Hints and tips on how to poo while at work. As much as we try to
>convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOO is inevitable. For those who
>hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump
>at work.
THE ULTIMATE SURVIVAL GUIDE.......
>CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so The
>smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
>know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
>the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
>smell has left your pants.
>FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
>check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
>come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
>become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
>ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal Or
>forcing a poo in a cubicle. A sudden Wave of embarrassment usually
>accompanies this. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
>Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
>urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
>uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
>parties feel uneasy.
>JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
>pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
>should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
>left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
>occurred.
>COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
>hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
>up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
>SHAME.
>WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
>after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
>uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
>it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
>the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
>it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet pooer enter the bathroom
>with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
>the office for the Out Of The Closet pooer before entering the bathroom.
>THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
>together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
>group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
>Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
>you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
>opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering
>the bathroom.
>TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realize that you are in the Cubicle
>and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
>vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
>occurs, remain in the cubicle until the turd Burglar leaves. This way
>you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
>CAMO-COUGH -- A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
>bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
>WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. This is very effective
>when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
>ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
>Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
>that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
>immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
>WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the Toilet
>water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
>coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>HAVANA OMELET -- A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
>splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
>a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
>UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
>spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
>pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
>you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
>you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
