Many years ago, when I was young and as free as a bird, I decided to take a trip-of-a-lifetime... a grand tour of the Sunbelt (Georgia-to-Arizona, in this case), via bicycle. This was no spontaneous, knee-jerk decision, though. It was a reaction to a similar trip that a friend-of-a-friend-of-my-brother had taken the previous summer, traveling from Georgia to New Hampshire.
I trained long and hard for the journey, taking several short warm-up trips before the "Big One". One of these included a trip to the Gulf Coast of Florida, during which I was briefly stalked on the highway by a pickup truck-driving, "Deliverence" (the movie) Central-Casting-reject-swamp-dwelling-inbred-fat-ass-pervert-retard (can anyone say "You got a pu-u-u-u-u-rdy mouth, boy"???!!!)! I lost him sometime after his SECOND time passing me on the road. No biggie, but it was an ominous harbinger of things to come!
Speaking of things to come... the "Big Day" to start the "Big Ride" came along, and I was prepared, mentally and physically. I said "Goodbye" to friends and relatives, and started my sojourn... one pedal-stroke at a time. This was my chance to show myself- and everyone else- that I could accomplish what few people would ever bother doing!
The whole thing was pretty uneventful, until I entered Central Texas. After about 1,000 miles of bad weather and pothole-infested roads, I had started to lose some of my self-discipline, part of which included the unwritten rule of NO HITCH-HIKING!!! During one especially-windy day, I was passed by a flat-bed pickup (RED ALERT... ominous yahoo-driven truck in the middle of nowhere... again!!!). This time, to my temporary relief, it was driven by a strangely-attractive young female neo-hippie, who pulled over and asked if I needed a ride. I gladly said "Yes!", threw my bike in the truck bed, and placed my ass in the passenger seat!
She quickly lit a joint and offered me a toke. I politely said "No, thanks", since I had recently decided to opt for clean living and clean lungs (I didn't completely lose my self-discipline on the lonely road). With this, she got back to the tedious task of driving.
After a couple of miles, she suddenly started pointing wildly with her joint-holding fingers to something in a dusty field. I looked to the right, and noticed a couple of buzzards jumping around. OK... hmmmmmmm... whatever. Then she started explaining the significance of the event... something like "They're doing their mating dance!!!" she gushed with nearly-orgasmic glee! At this point, I was somehow reminded of the cult-classic, grade "B" horror-flick "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", since we were in... Texas. Oh, yeah... that, and she was getting excited over... large-winged carcass-eating love-birds!
I tried to remain calm and cool about the whole episode... until I turned to my left, and she got IN... MY... FACE, and shouted "Squa-a-a-a-a-a-w-w-w-w-k, squa-a-a-a-a-w-w-w-w-k!!!" several ear-piercing times, while wildly flapping her arms, in an insane attempt to tempt me with the call of the wild! I must have shown no apparent interest, because she soon calmed down, and got back the business of... driving.
A few miles farther down the highway, I asked her to stop at a fork in the road, got my ass out of the passenger seat, and my bike out of the truck bed. I said something to the effect of "Thanks for the ride", and waved "Goodbye" to my glassy-eyed "Angel of Mercy" as the strangely-attractive female neo-hippie swerved out of site. Then I continued my cross-country trek... one pedal-stroke at a time!
LYRICS TO "BIRD WATCHING"
Deep in the bowels of Texas I stood-
watching the buzzards overhead.
Along came a woman in a beat-up old truck-
looking stoned and lonely- just my luck!
There she was- my glassy-eyed angel of mercy...
something told me those wings weren't angelic!
With her raven hair, in the smoke-filled air,
she sat and stared... at the birds!
Don't get me wrong... I won't put her on trial,
but she had this curious thing for fowl!
When she suggested we give it a go-o-o-o-o-o-o,
I ruffled her feathers when I said "No"!
There she was- my glassy-eyed angel of mercy...
something told me those wings weren't angelic!
With her raven hair, in the smoke-filled air,
she sat and stared... at the birds!!!
music and lyrics copyright 2005 by Michael Lofton
... that's me, BTW!
