Tony's blog: "No name"

I listen to my southern preacher and sometimes he speaks fast for a southern man, and he's going on and preaching and he says "sometimes God has to drag you there". Well I laughed. Hit me just right. I don't think he meant it to be funny, but all the same, most of the people listening laughed too. It was like a laugh with a tear. I love when that happens, when a preacher says something and it hits everyone just right, and we laugh in common union with each other. He wasn't trying to make a joke, or a funny, but he did, without even knowing it until that instance. He's dragging me, pulling, making me, just like a father should. Just makes me happy to know that. It's a warm feeling, I'd say comforting. Comforting to know that yeah I've done bad, this and that, but I have a Lord that's still making me do what He knows is right. Will I fail sometimes? sure. Our relationship is kind now. Strict, but I can laugh, and it's becoming easy to laugh. If I could write in the dictionary, I'd title that JOY!

At first I would almost say it's scary. To be reminded, again and again, all through the day what is right and what is wrong. I think it's scary because I never thought of myself as that bad of a person, but now, in just little details here and there, I find them all around, and pointed out, some big and some small. And when I think about it, God has been relentless toward me all my life. And it's turning out to be not a bad thing, but sort of like a learning curve. It's taking some time but I'm slowly starting to weed the bad from the good, and when I just feel it, feel when He says "no don't do this, get out of here", there's a good feeling that comes from obeying. "Go here, go there, do this, do that, say this or say that". It's a humbling experiance, but it's good because good will come out of it. Keep showing me, and please please, don't let anymore of my closest friends depart from me.

I just want to tell you what a wonderful mother you've been to me. You gave birth to me, you raised me in a good way, made my childhood a happy one, encouraged me when I did good, and scolded me when I did bad. You fed me, you dressed me, you taught me right from wrong, you told me to stay in school, you hugged me, you laughed with me, you've cried with me. And after all that, as a grown man I am, you did lot's the same. If I could ask the Lord for a better Mother, I wouldn't, you're as good as they get. You're completely the best. I hope  one day, if I marry, she'll be someone like you, that kind of love, that kind of caring. I know I'll never get that but I sure tell ya, it's great I have you as my mother. I really couldn't ask for a better one. You beat them all. I love you mom.

Take the leap of faith

Do you want to be happy?

Look at what's in front of you

I'll make you happy not by my hand

I'll make you happy wiith a presence

A presence that overpowers me

But  a presense even better.

Just love me please, or I'll be gone, and I tell ya, that's  something I DO NOT want to happen.

My love in way like that can move. I just hope it doesn't move away from you.

I had a couple visit last night and my friend was right after all. Told me I want this and that, and I agreed, but in the back of my head, I'm tinking, I don't know.

Is it fair for me to say "ok clean break and no more communication"? I just can't see it from a love I have now. It's a deep and true love. Well I hope it is. I just feel like saying "look back, at me, look at how things cans be. look in my eyes, look at everything that's going so well now, trust this, not in that" If I can convince I don't know, but, I'm giving it another shot. Only because I love her with the deepest part of my heart. May not seem like much, but really, it's alot.

One time I was in a relationship with a girl, lasted longer than a decade. Well, we had these neighbors, her boyfriend wasn't too much to speak of at the time, hope he's doing well now though. But one day, sitting at her kitchen table and her 5 year old daughter says "momma", she said "yes?'. and she said "I love Tony". I tell ya. felt like the first time someone had ever said that to me. And the look on the moms face, it was a smile. And ya know, I did love that child and her son. They just seemed to know it too. To experiance something like that is a joy to the heart.

Do a good job at your best? Hah that's a given. My mind is on you, noone else. For you, I'll do my best, make the best of it come from it. I'll do my best to do a good job for my work, and I'll do a good job for my family, the very best I can give you, that's what I'll do. I'm going to wake up in the morning, have you on my mind, then go from there and the best thing, I already know it's going to be a great day with you. You just wait. I'm going to make you proud of me. I'm going to see that smile on your face one day. There's no wrong I see in you or what you make me think I should do. I only see perfection, honesty, and glory. You've made a promise to me. I believe it now. And I'll not doubt it. It may lead places that I didn't expect but I see now it ends well. So down and out for so long, now to realize the morning, and see what a great day it is, is just amazing. Even amazed I can sit here and write this. Been through some hard times, but now you forget all of that. Thank you Jesus.

