I do not know what is going to happen, man, but I am going to get my kicks before the whole shit house goes down.
Am tired of people judging me based on how I look or what I have done over the weekend. People stare at me and whisper. I am a wild lady who is not looking to be tamed by anyone or anything. Only two men have ever come close to taming me: Harold and John. To them, I was obedient and sacrificed things that I may never do again. I have found people other who are able to ease my soul, but I believe more and more that this condition is only temporary. I cannot depend on anyone to do anything for me or make me feel a certain way. I love all of my friends (some more than others). I do not know if the feeling is mutual. I am a very sensitive person and at times, I feel too much and/or take things too personally but I act like it does not bother me. I do not want to be a burden in anyone’s life.
I have given up being understood and accounted for. I have always been free to wander. I am tempted to conform, but I will not change myself to be accepted. I have been changing myself a lot lately. I have lived a life that most of the soldiers that I now know will never experience. I am very sure that they have experienced things that I would never want to do. But just so that they and everyone else knows- I love you for who I am not; I do not love what I have already got. Perhaps that is why I am so anxious to start a new life. At this point, I do not think that many people know me, and I may be changing too fast to know myself. I am not what I seem to be at the first glance. They say silence is acceptance, but to me, it is loneliness, especially when people look at me like I am crazy.
Trust me, I have not made up my mind to change alone. But I derived little to no influence from those people who demanded that I change. Instead, they slowly faded out of my life. Out of sight is not out of mind, but it is the people who loved me and allowed me absolute freedom to be myself who have helped me the most, for they have only given me their advice when I have asked. So to all of those people, thank you for pulling on my hand, and keeping me away from myself when I needed it the most. (Too bad they will never read this)
