Trust
I was looking through some old files on the computer and decided to repost some here for the benefit of those who read here. These works are not by me and the authors are credited at the end when original authors are known.
Trust
There is nothing more important in a BDSM relationship then trust. For that matter any relationship one has in life there has to be trust between the two people. As children we trust our parents. As we move on in life we begin to trust close friends, teachers, and doctors and so on and so forth. As we become of age we begin to trust the opposite sex even taking a partner. Then some of us veer off into another lifestyle called BDSM where we find either a partner that is Dominant to us or submissive to us and we begin to build trust. What is trust really the dictionary gives the following definition of what it is:
1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Firm belief that a person or thing may be relied on.
3. Belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof.
4. Loyalty: allegiance or loyalty to somebody or something.
If you look at the above definition certain things do stand out such as trust is about integrity, it's about believing one can rely on another. It is about giving devotion to another and it's about being loyal to another. How does that fit into a BDSM relationship? Trust is very much an Integral part of BDSM.
BDSM is a lifestyle based on truth, honor, integrity, as well as a lifestyle that because of some of the practices one has to trust completely that their partner will follow safety precautions. Trust becomes a line between life and death.
Domination and submission between the Dominant and the sub there has to be a trust built the sub has to be able to feel that they can go to that Dominant with anything and it will be accepted and understood. They have to feel that it will not be looked down upon or that there will be recriminations for them doing so. For what happens if a sub has something in their past that hinders them from moving forward. If they do not feel they can trust the Dominant to understand the problem or to accept what happened in the past with out there being recriminations then how can that sub possibly feel comfortable enough to bring it to their Dominant.
The sub also needs to feel that they can count on and trust that Dominant to do the right things pertaining to the sub. This means that the sub can feel safe in knowing that the Dominant will always do their best to make the correct decisions pertaining to the life of the submissive. It also means they can trust in their Dominant to see not only to the every day needs of their lives but also the physical and emotional aspects of their lives. They have to know that if some emergency comes up pertaining to them or they are struggling trying to cope that Dominant can step up to the plate and solve the problem. Be it a simple problem like wondering what to eat that day to a major problem of no food in the house to eat and no money for the store.
On the other hand the Dominant has to be able to trust that submissive such as knowing that the sub will open up be honest with their feelings and tell all of their problems they are struggling with. In my dealings with sub missives I have found that sometimes they do not tell the Dominant the full problem one because they are two embarrassed or two because they do not want to burden that Dominant thinking that He/She will love them less because they are bothersome. This is very much not true guys, Dominants thrive on solving problems when the sub goes to the Dominant and places their trust in that Dominant with a problem it does several things one it makes that Dominant feel needed which in turn makes them feel powerful over that submissive. It also shows that they are doing something right in order for that submissive to feel comfortable enough to come to them.
Now granted depending on how big the problem is they might feel my god what next but at the same time the fact their sub needs them will have them running to correct the problem because that's what Dominants do. They have to trust that sub to be loyal to them and their guidance. They have to know that if they decree something and the sub does not exactly like it the sub will not run off half cocked but will remain loyal to the Dominants words and commands.
The thing about trust is that both parties have to have a trust and respect for each other they have to know they can count on one another to do the job in the relationship that each are suppose to do. Trust goes even deeper in a BDSM relationship then just trusting in one another and being loyal. If You think about it given some of the things done in scening the sub is literally putting their life in the hands of that Dominant. That is a hell of a lot of trust to be putting in someone. That sub has to know that the Dominant will adhere to her limits, that the Dominant will respect her safe word when she uses it.
The sub has to know that what ever the Dominant decides on in a scene they damn well know what they are doing and have practiced and done it before. The sub has to place their total trust in that Dominant that He/She is responsible enough to only do what they have knowledge of. If not that sub has to place their trust in that Dominant that He will be honest enough to say this is something new for Him/Her also and decide together wither to go ahead and try it.
We have looked at how trust comes about but let's take a minute to look at how it is broken and what happens. Trust is a very fragile thing one wrong turn and it can come all tumbling down. Sometimes it can be regained and others it becomes such a big issue that there is no recouping and the relationship will end up bitter, and hurtful. One must realize that when in a relationship it is not only about how one interacts with the partner but how one interacts with everything in life and the choices they make. For regardless of what we may think our choices and how we deal with things do reflect upon us as a person.
Ways that trust become broken or dented are things such as making promises that are either not kept or there is an excuse as to why that promise is not kept. Such as telling the sub you will call them at such and such a time or be on line at such and such a time and you either don't show up on line or you do not call. Then there is a good excuse as to why. Well that might work the first time and the sub may accept the excuse but when it continually happens believe me the trust begins to unhinge. For how can you trust in someone if they do not keep their word on simple promises or do what they say they are going to do? So Dominants if you say your going to do something then do it otherwise you are going to end up in a big trust issue.
Same goes for the subs do not say you can handle something nor do something unless you really can come through on it. Another thing that breaks trust is to not be honest with each other. This pertains to both on line and off line. If you're asked a question answer it truthfully, that means all questions. For instance don't make up grandiose answers thinking to impress the other person. Just remember those answers will come to light one day and if you lie about them right off you will have to continue on the lie with another lie and so forth and so on and eventually You will trip Yourself up. Once a lie comes out no matter how small it breaks the trust for if one lied about one thing how much more have they lied about.
Another thing that breaks trust is promising the relationship will be this or that then in midstream changing the parameters. Such as a Dominant saying they are not poly and do not want a poly relationship then a year down the line suddenly deciding they want a second sub. That right there has broken many a trust not to mention many a relationship. Be sure of what you want guys because your partner is trusting on you to deliver your part of the relationship. (see note 1)
These are just a few things that can break trust there are many many more. Trust is a long on going process that builds day to day, hour to hour, year to year it can take years to build trust fully but it can take just minutes to break it. Don't promise what you can not deliver, don't say you will do something then don't. Don't lie for they will catch up. Don't play on another's feelings for they will end up hurt.
Always be honest, loyal and upstanding in your dealings with other people for to not do so no matter the situation it reflects on you as a person. If your dealings are not above board with others then how can the one you're with trust you do right by them.
Note 1 – People change and so do their wants, but it must be as a couple and not 1 or the other demanding a change.
