Wack Juice's blog: "Fun Stuff"

Attorneys Questions Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: "Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" ------------------------------- "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" ------------------------------- "Were you present when your picture was taken?" ------------------------------- "Were you alone or by yourself?" ------------------------------- "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" ------------------------------- "Did he kill you?" ------------------------------- "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" ------------------------------- "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" ------------------------------- "How many times have you committed suicide?" ------------------------------- Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" A: "Yes." Q: "And what were doing at that time?" ------------------------------- Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes." Q: "How many were boys?" A: "None." Q: "Were there any girls ------------------------------- Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" A: "Yes." Q: "And these stairs, did they do up also?" ------------------------------- Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" A: "I went to Europe, Sir." Q: "And you took your new wife?" ------------------------------- Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?" A: "By death." Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" ------------------------------- Q: "Can you describe the individual?" A: "He was about medium height and had a beard." Q: "Was this a male, or a female?" ------------------------------- Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." ------------------------------- Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people." ------------------------------- Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK?" What school did you go to?" A: "Oral." ------------------------------- Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" ------------------------------- Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?" A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." ------------------------------- Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" A: "I have been since early childhood." ------------------------------- Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the Autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." ------------------------------- This one isn't a dumb lawyer mistake, this one happened to our very own hillz!! Q: "Hey whatcha up to hillz?" A: "Looking at pictures of my new niece" Q: "oh? girl or boy?" A: "SHE's a boy!!!"

When u break a girls heart, She still feels it when U run into each other 3 years later When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind. Including you. When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply. When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, She is wondering about things. Like if your deeply thinking about her, if you care for her at all, or how long you will be around. When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a few seconds, she is not at all fine. When a girl stares at you, She is wondering why. Why you are the way you are, why things happened the way they did, and why she still cares. When a girl lays her head on your chest, She is wishing for you to be hers forever. When a girl says that she can't live without you, She has made up her mind that you are her future. When a girl says, "I miss you, " No one in this world can miss you more than that When a girl is mean to you after a breakup She wants you back, But she's scared she'll get hurt And knows you're gone forever Guy Facts: When a guy calls you, He wants to be with you When a guy is quiet, He's listening to you... When a guy is not arguing, He realizes he's wrong When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few minutes, He means it When a guy stares at you, He wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do When you're laying your head on a guy's chest, He has the world When a guy calls you everyday, He is in love When a (good) guy tells you he loves you, He means it When a guy says he can't live without you, He's with you till your done When a guy says, "I miss you, " He misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else Repost this in 10 minutes and your true love will call you post this as IF YOUR A GUY "WHEN A GUY MISSES YOU" AND IF YOUR A GIRL POST IT AS "when a girl misses u When u break a girls heart, She still feels it when U run into each other 3 years later When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind. Including you. When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply. When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, She is wondering about things. Like if your deeply thinking about her, if you care for her at all, or how long you will be around. When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a few seconds, she is not at all fine. When a girl stares at you, She is wondering why. Why you are the way you are, why things happened the way they did, and why she still cares. When a girl lays her head on your chest, She is wishing for you to be hers forever. When a girl says that she can't live without you, She has made up her mind that you are her future. When a girl says, "I miss you, " No one in this world can miss you more than that When a girl is mean to you after a breakup She wants you back, But she's scared she'll get hurt And knows you're gone forever Guy Facts: When a guy calls you, He wants to be with you When a guy is quiet, He's listening to you... When a guy is not arguing, He realizes he's wrong When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few minutes, He means it When a guy stares at you, He wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do When you're laying your head on a guy's chest, He has the world When a guy calls you everyday, He is in love When a (good) guy tells you he loves you, He means it When a guy says he can't live without you, He's with you till your done When a guy says, "I miss you, " He misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else Repost this in 10 minutes and your true love will call you post this as IF YOUR A GUY "WHEN A GUY MISSES YOU" AND IF YOUR A GIRL POST IT AS "when a girl misses u

