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"P.S. MOMMA"

"P.S. MOMMA" Hey Momma this is me, your little baby boy. I miss my G.I. Joe's and the rest of my toys. But I'm at camp right now with all the other boys. And I made a new friend and his name is Roy. So Momma I'm gone, but I'm not too far. Cuz I'm still with you in your prayers and the bottom of your heart. I know you miss me Momma, but I'll be home in a while. p.s. Momma.............here's you a smile. Hey momma this is me, and Roy say's to say hi. Two more weeks of basic and we'll both earn our stripes! Thanks for all of your letters they helped me to get by. And I'm sorry this is short, but they don't give us much time. So Momma I'm gone, but I'm not too far. Cuz I'm still with you in your prayers and the bottom of your heart. I know you miss me Momma, but I'll be home in a while. p.s. Momma...........here's you a smile. Hey Momma this is me, from the other side of the world. We'll be home in 12 days and I'm bringing home a girl. We'll be home by Christmas. That's what my papers said! And it sure will be nice to sleep in my old bed. So momma I'm gone but I'm not too far. Cuz I'm still with you in your prayers and the bottom of your heart. I know you miss me Momma, but I'll be home in a while. p.s. Momma.............here's you a smile. Hey Momma this is me, and I've got some bad news. And I wrote this letter in the middle of June. You should probably sit down before you read anymore. Cuz your little baby boy lost his life in the war. So Momma I'm gone. But I'm not too far. Cuz I'm still with you in your prayers, and the bottom of your heart. You need to be strong Momma. Don't you dare cry. I love you Mo
Dear Wife, During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be sleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move KEEP READING....... ===================================================== TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't come with energy 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching TV Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. Once you read this letter you have to keep it going. This game has been played since 1996. So here are the rules: If you read this on a Sunday, wish for a good week If you read this on a Monday, wish for money If you read this on a Tuesday, wish for love If you read this on a Wednesday, wish for success If you read this on a Thursday, wish for anything you want If you read this on a Friday, wish for a really hot date If you read this on a Saturday, wish for an important phone call

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius) 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (they don't have enough time) 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they don't stop to ask directions) 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) You're laughing, aren't you?!?! 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties) 6 WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) 7. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? (because if they all went, it would be Hell.) Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...... Then you are just an old sour fart!

BEFORE I WAS A MOM ! ! ! ! ! !

"? Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. ? ? I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. ? I never thought about immunizations. ? ? Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on. ? ? Pooped on. ? ? Chewed on. ? ? Peed on. ? ? I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. ? ? I slept all night. ? ? Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. ? ? Or give shots. ? ? I never looked into teary eyes and cried. ? ? I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. ? ? I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. ? ? Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down. ? ? I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. ? ? I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. ? ? I never knew that I could love someone so much. ? ? I never knew I would love being a Mom. ? ? Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. ? ? I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. ? ? I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. ? ? I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy. ? ? Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. ? ? I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. ? ? I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom. ?

WHY DOES A WOMEN CRY ....

WHY DOES A WOMEN CRY !! ! ! ! A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will." Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason." Was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he sent pray to God who would surely know the answer. When God responded he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?" God said: "When I made the woman she had to be to be made special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And lastly, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers and only hers exclusively to use whenever she needs it. She needs no reason, no explanation, its hers." "You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

Rules To Life.........

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it! Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. If you agree, pass it on. If you can read this - Thank a teacher! If you are reading it in English -Thank a soldier!
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