Joey's blog: "Joey Carlton"

College Town Girlfriends Joey Carlton Mrs. Deloris was, in her opinion, a fine Science teacher. She taught at College Town Middle, and she was good at not letting the students trick her, tease her, or sarcastically suck up to her. Yes, those little brats wouldn't bring her down or make her feel disrespected. Not today and not ever, for that matter. She was too good for that. The bell rang, and this meant that it was time for seventh period...the last period of the day. The first student that came in was Robby Pratt. "You look great today, Mrs. Deloris," said Robby. "Thank you, precious," she answered him. Robby, in her opinion, was a good boy and a nice boy who always did his work. Sure, he got obsessive sometimes, but he was her favorite student in seventh period. More students entered and she noticed that one of them was Faulkner. Edward was perhaps the worst behaved of all students. Often times, Edward refused to do his work and always back talked her. But she stopped thinking about Edward when she saw Andy Carlton. He was the cutest of all of her students. He was so adorable "Good afternoon, Mrs. Deloris. Those are nice earrings," said Andy. "Thanks," Mrs. Deloris answered. Andy was very polite, too. But she stopped thinking about thinking about Andy, when she saw Apple Delight. This kid was, in her opinion, different. She did not like him, because he would go off into another world and miss her instructions and he could never seem to clue in on anything. His mother said that he had Aspergers Syndrome, the most common form of high functioning Autism, but Mrs. Deloris didn't believe in Mental Conditions, like Autism. She believed that Apple was choosing to act Autistic. Perhaps she should say something to him as he came in, just so she could mess with him... "Apple." "Yes?" "Are you planning to cause any trouble today?" "Why would I do that?" "Answer me," Mrs. Deloris demanded. "Uh, no." "You're not going to answer me?" "What? I dont think I understand." "I'm tired of you causing trouble, Apple. Now, go sit down." "Sorry," said Apple. That'll teach him, she thought Apple took his seat in between Andy and Faulkner. "Mrs. Deloris hates you," said Andy. "Really? Hey, I think you might be right," said Apple, "Maybe she doesn't like me." "Well, that's too bad for you," said Faulkner. "Well, what do I do?" asked Apple. "You just have to suck up," said Andy. "Okay, so what do I suck on?" "No, you don't suck on anything," said Robby. "You just tell her something nice, like: you look good today or did you get a hair cut? It doesn't even have to be true, but it works." "Okay, I'll come up with something," said Apple. So at the end of that period, the bell rang, signaling that school was over for the day. Mrs. Deloris watched everyone file out of the classroom. She noticed that Apple didn't seem as eager to go as he usually did. As a matter of act, it appeared that he wanted to have a word with her. And this was proven true when he stopped at her desk. "Uh, Mrs. Deloris." "Yes, Apple?" "Uh, you look very nice from behind, as well as the front." Mrs. Deloris's jaw dropped. "Just thought you should know; that's all, bye." And just like that, he left. The next day, Mr. Huff was telling his first period class to shut up so he could take roll and to not do anything stupid while he took roll. And as Mr. Huff was taking roll, there was a knock at the door. Mr. Huff got up out of his seat and answered the door. After a couple of seconds of mumbling, Mr. Huff called for Apple. Apple got up from his desk and walked to the door. "You better not have done anything stupid," said Mr. Huff. "I'm afraid he has," said the man outside of the classroom, who ended up being the Principle. "Well, it wasn't in my class, was it?" "No." "Oh. Well, then I don't care." "Come, Mr. Delight," the Principle said to Apple, as he walked down the hallway. "Do you know what this is about?" "No," said Apple honestly. "Well Mr. Delight, you have been accused with sexual harassment." "A sexual hair ass mint? I've never had a hair ass mint. I dont even like mints." "Excuse me?" asked the Principle, blankly. "I don't like mints," Apple repeated. "Kid, do you know what sexual harassment is?" "Well, it sounds to me like it is a mint that gets rid of the hair on your ass, but I dont have hair on my ass and I've never used sexual hair ass mints, so I dont see how I'm in trouble." "What the heck are you talking about?" asked the stunned Principle. "Sexual hair ass mints, I think." "Sexual Harassment is the offending of somebody sexually." "Oh. Well now, wait a minute, I've never had sex," said Apple. "You don't have to have sex to sexually harass. You can say something sexually offending and that would be considered sexual harassment. For instance, if I told you that you had a nice looking butt, then that would be sexual harassment." "Oh. Well thanks, Mr. Principle, no one's ever told me that before," said Apple. "Well, I understand. That is why I have just decided that I am going to hire some people to educate