Subject: Conservative or liberal?
Division of the human family into two distinct political groups began some
12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer and
would go to the beach and live on fish & lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization, and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so
while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
"the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker and less skilled at
hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the
nightly BBQ and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually
evolved into women. The rest became known as "girliemen."
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept
of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule in baseball, because it wasn't "fair" to make the
pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works
productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or
nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.
That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe, when conservatives
were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed, and
created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
And you thought history was boring.
