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Forgive or not?

I've been kindly upset lately because my dad was sick and the doctors did some tests and one came back positive. granted the dr said it could be false and had it redone it still upset me. it upset my brother even more. my brother has been so upset and hasn't been able to talk to anyone about it, not even his gf because dad asked him not to say a thing to anyone. well dad never told him when he got the second results bak that they had came back that the first test was wrong. i went to hang out with my brother lastnight and he asked me if my dad had ever got the test done. I had no idea that he had not told my brother and i told him. I'd have told him sooner if I'd have known dad hadn't. my brother's been on the verge of a mental break down, he's been drinking really bad since he found out about the first test. He called my dad and confronted him with his concern for the effect of my dad's actions on me and him(my brother) and all the people around us. my brother loves dad very much but he also loved me as much too and doesn't want me to have to deal with all that would entail the effect of my dad's lack of concern for what he does with his private life. I was in the room when my brother was talking to dad over the phone tonight and i heard everything he said to my dad and he was not trying to tell him how to live his life, he was just wanting my dad to think about what it would do to us and to be more careful. my dad said *u*k you and he never wants to speak to him again. that just upset my brother even more. he punched the wall, the refrigerator, and was very upset. when he saw me crying because it upset me he started crying because he didn't want me to be upset. my dad made it clear to us that he's 71 and he's going to do what he wants, regardless of how it effects anyone else because he's old and it doesn't matter if he dies because of something he gets now. i'm upset because my dad told my brother he never wants to speak to him and f*ck you. i'm upset because he doesn't think of how things make me and my brother feel and i don't think i can forgive him for what he's put me and my brother through and the fact that he doesn't care that he's hurt us by being too frivolous with his personal affairs to the point where he could have something that he could die from and if we had drank after him or something we may be in the same boat. he doesn't care that he could hurt us or that he has hurt us. he doesn't even care if he gets sick and dies. and ontop of that when he had the first test i seen the test list and he lied to me about it and said that it wasn't what i thought it was, it was something else and blah blah blah. when i confronted him about that he said he never said that it wasnt and just denied the fact that i cought him lying to me. should i forgive him for this after all the other shit he's put me and my brother through?

direction

life keeps coming at my so fast right now. so many decisions, so many consequences, so many things beginning and ending, all at once. things are wierd right now. i have so many things that i want to change, but where do i start? and how do i change them? how do i get from point a to point b? do i take option 1, 2 or 3? or do i skip point b and go straight to point c? i've met some people that have made me happy recently. i'm glad that i have them as friends. i've lost a few friends as well, but there's not much i can really do about it, but remember that when one thing ends something better always begins. seasons change and people come and go, it's nature. the only thing i can possibly do about that is just not care. if people don't like me, it's not my loss. i hate to seem self-centered, but there are times that call for it in order to survive... in order to be positive. i just want to say thank you guys for being supportive of me and trying to cheer me up. you guys are awesome. you know who you are; thank you for being my friends. i'm off to take a nap before i must watch my friends kids.

random feelings

today has been an emotional rollercoaster. i just wish i could be happy right now. i feel like crap and i don't know why. i'm unhappy with my job and certain parts of my life. i wish there were better jobs around here. i wish i wasn't bipolar.

Blankets of White Snow

This morning I woke up and there was snow on the ground. It was very wierd to have snow in February here in Tennessee. It was very cold though. My friend and I made beer lastnight. I had a good time. I like hanging out with him. I slept 2 hours and had to go to work this morning. It sucked. I worked very hard today. Hurt my back doing it, but i'll be ok. I lost my ring at work as well today. It was very special to me. My mom got it for me before she moved... and well it had sentamental value.
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