The three stages of love and Valentine's Day may - or may not - be a heady combination.
The three stages of love are the same for everyone: lust, attraction, and attachment. The stages aren't separated by markers like anniversaries or particular actions (like sleeping together for the first time), but rather blend together in a long stroke of love.
Alas, not everyone gets to or stays in the last stage.
Three Stages of Love
Lust or romantic love is the first stage, driven by testosterone and estrogen. Mating is the evolutionary purpose of this stage, creating strong physical and emotional attraction. Endorphins soak your brain and you're immersed in intense pleasurable sensations. Your lover is perfect, ideal, made for you – and you feel exhilarated and even "high" (similar to the feeling you get after you eat really good chocolate or have a great workout).
Attraction or power struggles is the second stage, or the love-sick phase. You may lose your appetite, need less sleep, and daydream about your lover on the bus, during meetings, in the shower. Dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are racing through your body and brain. You're also trying to shape your lover into your ideal partner – which is when the power struggles come in. You're becoming more realistic, and you two may fight about all sorts of things like whether to buy organic food or listen to country music. The infatuation is wearing off.
Attachment or unconditional acceptance is the third phase, and involves commitment, partnership, and even children (see fear of intimacy if you haven't reached this phase yet). You're aware of both positive and negative traits in your partner, and you've decided you want to build a life together. Confrontation is most likely to occur in this stage (though if you're authentic and honest, it'll also happen in the second stage), and you and your partner will either work towards a healthy, loving relationship or decide to call it quits. Or you'll fall somewhere in between, finding it easier to stay silent about things that bother you and letting your relationship limp along, unattended.
Staying in Love
Your partnership isn't simply a vehicle that brings happiness and contentment to your life; it's a living, dynamic creature that changes, grows, and needs attention (if you nurture it). It reveals who you really are, in all your glory and shame (if you let it). I've learned almost as much about myself in 1½ years of marriage than in 35 years of being single – and at times it's been really hard to face who I am.
To have a strong, healthy love life:
Focus on the things you can control: your attitude, your behavior, your words, and your energy. If you want something to change, make it your own traits or actions – not your partner's.
Learn healthy ways to express your disappointment, anger, or frustration. Be honest and authentic, and kind and loving.
Remember the first stage of love! Recall your feelings of lust, attraction, and desire for your partner. Think about the traits that you were attracted to, and let those old feelings come to life again.
Appreciate your partner's good qualities; be grateful for the life you share.
Own your feelings. Your partner can't "make" you feel stupid or worthless. If you feel unfulfilled or sad about your life, look at your own dreams and goals. Are you pursuing the life you were meant to live? Are you following your heart? Find ways to develop your personality, mind, and spirit. Figure out what will make you happy, and start creating the life you were meant to live.
Consider counseling. If you've lost that loving feeling, it could be an individual thing that you need to deal with or a couple thing that you should tackle together. An objective point of view, from a therapist, pastor, or friend you trust, is incredibly helpful in providing insights and directing conversations.