the sixth grade on sexual harassment." "Thanks, you're nice. No ones ever told me that I have a nice butt, before," said Apple. And after the Principle did his best to explain to Apple that he did not think that he had a nice ass, he sent Apple back into class. The rest of the day went by and things were well. It wasn't until the next day that things got interesting. All of the students were pleased to see that Mr. Huff was not at school the next day. Instead, there were two teachers, one male and the other female, which didn't make since. "I don't get it," said Andy, "Why are there two teachers?" "The female teacher probably just invited her boyfriend over," said Apple. "Why would she do that?" asked Andy. "I dont know; thats just what my babysitter always does," Apple said. "Cool, maybe we can ask them questions!" said Andy. "Andy, What are you talking about?" asked Faulkner. "You know, boyfriend-girlfriend questions" "Are you a pervert?" asked Faulkner. "No, I mean, we can ask sick questions." "We could ask them if they have STD's," said Apple. "Andy, you are a pervert. And Apple, you are sick." "No, I'm not. I am seriously not constipated today, I swear!" said Apple. Robby noticed that Andy was staring at Audrey. "Andy, dont tell me your going crazy over Audrey again," said Robby. "What? I don't even know what you're talking about." "Yes, you do," said Robby. "So, what if I do?" "Then you're a pervert," said Faulkner. "Well, I don't." "Then you're a liar." "What? That's no fair!" But before Andy could finish his argument, the male teacher began talking. "Hello, everyone," he said happily, "Today, we will all be learning about Sexual Harassment. I am Mr. Long. And Ms. Cox will be teaching you as well." "Hi, kids," said Ms. Cox, the female teacher. "Now, we're going to start off today, by explaining sexual Harassment and then well go over some examples! Ready kids?!" No one answered. And the class proceeded in this fashion for another hour, the first forty-five minutes of which Andy, Edward, and Robby were bored out of their minds. But with fifteen minutes left in class, everyone instantly became interested... "Okay class, this next assignment is designed for you to practice treating each other as equals. Everyone is going to be paired up, a boy with a girl and a girl with a boy, to spend the night at one anothers' houses," said Ms. Cox. You will each make a list of who you want to be paired with and we will decide who to put with who, based off of that," said Mr. Long. "You have ten minutes, so I suggest that you hurry up." And with five minutes remaining, the lists were all taken up. And soon after, the class was let out. Later that day, Mr. Long and Ms. Cox were reading these lists "Jeez," said Mr. Long, "It seems that every girl in first period put Andy as their first choice." "Seriously?" "Yeah. I guess I should look at Andy's list as far as deciding who he will be paired with." Mr. Long took out a sheet of notebook paper. "He put Audrey as his first choice." "She was the most popular among the boys lists in that class," said Ms. Cox. "Well, isnt that nice," said Mr. Long. "Who else in that class was liked by the girls?" "Alan, Russell, and Apple," said Mr. Long. "Apple?" Thats a strange name." "Yeah, and his last name is Delight." "Delight?" "Yeah...Apple Delight." They couldn't help but laugh. "I cant imagine what kind of family he must live in!" Meanwhile, Apple was at home, eating dinner with his mother and his little sister, Lemony...Lemony Delight. "Mom, where will we be staying this weekend?" asked Apple. "You'll be with your dad." "Do we have to?" asked Apple. "Yes. He has rights to see you, Apple." "I know." "And he loves you very much." "I know." "And I know that he can frustrate you at times, but you just have to deal with it, okay?" "Can I be excused from the table?" "You're not even half way done," said Mrs. Delight. "I'll finish later. I don't want to talk." And Apple slouched out of the kitchen and to his room. Of all of his friends, he seemed to be the most unfortunate. Edward Faulkner was super rich and had a nanny that spoiled him. Robby was rich, too, even though his parents were strict, it was better than what he had. And Andy lived in a great house with supportive and loving parents. But Apple had to live with divorced parents in a house that wasn't that nice. If only things were different...Often times he liked to dream about what it would be like to live in Andy's house... Andy was sitting in the kitchen at the dining room table with his mom and his dad. "We had a Sexual Harassment class, today," said Andy. "A Sexual Harassment class? That seems kind of odd. What all happened?" asked Andy's dad. "Well, the first part was boring. The people just kept talking about what not to do. But then we got this project to do where we team up with a girl and spend the night so we can work on not sexually harassing each other." "Thats weird," said Andys dad, "Who were you assigned to?" "Well, I dont know yet. They let us choose and from that they will pair us up, some