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kids

In January of 2006 My parental rights were terminated to my three children. I was using drugs and being around the wrong types of men. I had to say good bye to my kids and i miss them so much. I wish that i could sit down with them and tell them how much that i love them and miss them. They are getting so big now and i have to miss all of that becasue of my selfish behavior. I lay in bed at night and think about them wondering if they think about me or miss me. I am trying to change my life so that i can help other parents that are in my situation. I get so overwhelmed though. I currently have custody of my one year old son, and going to school full time. Some days i just want to quit because it is too hard, but i know that is old behavior for me. I just want to prevent any mother or father for feeling what i had to feel when i said goodbye to those kids. They are always in my heart. I love them so much that it hurts.

Hurting

Why does love have to hurt so much? I wish that i wasnt so insecure and nervous when in a relationship. I love someone and feel like i am losing them. I always make the same mistake in relationships. I always think that they are out to hurt me and that they dont really love me. I cant ever distinguish when someone is joking with me or when they are serious. then I overreact. I miss this person so much.... They made me so happy. I dont know how to tell this person that i am sorry and that i love them. I just wish that they understood how i felt. Writing seems to somewhat ease the pain. I was told not long ago that this person was a player and I went off on him.. I fogave him for what could of been just jealousy. Now that i said something that i shouldnt have he cant forgive me or wont i am not sure which. I cant sleep at night because i lay here and think about what i should of done but now it is too late to do it. I dont understand why love has to hurt so much!!! It is not fair, i know that i am a good person and deserve love but damn why is it so hard to find.
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