I look at pictures and all off sudden my mood goes from happy memories to being really sad... I miss the silly fights, the weird talks, the walks that I wished wouldnt end, but most of all I miss the smile. I know at this point I cant put myself back there because it was an emotional rollercoaster ride of ups and downs and twists and turns. I'm in a better state mentaly then I was back then and I could probably handle the emotions I was feeling much better now. There are still things I need to do before I can love again though.
There have been guys in my life since then but I have yet to allow myself to open up to them; for fear of love? I do not know. More so maybe because I feel I have many flaws of which I do not wish to reveal to anyone because then I once again become vulnerable. I feel since those pictures my life has progressed more slowly then it would have had I stayed.
I have one thing left on my list to do before I feel I can allow myself to open up once again. I may have found a guy who is willing to wait for me to discover my independence and check this one last thing off my list. Even though I am not looking for a relationship and we are just friends at this point I can feel gim growing on me at the same time I have to stayed pushed away for a few more months. I am not ready to let myself fall for anyone, I am setting my priorities and a relationship isnt on the list.
The pictures hurt to look at though; so happy that it hurts to have lost that part of me and my life. I had a future and a direction then; I didn't need to do it all on my own, I had help. I'm alone now and it hurts sometimes but its also a reminder that I still have some growing up to do.
I'm growing up and its hard to handle, but I'm doing it! I'm big city bound!
