So I was blasted today by a small-minded idividual for not only having been in polyamorous relationships, but for allowing my husband to have girlfriends.
Why does everyone assume that I am insecure and have no self-esteem?
Why is it wrong if we are happy?
Do I really need to explain this in full for all of those who just don't understand it??
I think first I need to define polyamory since there is already a misunderstanding in the answers.
Polygamy is the practice of multiple marriages. In countries that don't recognize plural marriage, such as the U.S., polygamy is usually "spiritual" in nature and therefore each marriage may be recognized by a religious body, but not the State. The most common form of polygamy is polygyny, where one many is married to multiple women. Less common is polyandry where one woman is married to multiple men. Polygamy is not illegal since there is no State recognized marriages, which would be bigamy, and there is a difference between polygamy and bigamy.
Bigamy is the practice of being legally married (recognized by the State) to more than one person, but those people do not know about the other spouse. This is illegal in all the states of the U.S.
Polyamory is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Is it possible? Yes. Lets put it this way, you have a child and you love it. You have another child, do you love the first child half as much now? You have a third child, do you love each child 1/3 as much as you could love just one? No. Yet, when it comes to intitmate, adult relationships people view them as feast or famine, all or nothing. They hoard their love and believe that they can only give it to one person, and that if their spouse likes someone else also, that they will only be loved half as much.
The fact is that this just isn't true.
Polyamorous people have accepted that the fairytale idea of someone being your "one and only" and being "your everything" is a myth, and a dangerous one since nobody can be everything to you, and asking or expecting them to be is setting them, and your relationship up for failure and disappointment because they can't live-up to those unrealistic expectations.
You see it here on Fubar! Answers all the time. People answering relationship questions with "if he/she really loves you than you should be all they ever need". Of course the flip side of this is the reality when someone asks "why am I not enough for him/her?"
A therapist once said to my ex-husband as we were undergoing marriage counseling after 3 years of marriage:
"The problem is you put her up on a pedastal so high you couldn't reach her. You expected her to be your everything, and when she couldn't you became angry and resentful toward her for letting you down. When in reality you unknowingly set yourself up for disappointment from the beginning by expecting her to be such."
Why do you think the divorce rate is so high? It's because many people can't get all their needs, both emotional and physical, by just one person. And when that person doesn't live-up to the fairytale image of the prince or princess they resent them and start looking outside their marriage for the one thing missing from thier marriage, even though everything else about that person might be fabulous.
Polyamorous people recognize their own shortcomings and and are secure enough in themselves and their value and worth to other people to allow their partner to seek fulfillment from others in those areas of their relationship that they can't fulfill. Basically they see no reason to throw away a perfectly good relationship with someone they love because they fall short in fulfilling one or two things for their partner. They relish that their partner can find happiness and fulfillment in those areas with someone else and that their partner is a whole, happy and fulfilled person because of it.
Love + Love = more love.
For instance, my husband and I have been involved in one true polyamorous relationship with another female. My husband was in love with her just like he is in love with me, but also for different reasons because she was different from me and brought different things to the table and fulfilled different areas in himself that I can't, because the connected for some of the same, but also different reasons than she and I do. It was not a replacement for me, but rather in addition to me. We both brought different things to the table for her. Because of this he felt fulfilled, and he was the happiest I've seen him in the years we've been together. It's like his whole life came together just right during this time.
Was I jealous? No. It just kind of happened. We'd been swinging for some time and because my husband and I both recognize our value and worth to each other and each others' happiness is essential to our own, this was just a natural evolution of our love for each other.
So when done between the right people, for the right reasons (addition to your already great relationship, not a replacement for bad relationship) than it is a good thing that will not create problems between a couple. Done for the wrong reasons or between the wrong people it will be disasterous. And these are the ones you typically hear from because happy, well adjusted people have no reason to moan and complain about their relationship to whoever will listen because their life is good. People with good relationships don't go around bragging to others about how good it is, but people in a bad relationship complain all the time about how bad it is. I always love when professional relationship counselors say they have never seen a couple where it worked out. But all marriage counselors and therapist see are couples in trouble. Happily married people don't waste their money on therapists and marriage counselors.