how." "Who did you choose?" asked Andys mom, trying to hold back a smile. "Stop it, mom." "Sorry, I just thought it was cute." "What ever," said Andy. "So, did Faulkner get into any trouble today?" asked Andy's dad. "Yeah. He told a teacher to suck his balls." "Again?! Man, that is one messed up kid!" said Andy's dad. "I'm relieved that you don't act like him," said his mom. "Can he come over this weekend?" asked Andy. "Well, what about the girl thats coming over?" "Well, we could do it he other night," Andy suggested. "Oh, I forgot to tell you something," said Andy's mom. "Robby asked to see if he could some over this weekend." "They could both come over," Andy suggested, once more. "Sounds good with me," said Andy's dad. "I guess that's alright," said Andy's mom. Meanwhile, Faulkner was, at the moment, eating in his room. His nanny had just served him food: chicken legs, two ice cream sandwiches, two pop sickles, and Jell-O. He was lying on the couch watching TV. This was what he liked to do when he got home. Meanwhile, Robby was at the dinner table, but he didn't say anything...he only asked if Andy had agreed to let him stay over. And after dinner, he went to his room to surf the net. In first period, the following day, everybody found the two Sexual Harassment teachers to be, once again, present. Mr. Long and Ms. Cox started class off with telling everyone how they needed to treat each other equally. But then, they got to what everyone was waiting for. Everyone was to find out whom they were paired up with. Ms. Cox began handing out little slits of paper. When Andy received his slit of paper, he saw that he had been paired with Audrey! He looked up over at where Audrey was sitting to see that she was looking at him, too. They both turned away and pretended that they hadn't been staring at each other. Robby received his note, saying that he'd been paired with Molly. She had been one of the lowest people on his list. Why the hell did he get hers? That wasn't fair. Apple received his, as well. And on the piece of paper, it said, "Kayla." She was one of his top choices. He smiled at the note. Then, Edward Faulkner received his. He opened the note to see that she had been paired with Shelby. "What?! What kind of bull crap is this?! Shelby?! She was one of the last people on my list! Why did I get stuck with Shelby?!" "Young man," said Ms. Cox, "That is no way to talk about somebody. This is what weve been talking about with Sexual Harassment." "Since when is this Sexual Harassment?!" asked Faulkner, angrily. "Haven't you been listening to Mr. Long and I?" asked Ms. Cox. "Why should I listen to you when you assign me to some ugly bitch, like Shelby?" "Young man, be quiet," said Mr. Long. "The way we did it was very fair." "No, it isn't! I want the first person that I listed, not the ninth!" "Settle down Edward," said Ms. Cox. "I am not doing this!" "Fine, then you'll get an F," said Ms. Cox. "That's fine with me." "Wait," said a little nerdy girl with thick glasses, "I don't want to make an F on this." "Then I guess you have no choice, Edward Faulkner," said Mr. Long. "No choice? You better believe that I have a choice and I am choosing not to do this, unless I get somebody that I want!" said Faulkner, vigorously. "Now, I see what you're trying to do," said Ms. Cox, "But threatening us isn't going to help. I know you don't really mean what you're saying, but you know what? We're going to pretend that you do mean it just to teach you a lesson." "No, he really means it. He will really do it," said Robby. "No, I seriously doubt that he will," Ms. Cox assured them. "No," said Andy, " He isn't threatening, he's promising. You don't know Faulkner like we do." "Well Faulkner, you are going to do this, because I said so," said Ms. Cox, trying to keep her cool. "Then why don't you suck my balls because I said so?" asked Faulkner. "Show them to me and maybe I will, bitch!" "Ms. Cox, he's just trying to get to you," said Mr. Long, "Calm down, okay...and as for you, little boy, you are going to do this, or else!" "Or else what?" "Don't be a smart elic, kid," said Mr. Long. "I wasn't, I seriously--" "DO AS WE TELL YOU OR I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!" shouted Ms. Cox. "Holy crap--yes ma'am." And that night, on Friday night, the pairs got together... Andy was the most excited, as he waited in his room that night, awaiting Audrey. He could only hope that the night would go well. Apple was prepared. He had listened to the Sexual Harassment teachers that day and he knew that all he had to do was treat Kayla equally...just like he would treat a guy. Faulkner was still pissed off. He was watching TV, eating Lays Chips. He was not looking forward to Shelby's arrival and neither was Shelby. Robby was prepared. He had made his room nice and tidy. He was still not happy with the person that had been chosen for him, but he would find a solution to get better chick...he just had to. The doorbell rang at Andy's house. He knew it was she...but he couldn't go down there...his parents would