CrazyDiamond's blog: "Beer"

* "You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.) * "I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.) * "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.) * "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female - I'm easy.) * "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male - I'm gay.) * "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female - I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.) * "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male - If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?) * "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female - You are paying more attention to your friends than me.) * "I don't feel well, let's go home." (male - I'm horny.) * "Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.) * "Excuse Me." (male to male - Get the hell out of the way.) * "Excuse Me." (male to female - I am going to grope you now.) * "Excuse Me." (female to male - Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way!) * "Excuse Me." (female to female - Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.) * "What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?) * "Can I have a white Russian?" (male - I'm *really* gay.) * "Can I have a white Russian?" (female - I'm *really* easy.) * "That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?) * "Can I just get a glass of water?" (female - I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.) * "I don't have my ID on me." (female - I'm 19.) * "I don't have my ID on me." (male - I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 1.4 after my last visit here)

5 STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... --Brian O'Rourke Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza. --Dave Barry Candy is dandy but, liquor is quicker. --Ogden Nash He was a wise man who invented beer. --Plato Work is the curse of the drinking class. --Oscar Wilde Beer is proof that G-d loves us and wants us to be happy. --Benjamin Franklin If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. --Kaiser Wilhelm Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan They who drink beer will think beer. --Washington Irving All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. --W.C. Fields