J Wade's blog: "Day by Day"

I woke up in a weird mood this morning. Up at six and ready to go for the day. However, there is something in the back of my mind beginning to grow. I just can't quite focus on it.

It could be something to do with anxiety, but it doesn't feel the same. It's more of a void, I guess? I don't know. It's not overwhelming or anything. As far as I know, I'm not forgetting something important. It's almost like something's not there and I'm feeling it pretty hard. It's definitely weird to explain once I write it down.

At the very least, I'll try to fill that space with some sort of positive energy. Who knows, maybe that's the one thing I need to do. Before you do anything, think twice. That way, you may only have to act once. Be careful today, and have a great week.

As of this morning, I've been really sore. I didn't do much at my job to get that way, but man am I feeling it. I looked in the mirror, and I have a massive bruise on my shoulder as if I was hit by a board or something. Honestly, that may just be because I was carrying something called an Ink Chamber. Either way, ouch. 

Anyway, I'm feeling kind of down today because I don't have much motion for motivation. So, I come on here to this place. It's still a foreign place to me, but I'm getting the hang of it. I don't flirt for certain things, I don't like to just go crazy buying bling for people. I will say though, I do enjoy buying bling simply to show my appreciation. It's not to hit on any certain lady or get that extra attention. Though, the attention is always nice :p But seriously, I enjoy the little friendships I get on here, as few as they may be. As a matter of fact, there is a friend I haven't been able to talk to for a while, and it is kind of hard when the conversations were so nice. That friend is sweet, and I hope they are doing well.

See? Those are a couple reasons that I'm on this site. Y'all are crazy sometimes, but I have almost nothing but good memories on this place. And I'm practically a baby on this site if you look at my levels. If you need help, hang in there; I may be able to help at least a little bit. Having a bad day? Maybe we can chat or something. We all have bad days, it's just that not enough people are willing to speak up. It's hard, I know. But hey, you can depend on me!

I'm not a bad guy by any means. I'm not the best, either. However, I'm somewhere in the middle where suprisingly few guys are. I'm a pretty nice guy who tries his best to not do the wrongs things day to day. I've known a lot of guys like that. However...

I also feel like my being as nice as I can be has been taken advantage of as well. Actually, I KNOW I've been taken advantage of. A lot. Even recently. It's so difficult to gauge sometimes, and it can be heartbreaking when you go through it. I bet if you're reading this, it's happened to you.

And it's not because I'm a guy or anything. There are obviously many girls who are taken advantage of because they think they're going into this amazing situation. Besides, a lot of us have been manipulated into thinking that we're doing the right things and then we become the bad person, being blamed by the other side because we "woulda shoulda coulda". 

It's not simply because I'm gullible that a girl wanted me then took advantage of me. Maybe it's vulnerability because I finally got a hold of something I thought was amazing and then be let down because I fell for it from weakness. Who knows. All I do know is, I'm tired of it all; being gullible or vulnerable isn't a crutch. It just plain sucks.

I want good friends to trust. I don't care about their history or what they've been through, unless them telling me is what helps them heal. It's not about who they might have become or what dark secrets they hold. It's about who they could become if they choose to take the right path. I'm not in the business of coaxing someone or taking advantage of them for a cheap thrill. Being a nice guy isn't that hard if you just give it a try. Ignore those who are giving you less than you deserve. What do you deserve in a conversation? Respect. Patience. LOYALTY. Trust. 

Slow down and genuinely get to know them. Don't define them by their weakness. Their strengths are often hidden beneath the scars. And scars are beautiful if you're willing to show them sometimes. This is why I always tell others that I'm willing to listen with no judgement, because who am I to them until they trust me? Just a random person. But I promise, I'll be there. I'm not beaten down from my past relationships or anything to trust again. It may be a slow process, but I still do what I can to be there. 

Alright so I picked up some pieces of me and went to the Hobby Lobby today. It was a pretty cool visit because it seemed like everyone I went by knew me. It wasn't actually the case, but they kept staring. I don't know, I don't think there was anything on my face. Nevertheless, it was okay. Everyone was nice.

Anyway, I got a few things.  I bought myself a graphing pencil, ruler, chalk, a little drawer and gum eraser. For some reason, I had a little sprout of inspiration to make something. I bought my stuff with a cool 40 percent off, and I was gone.

Got home, but I didn't know what I was going to do. All of a sudden I got an idea. One of my favorite little blooms is a Magnolia blossom. Beautiful little things, and I still remember having fights with the little cones they blossom from when I was a kid. Sooo many bruises and scoldings from my parents and aunts. It was great. 

Anyway, I started drawing. Once I got somewhere, I was pretty proud of it. I'm thinking of posting it on this site, but I don't know. I've always been pretty self-conscious about my drawing. Sure I get the "awe it looks great!" kind of compliments like someone's mom would give. But it's different. I can just, tell ya know? But yeah, I really am thinking about posting the little drawing. No one really reads these blogs in the long term anyway, so there's really no surprise to it lol But if you've honestly read all the way through the bat shit crazy blog, how are you? Say hi! Besides, if you've already read this whole blog, you're probably pretty cool like me. If no one's told you that, hey, you are pretty cool to me.

