Blah, so Im at the ocean to help out with my grandpa...do some things for him so he can break away to go spend time with my grandma up at the hospital...it really sucks I mean I dont mind helping but this whole situation really does blow, I think I am really the one whos tryin to be the strongest for everyone and its hard I mean I have my teary moments...but blah when we got here yesterday we cooked my grandpa some dinner over here in the club house so I went to his camper "they run a camp ground down at the ocean" so anywho and Im sittin there he seems kinda ok, more tired like then anything but then he broke down started cryin tellin me how sick my grandma really is...he hadnt said much to my mama or aunt I guess not to worry them and so I figure he thought he could talk to me cuz theres no one to talk to...and what do you say to someone? Whos wife may be dying? Ive never seen him cry before its just gut renching it hurts to see him like this Im good with my grandma but its I dunno cant explain it I dont wanna say its worse n more heart breakin to see him like this when shes the one whos suffering but in a sense he is too....I just tried to keep his spirits up tell him shell be alright. She was supposed to start kemo or however the hell ya spell it today but didnt they did some biopsy work today on some of her tumor clusters and guess they went thru the front rather then thru her back which is a good thing. And she sounded alot better today too...see we went n saw her on our way down to the ocean stayed maybe five mins cuz she was so out of it...shes a tiny lady super tiny and she just looked so fragile :( so we let her sleep because of the pain meds..but today she was alot chipper still having pains in her side but she said she still felt better which is comforting to hear...
as for last night sorry for the backtrackin but what can ya do? me n my mama stayed in our camper and well yanno it happens shes a snorer lol but last night I was in bed and didnt hear nothing...I couldnt fall asleep cuz I couldnt hear her ZzzZzzin..then I heard SNIFFFF...she was crying...I asked if she was ok she said yes...I kept on with are u sure??? finally she broke down said no, she doesnt have a good feeling bout all this because of how fast they wanna push her into her kemo. so I got up n sat with her...she has been tryin to "act" strong but shes holding it in, and shes gettin super snappy bitchy cuz of it so in a way it was good to see her finally lettin it out..but again I had to deal with another person hurtin like man...there I sit tryin not to cry which I didnt I did good dunno how but I did. this is just all to much maybe I needa just let it all out too? But I dont really wanna...not till I know for sure the total out come because things can go good there are miricles in life maybe this is one of them. I gots hope for her.
And bebe if ya readin this...sry for the other day Im just seriously stressin and I need ya..
alright Im off gonna go sit with my grandpa for a while n keep him and their kids "chihuahuas" company.
xoxo always ~Me
