QC aka His Light Fury's blog: "Ramblings of a Busy Mind"

I am broken…many years of emotional abuse and bad relationships have diluted the person I feel I should/could be.

I do not hold anyone in particular responsible, and I am not looking to be fixed or saved…to the extent possible I have already saved myself…in the sense that I know I am broken and for the most part, I understand why.

I am not sure exactly when it started…or if maybe it was there all along…at what point exactly did I begin to feel inferior or not quite good enough??? I wish I could pinpoint the trigger and undo it.

In my own family I feel inferior and like a “black sheep” if you will…No matter how hard I have tried to make myself “worthy” in the eyes of those whose acceptance I need most...my efforts and accomplishments seem to wither in the face of their judgement…it never seems to be good enough…I never seem to be good enough.

We are products of our experiences and we know that which we are taught…we teach people how to treat us and I believe somewhere along the line, my respectful (what I believed to be manners) and subservient (liking to help others and needing to feel needed/wanted) nature has allowed me to be viewed as weak and therefore taken for granted time and again.

This feeling has perpetuated a vicious cycle in my life. I feel inferior for whatever reason and therefore feel I need to do what I can for people so they appreciate/need/want/love me.

So I give and they take...and take and take…until there is nothing left for me to give…then the resentment starts….because the people I give so much rarely if ever give anything back…and I never can understand why…look at everything I do and give to you…is it really asking so much…appreciate me…love me…

They say they do…but I never FEEL it…I feel empty inside…and I feel used and taken advantage of.

Actions speak louder than words for me…words are nice…but not when the actions contradict what is said.

I have lost trust/faith in words. Without the action to “validate” the words…they just have become empty platitudes used to placate my need to feel appreciated and loved. It all feels like lies.

Empty promises and apologies as well as a million excuses serve to solidify the feeling that I am not worth the time/effort if it means it would interfere with something they would prefer to do.

It hurts them when I point this out, how could I think they don’t love/appreciate me? I feel guilty for hurting them with my words and resentful that I have been put in a position where such ideas could even have been conceived.

I am torn between feeling guilty for making them feel bad and angry that they don’t feel guilty for making me feel as though I am not worth their time and effort.