I was always drifting not knowing where to land. I went through the motions wondering what it was all for. I had always lived my life not for me but for everyone around me...and always failed to reach their expectations of what i should be. I had done it so long that when I looked into the mirror I no longer recognized the person staring back at me. What could i do...how could i go on?? I had created a shell to bury who i really was. I think i still exist somewhere inside of this strangers body. At times i even think for a moment i see myself trying to peek through. Maybe I'm just hiding, no courage to break out. After all, for so long I walked this earth and was either ignored or criticized for who i was. So now instead of me..stands this shell...this facade. This body that i hide deep inside of. I declared along time ago no longer would i take the hurt..no longer would i be forced to feel unwelcomed. My "shell", my "host" would be the one. She would take the pain for me. Take the ridicule, the criticism......AND....from that day forward I vowed to simply not "feel" anymore. For years now , inside this body, i have watched as people have judged and interacted with my "host". She has adapted well...She is the "pristine" daughter, always good always caring. The tender mother, authoritarian but always with a soft hand. And lets not forget my shell, my psuedo body, is ever the dutiful wife....Always supportive, always faithful, always promising to stay NO MATTER WHAT! and now as i sit here in my "small" meager existence I wonder where my place is on this earth?? I am NOT perfect, I am NOT always kind....I yell and i curse...and i would NEVER put up with the life that this LOWLY shell has lived in!!!! At times I think i will take my life back. Bust out of this shell let everyone see me without caring what they think!! But, then i remember as if a flood wall had just broke...i REMEMBER the pain, the disappointment...I Remember how failure felt..... so, i will remain here ...in the darkness inside this vessel, my shell. This is my home now...the only place i feel safe. I will let my "body" go on "feeling" all the things that i just "WON'T" ! Maybe someday I'll stop remembering and THEN...that is when i will break free and LIVE AGAIN! ....until then....this ..is where i will remain..............