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. 2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. 3. If you have any doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him. 4. Allow your intuition - or spirit to save you from heartache. 5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. 6. Don't force an attraction. 7. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. 8. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. 9. Don't settle. 10. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. 11. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship - take that as a big sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that? 12. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. 13. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess. 14. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. 15. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you. 16. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? 17. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince. 18. Always put yourself and your happiness first. 19. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. 20. If he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested. 21. Be honest and upfront. 22. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out, but don't wait for him, move on. 23. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the women in his family, not just mom. 24. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them...flee. 25. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within. 26. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself --double-standard. 27. Don't ever make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has better education or in a better job. 28. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more - nothing less. 29. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you! 30. Don't compete with other women, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see. 31. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying, leave him. 32. Actions speak louder than words. 33. Never let a man define who you are. 34. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that. 35. Never borrow someone else's man. 36. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. 37. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you. 38. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the number one person in your life. 39. Love is a verb. 40. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable-available, someone ungiving-giving, and someone unloving-loving. 41. A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you. 42. All men are not dogs. 43. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street. 44. If you don't love yourself...you can't love anyone else. 45. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart. 46. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. 47. You should never look for someone to complete you...a relationship consists of two whole individuals...look for someone complementary...not supplementary. 48. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. 49. Never give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it. 50. Never become your mans' "therapist". 51. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions and respond to them. 52. A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it -- but it takes two to make it work. 53. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world, within reason, that he wouldn't do for you. 54. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him he takes you for granted. 55. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure him to spend time with you, You cant force a man to hang out with you. 56. If you wouldn't allow your daughter to be with him you shouldn't. 57. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. 58. Never move into his mother's house. 59. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone. 60. Never co-sign for a man. 61. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent. 62. Never spoil your man; let him spoil you. 63. Never let a man mess up your credit. 64. When it's time to let go; let go. 65. Good men should be treated like good men. 66. Don't play games. 67. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. 68. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. 69. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values, beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status, are important. 70. If he says he is not ready for a commitment, it means he is not ready for a commitment with you. Men will easily commit to the right woman. 71. Judge a man by his actions and not by his words. 72. Make the man feel he is the one in control but know that you are the one with the ultimate power. - I'm NOT your typical female by any means. - I'm very open minded. Give it a shot. - I NEVER judge people without reason. - I Can get along with just about anyone. - I can be the BIGGEST GEEK sometimes, but I'm fun. - I have a serious side and I'm very deep. - I tend to speak the truth because I don't like LIES. - I'm a really good girl - promise! - I LOVE to smile & laugh. - I have a flirty personality, it doesnt mean Im a slut. - I love to write - just look at my blogs! - I enjoy getting into intelligent conversations so please stimulate my mind. - My friends and family are my world. - I got a real big *HeARt* but people tend to step all over it or break it. - I'm very generous, caring, and sympathetic. - I have an obscure way of thinking ... but get to know me ok. - I'm very trustworthy and loyal. - I am loveable, yet easily hurt. - I forgive TOO easily but I NEVER forget. - I get along better with guys and have few 'close' girl friends. - I can hold my own and HATE being treated like a child. - I have more INNER beauty than physical beauty. - I can tolerate a LOT - but pushing my buttons WILL set me off.

You know, when men try to pick up women, some of them spend a lot of time asking the wrong damn question. Now, I know some guy is going to say "Women do tooo" So, I've compiled a list of some of the questions that I've been asked and some of my favorite answers. Q. Are your tits real? A. Is your *ick real?? Q. Are you really 36? A. No, I'm lying about being a middle aged woman so I can drink w/o being carded. Q. Are you bi-sexual? A. If bi means twice a week, if I can be I am. Q. Did it hurt? A. What? When I fell from heaven? Why are you even trying that bullshit ass line with a woman over 12? Q. Do your parents know you're this beautiful? A. No jackass, they've never seen me.....what? Q. What gets you hot? A. Heat asshole. Q. Do you like anal? A. *looks for ignore or block button*..... Q. So, what are you looking for? A. Someone else to talk to. Q. Would you ride my *ock? A. If it fits through this little ass phone line, what's the point? Q. Do you come here often? A. It's the damn internet, we're all here often. Q. Would you go out with a guy like me? A. After asking any of the above questions? Fuck no. Q. Are you always this mean? A. Nope, I take Sunday's off..... Q. Did I make this *hit up? A. I wish....lmao, it's all real folks

