self-depreciation is out like a fat kid in dodge ball. it's all about having a giant swollen ego. it's about oozing with over-confidence. self-appreciation.
I might have continued to make witty self-depreciating remarks without realizing how incredibly unkewl I'm being. Now it's all about talking like you're the realest person on earth. Crushing people with your superiority. Reminding the world that you're the best fucking thing to happen to humanity since dicks and pussies. Even though you're not. Because I am. And you can't accuse me of being egotistical when I say shit like that. I'm just fashionable. In fact, I'm so fucking fashionable it hurts.
I'm writing this to give you all a little inside word on the next big thing, because I'm in tune with the underground like that. So next time your friend complains that she's fat, you tell her "self depreciation is so last year. Get hip, fatty." And then remind her that you're the hottest fucking person on the planet, ever, and she could travel the world until the end of time and never find a finer example of raw sex appeal. Because that's awesome.
The side effect of this is a tremendous boost in self esteem. How are you ever going to feel bad about yourself if you're constantly telling everyone that you're the sexiest shit they've ever laid their unworthy eyes on? How are you gonna hate on yourself if your own attention to current trends forces you to believe that you're a perfect human specimen, a flawless masterpiece of illness, a shimmering golden turd on G+d's big terrestrial toilet called earth? You're not. Because you're going to feel fucking great, AND you're going to be trendy as a mother fuck.
So please, when you're updating your list of favorite bands today to reflect whatever lump of shit ppl r trying to shove down your throat, be sure to remove any self-depreciating comments from your profile. If you have phrases like "im such a dork" or "i look like shit" as captions for your photos, they need to be replaced with "jesus fucking christ on a crumpet i almost cracked the mirror in this picture, because i'm so unbelievably fucking insanely gorgeous, holy wet fuckballs i want to rape myself until i bleed i'm so goddamn hott."
Oh, and the more extreme you take it, the kewler you are. It's all about extremes. So when I tell you that I'm a fucking genius for writing this, that's not going far enough. If I want to step up to NME cover story off the fucking meat rack kewl, I need to say "Holy monkey-fucking fartbiscuits, I'm such a ridiculously fucking brilliant human being, if I skull-fucked Stephen Hawkings I'd triple his IQ just by splattering his inferior brain with the DNA from my super-human genius sperm. FUCK!" See, now that is kewl.