When I was young, I was sort of poor, got picked on some because of my shoes, of all things. I believe it was 7th grade, I was standing there waiting on the bus and watching a young man getting picked on for the same thing by 3 bullies. I don't know if I did the right thing, but that main bully found himself on his back. Now I didn't know this young man, but when he walked up to me and said thanks, and stood with me there to our busses came, it brought a good to my heart. He felt safe there with me, I had protected him, stood up for hiim against the evil that he was experiancing. Well, the bullies didn't bother him again after that. At that age it's hard to figure out what is right or not, but in my heart at that time, I felt it was right, and for the first time I stiood up and defended a young man, and I remember I felt good about that. I never made friends with him but in high school, he came to me one day and thanked me again, told me was the only thougthful thing anyone had done for him at that time that had stuck in his head. He's now a successful manager at a company, last I've heard. I may have been wrong yes, but I believe Jesus words this way. Put the unjust in their right place and who knows, maybe it helped them too. I believe God is love but I believe He is just also and I believe he used me that day and maybe changed a young insecure man into a brave, safe man, with no insecurities anymore. And if not for me, I don't know, but now he's a happy and successful man. Who knows what the effects of our actions have on others, when we're young or old. When I look back and see how He's used me even when I didn't know, I'm amazed. So many of em. If He puts something in your mind or your heart my friend, just do it, you won't regret it. He may have created this entire universe for you, us, How could He express  His love more than that? I don't see how. The majesty of that is awesome. My comfort is here with Him. I love You for now and forever and ever and ever. What a warm feeling to know that from now I'm not alone. He comes first, after that he says My way is best and I trust that and I will from now on.

I'm at lake. Just the preacher, me, and all the members, about 40 people. He says a prayer and tells God to make me a new creature in His image. Hah well he held me under that water for quite a few seconds. It was some painful, but I didn't resist it. I came out of that water and the preacher says "now sing to your Lord". I'm not a good singer but I did. I praised and thanked Him for this. The smiles on the peoples faces were priceless. The look on the preachers face was a sober one and serious. Then a smile came and he said "welcome home". Wish I would have done that a long time ago. One of the older members says "how'd that feel son?" It felt great, my sins are washed away and forgotten by my Father forever. From now on, my life is for Him, whatever He tells me to do I'll do it and if I mess up here and there, I'll let Him speak to me and recognize it. Father, I pray I never leave your presence again. I thank you Jesus for You giving me some time here. When I see You I'll have no pride, just humility in your site, but I can see now, I'll be in your good grace, an everlasting grace. One with eternity stamped on it. I tell ya, when I came out of that water, it was nice to be around those people but it was so good to feel the presence of Jesus. He wasn't only there watching, He was in me. Talk about a feeling of love, lol, I can't even explain that. It was over flowing. Born again, yes, It's exactly the right words. Not that I was dipped in water but I came I was made to commit to Him, for now and from now on. Sure, I'll make mistakes here and there, but what better way to do so with God on your side?

I slept a couple of hours I think, woke up laughing with tears. With all this pain I've suffered God, how can I laugh? He tells me "You finally let me use you. You didn't say what you wanted to, but you've became my good and faithful servant. I've spoke through you, to someone. I was a vessel to someones heart. I've been waiting for this my servant. You may lose some sleep at first, but you did it, and for this I'm proud. I have a destiny for you, not one that will always make you happy, but in the end, just trust me, it will be bigger than you ever imagined. I know it hurts but your trust in me is a big reward in the end and thank you for finally doing as I say. For so long you haven't and finally the day has come. From this day forwad, you'll follow in my footsteps. Now what better way would you want to live? In my glory is where you are, stay there and you'll be a happy man. I can't say it will be painless but it will be in your best interest. I will not tell you now my child, but you see. My way is the best way." And you know, I laughed, or better yet, smiled.