Give me beer or give me death's blog: "Funnies and Surveys"

Read the following, both the letter and its reply. it's so funny!!!!!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 . I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , Lad's Night Out 4.2 and Day At The Races 1.1 run more infrequently than before, if at all. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run any of these, my favorite applications. In addition certain other programs have manifested from nowhere including Housekeeping Allowance 9.2, Washing Up 1.0, Vacuum the Floor 3.1 and Cosy Night In 6.2 I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help! Thanks, Troubled User..... _____________________________________ REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2 . However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5, Sulk 5.5 or Cold Shoulder 6.1. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system! As a last resort I'd suggest letting Wife 1.0 continue running and try a sub routine Bit on the Side 2.1 however it is imperative that Wife 1.0 and Bit on the Side 2.1 are never allowed to interface with one another or else it could lead to terminal and permanent damage to your floppy drive Best of luck, Tech Support

One December day a friend found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. They felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. They didn't know what to call her, so just named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let them know when they could come and get her. The husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (my friend Sally) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. The husband and the Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls the husband 'El-Cheap-O', and the husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with the husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day the husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen the husband arrive. He looked straight at him and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only know s who the father is!" Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Sent this as a bulletin but they fall away so quickly thought I'd do it as a blog. Feel free to post you answers and send them off to friends, or just link your friends to this blog so they can answer here. Copy the questions and add your own answers, I've started off with mine... ------------------------------------------------- 1. Ever been to a strip club? = Hell yeah! I'm 35 and spent 5 years sailing round the world ffs. 2. Ever been to a bar? Duh....... 3. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? Physically picked up and thrown out the door once too... 4. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? See Q3 5. Kissed someone of the same sex? No tongues.... 6. Thrown up from drinking too much? Not for at least a couple of months 7. Had sex in a car? Yes. Alway have to christen a new car. Hmm not done this one yet come to think of it honey.......... 8. Had sex in a park? Yes. Back of her mini was too cramped and the possibilty of being caught added to the fun. 9. Had sex in a movie theater? Yes. On a cruise liner .... hehehe. 10. Had sex in a bathroom? Yes. Floor bloody slippy after the shower too. 11. Had sex at work? Well I was working on the cruise ship at the time so that'd be a yes! 12. Have you ever been in an "adult" store? Yes 13. Bought something from an adult store? Yes but always as presents for other people.... ;>) 14. Have you spent over $100.00 in one visit to the adult store? Hmm about £50. That'd be a yes. 15. Is there someone you wished you never had sex with? No. No regrets, life's too short. 16. Is there someone you wish you could have had sex with? Yes, not going into details. 17. Is there anyone on your friends list you wish you could have sex with? Yes, one or two!! 18. Have you ever had a threesome? Yes. About 10 years ago. 19. Are your breasts real? They're called "Man Boobs" and they're currently shrinking! 20. Have you ever kissed a stranger? Everyone's a stranger until they become a friend. Yes 21. Have you ever had a one night stand? Yes 22. Does anyone have naughty pics of you? Yes. 23. Do you like the idea of romantic, nice n slow MAKING LOVE? Depends on what mood we're both in, sometimes. 24. Any nationality you find very sexy? Scandanavians (Yes I know that's a combination of nationalities). 25. Does uniform arouse you? WPC, Nurse or French maid. Has to be on the right person tho', an outfit won't make a porker into a princess!!