Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the objective. Tripping me doesn't help, because
I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping - they can actually
curl
up in a ball! It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space
used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try
to
pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered In
addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years; canine/feline attendance is not
mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other animals butts. I cannot
stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car
don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry
about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion
dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the results
