I know how hard dating is and it's even worse if you've been married once before. How do you find the right guy/gal to be in your life?
I dated a lot before I was married, but always went for the bad boys. It's not the way to go, believe me.
I married a bad boy the first time around and from the evening of our honeymoon, he beat the heck out of me, which is why he's my former spouse. I was married to him a lot longer than I should been, but I wanted to stay married to the first fellow I married because it was the Catholic thing to do. I finally went to counseling and figured that I don't need to stay in an abusive marriage, especially if I didn't want my then 2-yo daughter making the same mistakes I did. And remember, even men can be in abusive relationships.
I didn't date for the first two years after I divorced my first husband because I needed to figure out who I was and I didn't want to make the same mistake I did marrying him in the first place. So, I didn't date until after the second year was over...then I started dating about twice a week, a Friday night date and a Saturday day date. I didn't introduce anyone to my daughter because I didn't want her to have more losses than she needed to have. When I finally did meet a nice guy (or so I thought), it lasted until he found a younger woman much prettier and not as smart (in his eyes). He told me he had lied to me about getting married because he wanted to sleep with me. Nice liar, wasn't he? So, then I didn't date again for another year.
I made a list of all the things I wanted and didn't want in a man, just like the goal lists they say you should do if you want all your wishes to come true for your job and your life. I had 131 items on the list. You have to figure out both sides: what you do want and what you don't want because people have both within them...good and bad items...otherwise you won't find the right person for you.
After each date I had, I looked at my list and changed somethings, moved somethings in order of importance, and even took some off as not being important at all. Each person I dated was less a jerk than the one before, so I knew I was doing something right. I also figured out that even if you love someone, you absolutely DO NOT have to stay with that person. Sure, you'll feel bad for a while, but just think of how bad you'll feel if you stay with them even longer...
So, I had a few relationships that lasted about 4-6 months, but they were not the right ones. Eventually, someone told me about Match.Com, so I joined *it was when you had a 10-day membership and could actually talk with the members. They were looknig for people to have events in their cities for Valentine's Day, so I volunteered to fun their event in Seattle. It was a great success and had about 250 people show up at the place I had rented for the party. We all had a great time.
I continued to host events for Match.com for the rest of that year and got a full membership for doing that. I immediately wrote 12 men all over the world, and 5 wrote back. However, the one man who said that he didn't think it was a good idea to date long distance, was the one I thought was the best because he didn't mind just being friends (don't believe anyone when they say that men and women cannot be friends, because they can).
At first, we were emailing about once a week, then it grew to be every day. Then we started calling each other. We even dated other people, but our friendship was growing and we were at the beginnings of falling in love. I had a pretty heavy relationship from July to October, and he broke up with me because he wanted me to be something I was not. It hurt at first, but his Grandmother had warned me about him, so it didn't hurt nearly as much as it would have. I told my friend about it and he invited me to CA to be with him over the Christmas holidays from Dec. 27 to Jan. 2. We split the cost.
Once I got there, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was one of the best looking men I'd ever seen...a little gray, but not too bad, but definitely nice looks. He asked me what I wanted to do and gave me a couple choices, so we went to the Huntington Library in Pasadena. It was truly wonderful, then he took me out to eat afterwards adn headed back to his place. I don't believe in those 5 days that we got more than 15 hours of sleep, total because when we weren't talking, we were going to places all over Los Angeles and Orange County exploring. On New year's Eve, he made me a 5-course meal and served it on china and the champagne in crystal flutes, and even made a whipped cream cake.
I know some people might not find that romantic, but when someone makes you a 5-course meal including boulliabaise, ratatouille, and a whipped cream cake from scratch for you to eat, it is an amazingly romantice thing.
The interesting thing is that we already knew everything we needed to know about each other because we'd been talking about everything through emails and on the phone, so when we talked during those 5 days, it was just rehashing that information. We knew that we loved each other before I flew down, so when he proposed after the meal while we were dancing to Ottmar Leibert, it was perfect. I said I wanted to wait until the next day to give him an answer, so when I told him yes, the next morning we went out to get my engagement ring before I flew back to Seattle.
I knew he was the right person for me and he felt the same way about me. We talked every day until the day before we got married in a nice Evangelical Church in Seattle on Maple Leaf hill. We got married on Valentine's Day, so will be celebrating 12 years of marriage this Valentine's Day. We still love each other very much.
So, yes, nice guys do finish last and best, just as nice girls do as well. So, stick to your guns and you will find that right, nice person for you.
And btw, he knows all about my kinks and doesn't mind them at all, just as I know about his.
We each have friends of the opposite gender and jealousy is not an issue because neither of us cheats. We're committed to each other and we're happy. All our friends know this and respect it...the ones who don't are no longer our friends. I know that I've never been happier than I have been since we married.
So, the excitement you feel when you date bad boys or bad gals is not love. It's a form of fear and fear also is not love. Love comes from a deep abiding respect for one another with friendship as its base.
You don't have to do it the way I did to find your partner, but it sure helps. I tried the other way and never quite worked or found the person, but once I did, I married the right one for me. Even my 24 yo daughter has her list and is working it...she isn't married yet, but she is looking. Her fellas are a lot nicer than the ones I had to go through to get to where I am now.
I hope this helps the nice guys and gals find their perfect partners. So--Good luck to you! Nice people can finish first.
LJ
