Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself
~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the
catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I
had ever seen. I have since been visited by her
sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good
beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as
close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once
a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of
a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a
philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a
jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every
now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds
back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and
fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you
a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires...
but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things
that fish do in it.
-- WC. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it
had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation . as you grow
older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but
everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or
spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it
out.
