PittsburghGirl4U's blog: "Funnies"

* I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

* Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

* I'm bored. Let's shave my little kitty, you big lion king!

* Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!

* God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

* I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

* You're so sexy when you're hungover.

* I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

* Let's subscribe to Hustler.

* Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

* Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

* I'll be out painting the house.

* I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

* Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see!

* I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

* No, no ... I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

* Your mother did a great job raising you.

* Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

* I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

* Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

* Not the mall again! Come on let's go to that new strip joint!

* Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

* You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

* That was a great fart! Do another one!

* I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you...

* A clitoris is a type of flower.

* A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.

* "Spread eagle" is an extinct bird.

* Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.

* A menstrual cycle has three wheels.

* A G-string is part of a fiddle.

* Semen is a term for sailors.

* Anus is a Latin term for sailors.

* Testicles are found on an octopus.

* Asphalt describes rectal problems.

* KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.

* Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish.

* Coitus is a musical instrument.

* Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.

* An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.

* A condom is a large apartment complex.

* An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir.

* A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.

* A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.

* An erection is when Japanese people vote.

* A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.

* Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass.

* Pornography is the business of making records.

* Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.

* Douche is the French word for "two."

1.  MILKING IT:   When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2.  ROBOTS:  When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3.  SILENT FRIGHT:   If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4.  NO LAUGHING MATTER:   Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak in whole sentences.

5.  CLOSING UP:  If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6.  POOR PRESENTATION:   Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7.  HANGING AROUND:   When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8.  BEING SHY:   Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9.  BEING A DRIP:   You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10.  CLOCK-WATCHING:   Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11.  FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:   Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12.  PLAYING DEAD:   Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13.  BEING POSSESSIVE:   If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14.  NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON:   Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

15.  SPITTING IT OUT:   When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16.  BEING UNGRATEFUL:   Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17.  SEEKING FAVORS:   Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.