answer, and she could come up there. He heard the door open and he heard his dad greeting her in. He could hear Audrey's sweet voice telling him, "Hello." She was coming up the stairs...Andy couldn't be standing here, it wouldn't be cool...he quickly hopped on his bed and turned on the TV. "Hello, Andy." "Audrey? Oh, it's good to see that you're here," said Andy, as if he didn't hear her coming in. "What are you watching?" "Oh, uh, I don't know." "You don't know?" "Well, I was going to let you choose," Andy invented. "That's so sweet of you," said Audrey. Audrey got on Andy's bed. "See what's on TBS." Andy changed the channel to TBS. "Friends! I love this show," said Audrey. "What do you think of Friends?" "Uh, I've never really watched Friends." "You haven't?" asked Audrey. "It's a really good show." Andy had never considered watching television that wasn't animated. He liked "Sponge Bob Square Pants," "Futurama," "Family Guy," "Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends," "Ed, Edd, and Eddy," and "American Dad." But he decided to go with it, being it was Audrey, and all. Meanwhile, the doorbell rang at Robby's house. He knew it was she...but he couldn't go down there...his parents would answer, and she could come up here. He heard the door open and he heard his dad greeting her in. He could hear Molly's squeaky voice telling him, "Hello." She would soon be coming up the stairs...Robby couldn't be standing here, it wouldn't be cool...he quickly hopped on his bed and turned on the TV. "Robby!" his mother called, "Come down here and greet your girlfriend!" "She isn't my girlfriend!" he called back. "Well, whatever you want to call her, come and greet her!" "Can't she just come up here?!" "No, we want to meet her too, you know!" his dad called. "Damn it," Robby muttered. Meanwhile, the doorbell rang at Apple's house. He knew it was she...but he didn't want to go down there...his mom would answer, and she could dome up there. He heard the door open and he heard his mom greeting her in. He could hear Kayla's soft voice telling her, "Hello." She was coming up the stairs...Apple couldn't be standing here, it wouldn't be cool...he had do something cool...he could scare her! His friends liked to do that to each other...that would be treating her equally, right? Yeah, she'd like that. So he hid behind the door. He could hear her getting closer and closer. Now she was entering the room. "Apple? Apple are you in here?" she asked. "BOO!" "AAAGH! What was that for, ass rammer?!" "I was just messing with you," said Apple, trying to seem playful. "Well, I didn't appreciate that!" "Sorry, you didn't have to get your shorts in a knot. Be a man about it." "What are you talking about?" asked Kayla. "Forget it, do you want to arm wrestle?" Meanwhile, the doorbell rang at Edward Faulkners house. He knew it was she...but there was no way that he was going down to greet her...his nanny would answer, and she could come up there. He heard the door open and he heard his nanny asking her who she was. He could hear Shelby's annoying voice telling her, "I am here for the sleep over thing." Then he heard his nanny say, "What sleepover thing?" "The thing for school. The thing where everyone is paired up to sleepover in order to practice: not sexually harassing each other. Didn't Faulkner tell you about this?" "No," Faulkner could hear his nanny answer. "Well, I was paired up with him. Can I go see him, now?" "Well, okay, I guess." She was coming up the stairs...Faulkner didn't care if she thought that him watching TV and eating potato chips wasn't cool. She was now searching the halls in the floor below him. "Faulkner? Faulkner, where are you? Ugh, Lady? Can you tell me where Faulkners room is? Lady? Ma'am?" There were no answers. "Aw, this sucks." Meanwhile, back at Andys house, Andy was finding, "Friends" to be a very funny show. They were watching the second episode in a row with each other. Andy and Audrey were laughing their heads off with each other, and somehow they felt closer and closer. Robby, however, was not doing so hot. He was sitting next to Molly, a girl that he did not find very attractive and was embarrassed to be paired up with, in his living room with his parents. "Well, this is cute isn't it?" said Robbys father. "The two of you sitting next to each other." "Dad, don't embarrass me," said Robby, nervously. "Why are you embarrassed, sweetie?" asked Robby's mom, Mrs. Pratt. "It's just that...never mind." "You know, I remember my first date," said Mr. Pratt. "It was when I was sixteen and I am trying to remember who it was that I went out with..." Apple, meanwhile, wasn't doing well, either. His mother had just called the two of them down so they could eat their dinner. "I'll race you!" said Apple and he ran down the stairs as fast as he could. "I don't want to race...man this guy was a bad choice. I should have put him last, not second. I don't know why I thought he was cute." Naturally, Apple was too far away to hear her. But Kayla realized that one thing that she could be thankful