My name is Misty I'm only three, My eyes are swollen I cannot see, I must be stupid I must be bad, What else could have Made my daddy so mad? I wish I were better I wish I weren't ugly, Then maybe my mommy Would still want to hug me. I can't speak at all I can't do a wrong Or else I'm locked up All the day long. When I awake I'm all alone The house is dark My folks aren't home. When my mommy does come I'll try and be nice, So maybe I'll get just One whipping tonight. Don't make a sound! I just heard a car My daddy is back From Charlie's Bar. I hear him curse, My name he calls, I press myself Against the wall. I try and hide From his evil eyes, I'm so afraid now I'm starting to cry. He finds me weeping, He shouts ugly words, He says its my fault That he suffers at work. He slaps me and hits me And yells at me more, I finally get free And I run for the door. He's already locked it And I start to bawl, He takes me and throws me Against the hard wall. I fall to the floor With my bones nearly broken, And my daddy continues With more bad words spoken. "I'm sorry!", I scream, But its much too late. His face has been twisted Into unimaginable hate. The hurt and the pain Again and again. Oh please God, have mercy! Oh please let it end! And he finally stops And heads for the door, While I lay there motionless Sprawled on the floor. My name is Misty And I am but three, Tonight my daddy Murdered me.

My son came home from school one day, With a smirk upon his face. He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place. Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright? It's all about the laws today, The "Children's Bill of Rights." It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair. No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear. I have freedom from religion, and regardless as to what you say, I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray. I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue & nose. I can read & watch just what I like, get tattoos from head to toe. And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime. I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind. Don't you ever touch me, my body's only for my use, not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse. Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you. That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too! Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me, or I'll call Children's Services Division, better know as C.S.D. Of course my first instinct was to toss him out the door. But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more. I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go. A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro. Next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store. I told him, "Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore. I've called and checked with C.S.D. who said they didn't care if I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike Airs. I've cancelled that appointment to take your driver's test. The C.S.D. is unconcerned so I'll decide what's best. I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch. And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch. Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time. We're having liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine. He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR? "Sorry, but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car. I also rented out your room, you'll take the couch instead. The C.S.D. requires just a roof over your head. Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose what we eat. That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something neat. I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike & roller blades. Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights," It's in effect today! Hey hot shot, are you crying, why are you on your knees? Are you asking God to help you out, Instead of C.S.D..?

When i ask you to listen to me, and you start giving me advise, you have not done what i asked. When i ask you to listen, to me, and you begin to tell me why i should feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings, when i ask you to listen to me, and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me. Strange as that may seem, listen! All i ask is that you listen. Dont talk or do.. Just hear me. Advice is cheap, 50cents will get you Dear Abby, and Billy Grahm in the same newspaper, and i can do for myself; I am not helpless, Maybe discouraged, and faltering, but not helpless. when you do for something for me that i can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy, but when you accept as a simple fact, that i feel what i feel no matter how irrational then i can stop trying to convince you and get on about this buisness of understanding what is behind this irrational feeling, and when that's clear the answers are obvious, and i dont need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them. perhaps that's why a prayer works, sometimes, for some people. Because god is mute, and he doesn't give advice, or try to fix things. He just listens and lets you try to work things out for yourself. So please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and i'll listen to you!

Job Application This is an actual job application submitted to a fast-food restaurant: NAME: Greg B DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday . DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.