Last yr this time I had a job and my kids all together.
In Nov the younger ones dad tried to take me to court for full custody, I won but he got unsurpervised visits. Some already knows the situation and do know that he has a bad history of mental and physical abuse towards me and the kids and is using drugs and an alcoholic with a heart desease.
Then in Jan. they stopped a massive stroke when my oldest boy took me to the ER because I had a severe headache and throwing up everywhere. I did have a full time job, not much but had the bills paid and was able for once in my life to go on a trip alone and get some RR (never been seperated and had kids all of my adult life to take care of) Met some wonderful and loving people.
Lost a good friend do to some drama that happened too. In March my, then, 7yr old cussed me out one day and I pulled his pants down and spanked his butt for it. The next morning (worked 3rd) I came home and 2 hrs later the dfs and cops was at my door saying I sent him to school with a fresh mark on his face, I hadn't seen him in 10yrs. They had also told me that the babysitter signed a statement saying I did it and regularly beat him, which is a lie. I then was thrown across the room and cuffed and spent 4 days in jail with a felony charge and had the younger kids taken. Was sent to this class that taught that spankings is alright and go to all appts and everything they asked of me and still not good enough.
I lost my job because of everything and my insurance and still fighting to get the charges dropped and my kids back. Not easy finding work when you have felony charges and the only work I could find is one day a month at 7 bucks an hr 35mls away.
It's christmas now and here we are seperated and being told that I am depressed, weill tell me how I am supposed to feel right now. I have one kid here out of 4 and my oldest is bringing the grandchildren which I haven't seen in many months. I love all of my kids dearly and at times I do feel I don't exist. I don't know how he got the mark but do know that I didn't do it and that I want my kids back.
If I seem moody or not there this is why, I am depressed and frustrated and missing my kids.
As I sat here day after day watching everyone and I still don't understand how any adult can fall in love without even meeting in person. To me and my feelings that is not love but a Love/Lust born out of fear and loneliness.
I may be silly and awkward and don't know love to well but to me the person on the other end of the computer is only a dear sweet close friend by heart and the attraction that is there is Lust only and can never be a Love that is complete til you have met and get to know each other in real life. Til that moment it is a fantasy and that person could be someone completely different in real life then on a computer.
The distance has to be broken to fall in love to me and That is how I feel.
Saddens me to watch the hearts being blinded by that need and knowing something could never be. So the heart is broken every time
For the Dear Loved ones of the Fallen Ones that will never Know.