There are many different circles we come across in our lives. They can be anything from the simplest friendship circles to the more difficult deception circles. Somehow I started thinking about these while I was working on Tuesday and some were more obvious than others to me.
All of my life I have never had to really face the fact that I could be as optimistic about things that my own sister couldn't. She couldn't analyze things as well as I could. I can tear apart my life in sections and tell you what I could have changed and what could have stayed the same. But then again, we all know we can't just erase parts of ourselves just for the sake of others. I was born with a neurological disorder that I wish I had never had. I can't change that. It is that obvious that I have a reason I have to live with it. Ok, I am not feeling sorry for myself because there is no reason for it. I have learned that my disorder has changed me mentally and emotionally, which at times I think are the best things to have happened to me. I don't think that my brother and sister can understand the thoughts that go on in my head (Ok, but Colonel_Deckard knows what I am talking about here) and It's something I have learned that I can see as a "blessing". I am not deterred anymore by my insecurities that I dealt with as a teenager, and I know that if I start going through my insecurities again I have friends on here that would back me up in a heartbeat. Even if they didn't understand what was going on, they have always been there for me no matter the problem. I think that is why I have talked to them on here when I can. They realize that I am not always going to be able to cover my soul to the brink that I can't handle the problems. I won't hide my thoughts from them. If I have a fear, sure I am going to find the right person to tell me everything is cool. If I have a question I know that there is always going to be an answer somewhere in the land of hope.
So, I have come full circle in getting to know the real me. I don't see myself as a comedian I see myself as someone who knows the pain was real at one time, and knows that there is always going to be some hurdle I will have to cross. It doesn't matter if there are obstacles at every turn because I can find solutions to the things that make me who I am today. I told my sister in law tonight that I went through the rough period in May when we thought I was pregnant and found out otherwise. I told her that the heartbreak was not taken as well by me, but somehow I found the peace in it. I know there is a reason I am not pregnant yet, but I am okay with it. It's like we have said in the past, what ever is meant to be will happen. If it's not meant to be than you can find another way to exercise your emotions. Take on a hobby you would enjoy. Never let it stress you out. If you are not able to get past it, then talk to someone who you know can help. Best advice is always helpful if you know who to talk to.
