JudoMinja's blog: "Just Writing"

I've been feeling like writing. Something I haven't done in a long time. The urge to set my fingers typing across the keys is absolutely irresistable. If only I knew what I wanted to write about. I have so many incomplete stories that I could work on, so many ideas, thoughts, and things I need to just get off my mind, but what to write.

Right now I'll just write. I'll write until I know what it is I want. I'll write until my thoughts run dry. I'll write until my fingers cramp. I'll write until I don't even know what I'm writing anymore. I'll write without planning it out. I'll just write, and write and write.

I don't know what to think of myself anymore. I used to be so proud of everything I've done with my life. I used to be optimistic, goal oriented, happy. I used to have a plan for my future. Now I just don't know. I hate myself, and I hate yet love my life. I never understood how someone could experience those very polar opposite feelings for the same thing at the same time. A juxtaposition of emotions I once thought impossible. Now I understand.

I'm stuck in a rut I can't seem to escape. I'm surviving only thanks to the help of family and friends. I need to find a job, but I can't take the time to job search. My husband has an injury and he can hardly even take care of himself let alone our three month old son. I need to find work to support us, but I can't leave the house for more than a few hours.

I'm not having much luck on the job market even if I could take the time to job search. I'm applying online to every place I can think of, and I haven't heard anything back from any of them because I have bad attendance marks on my record from my previous jobs thanks to my pregnancy.

So what am I to do? Am I cursed to forever be living off the support of others? How am I ever going to accomplish anything with my life?

I love my husband. I love my son. I love taking care of them and spending time with them. But I'm tired of being in debt. I'm tired of never leaving the house. I'm tired of having to ask everyone around me for help and never having any money of my own.