7 is 11) A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. "How much is it?" she asked the storekeeper. "14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady. "14 cents! For what?" asked the lady. The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents." "I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11." "WHAT "As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11...I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11! Obviously, 7 and 7 is 11." ************************************************* (The Lawyer's Funeral) A man reluctantly attends his laywer's funeral expecting to be one of the one people there, and is suprised to see a huge turnout for this one terrible man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this lawyer's funeral?" he asks. A man turns towards him and says, "We''re all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects?" "No, we came to make sure he was really dead." ************************************************ (DUI) A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "I did alright," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." ************************************************* (PhoneLine) A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?'' ''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.'' ************************************************* (Sexual Olympics) A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze. "Silver," she said. "Why not gold?" "Because I want you to come second for once!" ************************************************* (Third Opinion) Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.'' ************************************************* (Salesman to Policeman) A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong." ************************************************* (What It Means) Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by. She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!" ************************************************* (Water Formula) Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?" Little Johnny replies, "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O!!" The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?" Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!" ************************************************* (Swerving Car) A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener." ************************************************* (Chow Time) One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!" ************************************************* (Who Runs the Human Body?) In the human body, which organ is in charge? All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss. The moral of the story? You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *sshole. ************************************************* (Are You Really Sure?) A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." "Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." ************************************************* (Ba Ba Black Sheep) Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Jed. "Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..." ************************************************* (Gorilla Control) A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun. "Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated." "Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?" "In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog." ************************************************* (Can I Help?) One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no." ************************************************* (Traffic Light) A woman driving in Brooklyn stopped her car for a red light. However, when the light turned green again, she just stayed right where she was. When the light had changed several times and she still hadn't moved, the traffic policeman finally went over to her and inquired politely, "What's the matter, lady, ain't we got no colors you like?" ************************************************* (Three-legged chicken) Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs. The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!" The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks." Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?" The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet." ************************************************* (I Like Your Thinking) A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking." ************************************************* (Too Many Instructions) A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ************************************************* (This old couple is ready to go to sleep so) This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?" The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change." ************************************************* (Ending It All) An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap. ************************************************* (Penis and Bread) Dad: Son, what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread? Son: I don't know. Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread. ************************************************* (Man of the House) A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife. "See if they fit." "They don't." "Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on. "I can't get into these." "And you won't, either, with that attitude." ************************************************* (50th Wedding Anniversary) A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. "Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!" ************************************************* (Rooster and Owl) What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl? A cock that stays up all night! *************************************************