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What are you waiting for?
I want to be more. I will rise from all of this. I will become a part of something new. But, I will not escape; I will face.
I am shaking even thinking about you. But it isn't you... it is beyond you. It is in my head, and I have created it.
I am shaking...
Years have passed and I am shaking... with even the thought of you. It is more than you...
And even the smallest of reminders, send me into a state of panic.
Why... couldn't I just take drugs... or slit my wrists, spilling my blood onto the carpets... or get piss drunk every night, until I die?
Why did I have to feed in this?
It is all so fucking trivial: Good grades, a future, and hope? And yet the smallest of reminders, makes me fucking shake.
On the floor naked, my pitch black carpet on the floor, with swirling designs... yes, "you've seen it" on my knees and leaning into my arms... head in my hands... looking in some direction. Tapping... fucking tapping... keep on going... it keeps on going... the tapping of my heart... the tapping of my fingers... It is still fucking going!
WHY CAN'T I FUCKING STOP! WHY CAN'T I FUCKING PUT AN END TO THIS!
Because this is more... this is beyond.
Screaming raccoons in bottles of piss. I drink it in my sleep in the back of my head.
I can't figure it out. There is no logic that physics or calculus can solve of this...
Years have past... it must have been years of avoiding... because tonight I broke down in the thought of you. The more than you... the beyond you... me inside of myself.
Can't I face it somehow?
Why did I have to stop every outlet I had... threw away my razor... haven't cut in ages... lies... my knuckles haven't felt worn in months...
For such an emotion... why can't an emotional personality solve it?
I am not afraid to admit anything...
Years has past, yet... it must be that it is more than you. A tower I have pieced together from the rubble you left behind... and I built it strong... apparently... I can't fucking break it down. I am insane.
Don't fucking lecture me about what I can feel... because this is beyond anything... this is insanity... the one I have created in the pitt of me... am I alive? am I speaking?
So much has happened... yet... it is nothing.
You are not you. You are emotion... a figure I have built inside of me. A figure that holds my sanity in your complexity... I can't even understand the figure... in unreliable... unexplainable... discontent... of the palm of it's hand. You are an it's... because you are beyond... you are not real. I can't face the figure... because I don't know where it is inside of me.
I am full of shit. A mirror... a mirror... a mirror.
I won't fall? Why can't I fall? because...
...I want to be more. I will rise from all of this. No matter what... No matter how long it takes...
I could be on my deathbed... and they tell me: "some things...never get solved"
But I will find you, no matter how beyond you are inside of me.