My body feels broken but my spirit is kind of full. I suppose I'm just tired, but I haven't really focused on myself in a long time.

It seems like a constant struggle to juggle sanity and the chaos of everything around me. I only worked for three days, and I felt like I had worked six days in a row. 

I forgot to eat for two days, I've lost probably five pounds in the matter of four days and now I'm sick. I can almost gaurantee that's ultimately what made me sick. So, I have seven days off and all the time in the world to hit the restart button on my life. I need to get healthier and start working out like I used to. Gym three days a week with light sparring with boxing. Man do I miss the boxing.  As for what I was saying about my spirit, I'm honestly pretty happy with everything else. My body is constantly arguing with me, but I just try to fight it back. And working out, well that has honestly been the best way for me to relieve stress and ultimately feel satisfied. 

I've been somewhat accustomed to breakdowns of sorts for quite a while. Anxiety, panic, whatever. However, I recently went through an ordeal that I've never had to go through. Perhaps it was because I had things in the back of my mind that I hadn't dealt with, or maybe it was nothing.  At any rate, it hit me hard.

I know that I'm only one of possibly millions that has gone through this, but it was a real first for me. The world was closing in, I was losing my breath, and everything started getting really fuzzy, almost as if I was having a heart attack. I've had high blood pressure since I was a teenager, so it could've been a symptom for all I know.

At this moment, I didn't know what to do. So, I sent a message to the only person I could think of. Out of respect of annonynimity, I won't give any names. But within a matter of minutes, I was breathing in my nose and out of my mouth. I gave my doggo Dusty some healthy pets, and I was beginning to see the world again.

It was over. I felt exhausted, but I was a lot better. It's funny; I thought I knew how to take care of myself in that manner. But in the heat of the moment, I don't know a damn thing. Sometimes all it takes is a kind word. For those who don't know, anxiety is no joke. It's not just a diagnosis someone came up with for extreme attention grabbing. It can be extremely dangerous if not dealt with. Thanks to the friend that was able to give me some kind advice. It meant the world.

I was at a conference in Memphis, Tennessee years ago when I ran into a homeless man stairing up at a bell tower atop one of the buildings. He stopped me to tell me about how soldiers would stand in that bell tower during the civil war as a post. He then asked me what I thought about giving, maybe because he wanted something. Perhaps he was hungry or he wanted anything else. 

So I told him giving is sometimes a good way to get into someone's good graces or if they're wanting a favor. But, I told him when I give to someone, it's most likely freely given or as a lesson to be learned. 

Before I could walk away after bidding farewell, he stopped me again. He said, "hey, I want to give you something." Reluctantly, I reached out my hand to see what he was going to give me. That homeless man gave me $20...I shook my head and told him he should keep it. However, he pushed it towards me and said maybe I would need it more than him at some point. He then said that he lives in a shelter where he has many friends. He didn't need the $20, but he believed maybe a gift could make someone's day.

Needless to say, he made my day. As a matter of fact, I haven't forgotten that moment for over twelve years. Sometimes, giving something can simplly be a nice gesture. There aren't always strings attached or something to be gained. I'm learning that day by day. Sometimes, even a good conversation can change your life. Take the time to get to know someone, and they could surprise you.

It's been a long time since I've gone out with friends, mainly because I don't exactly have anymore close friends. It's a thing, it happens. Honestly, I've never really let it get me down too much due to the fact when they keep leaving, it kind of gets easier. However, when certain individuals walk into a friendship, it's kind of hard for me to realize it? 

I've got to say though, I've met some people, here on Fubar. It's interesting to me that I've found a closer bond with people here than in my daily life at work or in public situations. Believe me, I don't regret it. I love how I always see people saying "its just a game". Yeah I know, and I understand that. But sometimes, there are moments where I feel happier here than I could with anyone I've met in person. Maybe it's because I trust the people that I've talked to for a while on this site. It's nice. I honestly consider the many people I talk to on here friends. There might even be one or two that I consider pretty close friends. No...Yes, I DO consider them close friends. If it's not exactly recipricated, it's fine. I just hope they know in some way that I do trust what they say, and I do value their friendship.

Good Vibes.

      I've dealt with anxiety for a while, but I've also been learning to cope with it. Unfortunately, it never really goes away. Honestly, I'm kind of okay with it being around to an extent. It helps to humble me when I start to realize I'm beginning to lose myself.

      As a sort of "token in my pocket", anxiety is the one thing that kept me from making friends for so many years. As recent as about a year ago, I've been learning to use the fears I've had as lessons to take one step at a time. These days, it can be more of a reminder than a proverbial 'monkey on my back'.

      If I've come on too strong, let me know. I'm really learning to live again, learning to make friends and rise out of the dark. I understand that a lot of what I've said is cliche to most. However, it's how I've learned to understand myself. Spending so many years helping others out of their pits, I never focused on my own. I let others depend on me so much, it finally caught up to me and dragged me deeper.

      I assure you, I am a faithful friend. I don't trust too much, but I do just enough to grow a good friendship. If anything grows from there, wonderful. If not, just as special to me. If you've read all of this, I hope it might help you as well. If it's a big mess that you'd rather forget, no worries. Find your journey. Just know anxiety is a real burden, not just an excuse.