Lisa CLUB FAR's blog: "~BiPolar Cherry~ Blog"

Naughty Riddles Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A: 1 US leader
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it - we're closed. ,Br> Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex? A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread? A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game? A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the definition of macho? A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A: Their balls are just for decoration.

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The Ten Commandments in Kentucky... (Keeps it REAL Simple) 1. God is number one... and das' All. 2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God. 3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord. 4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by the church house. 5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem. 6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No! 7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her. 8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else. 9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff. 10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM Machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without Leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures Outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures Have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender." MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. *********************************************************** FEMALE PROCEDURE: Unfortunately, much of this part is true!!!! 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car Window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to Locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its Excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the Inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in Back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag , locate card holder and place card into The slot provided. 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake.

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have drug problem when you and I were growing up?'' I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me. I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four letter word. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flowerbeds and cocklebur's out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed. Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

> > > On April 10th 2007, the ASPCA will be celebrating ‘ASPCA Day’ and encouraging animal lovers nationwide to ‘Go Orange for Animals’. > > The ASPCA was founded in 1866 as the first humane organization in the Western Hemisphere. The Society was formed to alleviate the injustices animals faced then, and we continue to battle cruelty today. Whether it’s saving a pet who has been accidentally poisoned, fighting to pass humane laws, rescuing animals from abuse or sharing resources with shelters across the country, we work toward the day in which no animal will live in pain or fear. Come and join us in the fight to end animal cruelty > > > check out the ASPCA website to learn more > http://www.aspca.org/site/PageServer >

Ok here are a couple of thing that my 4 yrold almost 5 yrold said to me. He will be 5 on the 11th and goes to pre school the 1st was Mommy I am dying of thirsty. and last night we were talking about what he ate at school and hesaid "Mommy I was thinking about you and I dropped my waffel. If he says any thing eles I will keep you posted Have a great day

I got this in my e mail i wanted to share it I thought it was great.I hope you enjoy it. A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now....cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train.... cause we're going on down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language. Two Hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue… "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, PLEASE see the bitch in the kitchen..."

Samhain Lore (October 31st) Samhain, (pronounced SOW-in, SAH-vin, or SAM-hayne) means "End of Summer", and is the third and final Harvest. The dark winter half of the year commences on this Sabbat. It is generally celebrated on October 31st, but some traditions prefer November 1st. It is one of the two "spirit-nights" each year, the other being Beltane. It is a magical interval when the mundane laws of time and space are temporarily suspended, and the Thin Veil between the worlds is lifted. Communicating with ancestors and departed loved ones is easy at this time, for they journey through this world on their way to the Summerlands. It is a time to study the Dark Mysteries and honor the Dark Mother and the Dark Father, symbolized by the Crone and her aged Consort. Originally the "Feast of the Dead" was celebrated in Celtic countries by leaving food offerings on altars and doorsteps for the "wandering dead". Today a lot of practitioners still carry out that tradition. Single candles were lit and left in a window to help guide the spirits of ancestors and loved ones home. Extra chairs were set to the table and around the hearth for the unseen guest. Apples were buried along roadsides and paths for spirits who were lost or had no descendants to provide for them. Turnips were hollowed out and carved to look like protective spirits, for this was a night of magic and chaos. The Wee Folke became very active, pulling pranks on unsuspecting humans. Traveling after dark was was not advised. People dressed in white (like ghosts), wore disguises made of straw, or dressed as the opposite gender in order to fool the Nature spirits. This was the time that the cattle and other livestock were slaughtered for eating in the ensuing winter months. Any crops still in the field on Samhain were considered taboo, and left as offerings to the Nature spirits. Bonfires were built, (originally called bone-fires, for after feasting, the bones were thrown in the fire as offerings for healthy and plentiful livestock in the New Year) and stones were marked with peoples names. Then they were thrown into the fire, to be retrieved in the morning. The condition of the retrieved stone foretold of that person's fortune in the coming year. Hearth fires were also lit from the village bonfire to ensure unity, and the ashes were spread over the harvested fields to protect and bless the land. Various other names for this Greater Sabbat are Third Harvest, Samana, Day of the Dead, Old Hallowmas (Scottish/Celtic), Vigil of Saman, Shadowfest (Strega), and Samhuinn. Also known as All Hallow's Eve, (that day actually falls on November 7th), and Martinmas (that is celebrated November 11th), Samhain is now generally considered the Witch's New Year. Symbolism of Samhain: Third Harvest, the Dark Mysteries, Rebirth through Death. Symbols of Samhain: Gourds, Apples, Black Cats, Jack-O-Lanterns, Besoms. Herbs of Samhain: Mugwort, Allspice, Broom, Catnip, Deadly Nightshade, Mandrake, Oak leaves, Sage and Straw. Foods of Samhain: Turnips, Apples, Gourds, Nuts, Mulled Wines, Beef, Pork, Poultry. Incense of Samhain: Heliotrope, Mint, Nutmeg. Colors of Samhain: Black, Orange, White, Silver, Gold. Stones of Samhain: All Black Stones, preferably jet or obsidian. Neopagan Celebration of Samhain in Modern Times After the arrival of the Gregorian calendar, Pagans are believed to have moved Samhain back about a week to OCT-31. Most modern day Wiccans and Druids have attempted to reconstruct as accurately as possible, Celtic beliefs, rituals, and other practices. A Wiccan, or other Neopagan, may celebrate the Sabbat alone, as a solitary practitioner. Or they might gather with others in a coven, which typically might include 6 or more adults. A typical celebration of Samhain might involve: Scheduling the celebration to a day near October 31. Wiccans often avoid Halloween, because of the interruptions from "trick or treaters." Decorating their altar with autumn flowers, pine-cones, small pumpkins, decorative gourds, etc. Ritual purification of each participant; they take a solitary bath. Casting (creating) a sacred circle within which their ceremonies are conducted. The circle is usually marked with four candles of various colors aligned at the four cardinal directions. The purpose of the circle is to confine the Wiccans' healing powers within it. It is not created to provide protection against demonic powers as some Cowans (non-Wiccans) have suggested. Performing rituals of divination to predict the future. This may involve tarot cards, runes, I Ching, etc. Performing rituals to contact loved ones who have died. ''There is a recognition of our close ties with our ancestors and a recognition that the veils between the worlds are thin at this time of year." 9 They do not perform séances, as do Spiritualists. They do not summon or order back the dead. "They do, however, believe that, if the dead themselves wish it, they will return at the Sabbat to share in the love and celebration of the occasion." Consecrating and sharing cakes and wine (or perhaps muffins and cider) Banishing (or closing or grounding) the circle. Because of the fear of attacks from misinformed Cowans these rituals had been rarely performed in public. However, in recent years, an increasing number of Neopagans have been coming out of the (broom) closet and performing public rituals for all to enjoy.