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| I'm sure anyone who works in an office has seen the movie Office Space? If you have not, I highly recommend it! One critical aspect of office life that is missing from this movie is the office fart. The office fart can attack anytime and anyplace. If you work in a cube, what happens...? |
You fart into the soft material of the chair. The small cube walls lure you into a false sense of security so you launch them freely. BUT, they DO NOT prevent your neighbor from smelling your anal juices. They will smell it!
So what can I do I hear you ask?
Best method is to release a tester.
You release a small part of your fart, and then wait 5-10 seconds to see if it smells. If it does not, then release the whole salvo into the chair (silently).
If it does smell, you can release the whole thing but do so at your own risk as you will gain a reputation in the office. You will be called names such as "Smelly ass", "Fart pants","stinky bottom" etc.
Sometimes even when the testers are OK, the final full fart can go bad. The full fart can become stale as the fart is fully expelled from the anus. This is commonly referred to as the "Silent but deadly" fart.
In this instance, try not to move too much in the chair and keep your legs together. This will help keep the noxious gases in the chair material. Slowly move from side to side every 30 seconds to slowly release the gases thereby minimizing pollution into the cube area.
What about when you eat a burrito and an extra serving of beans for lunch and have to attend a 2 hour meeting in the afternoon?
Firstly, you should not eat that crap. You must plan your potential farting release schedule based on your diet. Do not eat fart inducing foods prior to sitting in an enclosed area with anything other than pigs.
During the meeting, do not try testers. It's just way too risky. You will have to hold it in even if your bowel expands to twice its normal size!
After one hour, you may excuse yourself to visit the bathroom to release the mother load of all farts. Make sure you properly ventilate your pants/skirt by moving them from side to side quickly ensuring that all residual fart gases are removed before returning to the meeting. This should minimize the common problem of walking back, sitting down, and then smelling some fart gasses still remaining in your pants/skirt.
I hope this basic office farting guide will help you out. It might even help with a promotion to that corner office. We all know what an office means.
Farting freedom!
Good luck.