for was that she did not have Faulkner...that would be horrible. "Faulkner?" Shelby called. "Faulkner where are you? Lady? I need help! Can anyone hear me?" She sighed, quite frustrated. Why the heck did he have to have such a big house? How the heck did he get to live in such a nice house? He was the laziest person she knew and yet he lived in a mansion. How was that possible? Faulkner, who was in the floor above her, was amused. The nanny was too far off in the mansion and he wasn't going to spoil the fun! Three hours passed, and the night was growing to a close. Some wanted it to end, while others wished that it could last forever. The others were Andy and Audrey. Andy and Audrey had just turned the TV off, but the lamp was still on. "I never knew that Everybody Loves Raymond, Friends, and Roseanne were so good," said Andy. "Well, the first three seasons of Roseanne were good, but then the show fell apart, but some how, they kept it on TV for four more seasons." "Oh, that stinks," said Andy. "Tell me about it," said Audrey, "When ever you see that Roseanne is going to come on when you're planning what you're going to watch, you don't know whether or not it is the earlier stuff or the later stuff, so you don't know what to choose." "You plan out what you watch on TV?" asked Andy. "Yeah, I know, pretty lame, huh?" she said, sounding embarassed. "No, I do that too." "Really?" asked Audrey. "Yeah," said Andy. "Hey, Andy. Have you ever played truth or dare with a girl?" "No. But I'll play it with you." Andy's mom and dad were in their bed. "I thought we told them to go to bed," said Andy's mom. "They're hardly making any noise. Besides, when you tell them to go to bed, that really means to quiet down," said Andy's dad. "I know, but it's just that I can't help but wonder...you don't think they're doing anything inappropriate, do you?" "What? Like playing truth or dare?" "Yeah, or playing doctor or something," said Andy's mom. "Way to go, Andy." "What?!" "Uh--I--uh--just kidding. I'm sure that they're not doing anything," said Andy's dad. "Well, I guess you're right...I guess." "We need to get some sleep; good night." "Good night." A few seconds passed, when they heard, "Oh, Andy!" come from the up stairs. "What was that?!" asked Andy's mom. "That was nothing. Go back to sleep." Meanwhile, Shelby had finally managed to find Faulkner. "I am not getting you ice cream, Faulkner!" "Yes you will, bitch." "I am not your bitch!" "Then, what do you want me to call you, bitch?" "Call me Shelby." "Okay. Go get me some Ice Cream Shell-bitch." "My name is Shelby, not Shell-bitch! And I am not getting you any Ice Cream, you fat cow!" "Whatever, Shell-bitch." Meanwhile, Robby and Molly had been put in separate beds, in order to prevent what was happening at Andy's house. Robby was bored. This sucked. And that Monday, all of the kids were back at school, in first period with the Sexual Harassment teachers and the principle. "Well, class. Before we start today, we would like to hear from everyone to see what you learned," said Ms. Cox. Robby raised his hand. "Okay, you little boy." "My name is Robby." "Yeah, whatever." "I learned that Genetic Engineering is a very good kind of Science with many benefits that will solve many of our problems, but it shouldn't be used for stupid and useless things. It should be used on things like kidney transplants and Huntington's Disease." "And what does that have to do with sexual harassment?" asked Ms. Cox. "You never said that it had something to do with sexual harassment." "Did anybody else learn anything? Andy, what about you?" "Hey, how come you've memorized his name?" asked Robby. "Shut up, kid," said Ms. Cox. "My name is Robby." "Whatever, kid. So Andy, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned that getting action with a girl is pretty sweet." "What? That's not what this project was for." "Oh. It wasn't? Well, at least I learned something." "Did anybody learn anything that has to do with Sexual Harassment?" "I did," said Apple. "Okay, what did you learn?" "I learned that this Sexual Harassment class is nothing but a joke." "What?" "Thats right," said Apple, "All you told us was to treat each other equally, but women dont want to be treated like men, they want to be treated like women. They want you to open the door for them, and treat them gingerly and kindly and that makes them feel good. That's what you should have been teaching us, but instead, you taught us to treat them like men. But the only way they want to be treated like men, is by being payed like men and be given the same rights as men. This class was nothing but a waste for all of us...except Andy. And Mr. Principle, I think that they ought to be fired." "Well, I don't know," said the Principle, "You did make a very good argument." "Imagine all of the money that you could spend on something else," said Apple. "You're right, kid. You two are fired." "WELL, FUCK YOU!" shouted Ms. Cox; "I DON'T EVEN GIVE A SHIT! I'LL FIND A JOB SOMEWHERE ELSE SO YOU CAN JUST SUCK IT!" Written by Joey Carlton