Hello. Yeah, it's been a while. So you probably don't expect to hear anything from me, you know why all of sudden i'm bugging you again. Ever since, i'm the person who would say everything that i want to say and do everything that i want to do. Until one day I stopped... that very day when you told me to stop.
I tried, i really did. I wanted to get you out of my head, out of my system, out of my life...
For the first few months, i was mad. There were days I thought I was okay, that everything's fine, that, after all, i didnt really need you. I would pretend to have actually moved on and you were just someone from my distant past.
For the past months of not hearing anything from you, yes, i have survived. There were times i felt happy, though i was not sure if it was genuine.
Then days would come when i feel extremely lonely. I was so afraid of the thought that i will probably not see you ever again. There were days when i would want to call you, to talk to you, to see you... what if i'd ask you back... would you say yes? or would you reject me, again, as you did before?
Many times I would like to ask, "why?". Still, i can't find the courage, so i would just keep my silence. I would just make myself believe that what i don't know won't hurt. But i realized, not knowing gives far greater pain.
I called you once, when i thought i was strong enough to finally talk to you. But when i heard your voice on the other end of the line, i felt you were excited. and i suddenly felt insecure. At one point, i was hoping you were excited because you were hopeful it was me. But my instinct said otherwise. I knew then you were expecting someone else.
When i heard your voice again suddenly things were different. And i would feel crazy not to let you know.
At this point, i'm torn between wanting you back badly... or really letting you go...
As i can see, you seem okay. And obviously, you have your own life now that doesn't include me. Congratulations, you've managed to move on and really you're doing pretty well...
You're okay, you're happy and you've moved on... and you deserve it. With that, i'm also happy for you.
Don't worry. I don't have the slightest intention to ruin your life or anything like that. On the contrary, i sincerely wish that you find someone, if you really believe that it's not me anymore, someone who'll love you... more than i did... more than i still do.
But being okay, being happy and being able to move on were the things i've not achieved during the past months...
I wasn't able to help myself... and i do hope you could help me.
I needed to say these things to let go of my every feeling - love, longing, anger, regret, sadness, hope - otherwise i would only be thinking " what if" or "if only"...i needed this closure...
We used to say, : no goodbyes"... but i needed to say it... because i can't just go without saying goodbye.
Goodbye... for sure there will come a time when i'll be truly okay. and when that moment comes, i'll be the one to tell you "i'm fine".
I know a part of you will always be with me. But for now, we just have to go on living separately, and continue pretending we both do not exist for one another. We just have to go on with our own lives, until such time when i can finally accept the reality that we're just not meant for each other. Then i will be back. Then i can be your friend in the sense of the real world.
For the last time, let me just say...
I love you,i still do.
Goodbye
