so, here of late i have been thinking alot about why i am so emotionaly detached. it seems as though i have reached a point were although my face and my actions say "you can not hurt me because i am ammune to it" i am in all actuality hurting all the time. i hurt becuase i feel abandoned, disconnected, distant, used and lied to. i am so easy to accept that others only want me for what i can give (sex, money,connections ext.) and not for who i am that i find my trust and faith in everyone around me failing more and more by the day. if i am not giving a service of some kind im not worth keeping around. i dont understand why it is so hard for ppl to be honest. i am tired of playing games. i feel as though my entire life is a fucking arena. i am constantly fighting for a possion. or trying to tackle a goal or hurdling over another barrier that is... speaking in metaphors for all my emotional and social standings. i never thought i would get to a place in my life where i could stand next to one of my dearest frineds and think to myself "i do not trust you" or relize that i have been settling in romantic relationships for the back burner or third wheel possion. am i not good enough to be first? why is it so hard for someone to love me? am i defective? and even if i did find someone to love me, do i know how to love anymore? can i even desifer the differance between lust and infatuation? or is love really just a over dose of rarely fluctuated chemicals in your brain that trick you into following through with what nature intended us to do... breed. i am so terribly confused. i want to be loved, but i dont know what love is. i want to be happy, but i dont know what makes me happy anymore. i want to be needed but i dont want the responciblity. i want to be spontanious and passionate but i dont even have the motivation to make a grilled cheese sandwich. how did i get here? i used to be this strong independant young women. now i feel i am drifting off in some lonely oblivion waiting for something to catch hold of me and put my feet back on solid ground. its moments like this that make me feel like maybe i should turn into my mother and find all my emotional fullfillment in a god that i can not see or taste or touch. at least right now there is something i am not confused about.... i wish there was someone here to hold me.
