just lil ole me lol's blog: "BDSM INFO"

Collars and Traditions Everything you wanted to know about collars and then some. Includes: A special concern about the dilution old traditions. by jade -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Collars, collars everywhere... but what are they and why do we use them? Recently we had a firestorm of activity on our bulletin board concerning collars. It's a subject often asked about and one that seems to generate many different responses from the community. I'm not going to claim to have all the answers on this topic or try to write a document to use as a standard for the D/s, BDSM lifestyle. However, I will try to share what we've learned in our own experiences during our journey into the realm of dominance and submission. A collar is extremely significant in our lifestyle, no matter in what group you find yourself. It not only identifies the person wearing it as a member of the lifestyle, it indicates they are submissive and belong to someone. From this point we start to find a lot of gray areas in today's use of the collar. I'll try to expand on some types, common factors and the major differences as this moves along. The Collar of Ownership The most common type of collar is the collar of ownership. It signifies a relationship has formed between the submissive and dominant and the exclusive rights to the submissive belong to the owner of the collar she/he is wearing. The symbolism of a collar is steeped in tradition and is the outward symbol of the commitment made by the dominant and submissive. It marks her/him as the property of another, much the same way a wedding ring does for our vanilla counterparts. The collar ALWAYS remains the property of the dominant and if the relationship fails, the collar is returned to the owner1. Accepting or giving a collar is not something to be taken lightly in this lifestyle. It denotes a deep commitment between the submissive and dominant, and from the moment the collar is locked in place, the dominant is viewed as the submissive's master or mistress. The style of this type of collar is as individual as the people who use it. Often it is leather with metal adornment and usually locks in place, making it impossible for anyone but the submissive's owner to remove it2,3. It commonly has at least one ring to allow a leash to be attached when needed. Some couples prefer not to use the standard style and opt for something a bit more fashionable. One of the options is a silver or gold ring that forms a solid circle once it is joined by a skilled metal smith or jeweler. The only way it can be removed is to cut the metal. (Note that caution must be used if choosing this style. Allow for weight gain or swelling and keep a careful watch it does not become tight. It should move freely and have enough space to easily fit the fingers of one hand between the collar and the throat. It's also important to keep a tool that can cut the collar quickly if needed.) Most couples have more than one collar in their wardrobe of lifestyle trappings. It is often not possible for the submissive to wear his/her collar in public so an alternative is needed. It can be a piece of jewelry, such as a necklace or anklet, or it may take the form of one of the decorative collars we see so frequently in fashion trends. What it looks like is unimportant as long as it has symbolic significance to the couple involved. Training Collar Novice submissives often wear a plain leather collar, with one or more rings, during their training period. This collar does not indicate ownership or any special bond between the submissive and the trainer4. It isn't worn outside the "classroom," so to speak. The purpose of this collar is to allow the submissive to feel some of the control that she/he will surrender and to experience a taste of the emotions evoked when a power exchange takes place. Many of the typical disciplines and activities of the lifestyle involve using a collar for sending signals to the submissive when he/she is doing something incorrectly or to gain their attention. A slight jerk on a leash attached to a collar helps center the submissive or signals them of the dominant's expectations, much the way a collar is used to train a dog in obedience skills. In short, this kind of collar is a working tool and nothing more. Training collars are typically unattractive and rather sturdy. They're going to be used to train, not be a fashion statement. Sometimes the training collar is kept by the submissive and later used for typical lifestyle activities when she/he is in a relationship with a dominant. Special Collars Many D/s couples have a variety of collars suited for special situations. If the couple enjoys the "puppy girl/boy" scene, they may own a common dog collar and leash for those times the submissive is in role as a human puppy for her Master's pleasure. Another type of collar might be a heavy duty bondage collar used when the dominant wants to demonstrate his/her total control by using the collar as a connecting point for locking cuffs, restraints, chains or any number of useful toys, to the submissive's collar. Wide, restricting collars with posture bar attachments are used to correct a submissive's posture and poise as well as providing their own unique control that can be enjoyed by the dominant and submissive. Check one of the online catalogs for a view of these types of collars. As you can see there are almost limitless uses for variety of collars you can find if you do some shopping. Other Collars and Different Views A couple of new issues have sprung up as a result of the ongoing threads about collars and what is and what is not valid as far as collars go. The primary debate stems from the use of a collar known now as the "collar of consideration." Let me say first that there are many different styles and views in this lifestyle today. However, in our intermingling with other groups and in our own circles, there is no mention of a "collar of consideration" anywhere. The only reference we've seen comes from one article written by Mistress Steel. (We thank her for sharing it with us by publishing it.) Now, does this mean there is no basis in truth or fact for the collar of consideration? No, it doesn't. I'm sure there are literally thousands of different ideas practiced, and it is well within the realm of believability that this collar existed in the past and still exists today in certain groups. I can cite an example of this in something we've added to the Library, "The Ceremony of the Roses." This beautiful ritual was part of the training in which I have roots, but isn't universally used. Each group has their own special traditions and ceremonies that have their own unique origin. Ultimately each one of us has to decide what we want to incorporate into our own relationships and lifestyle. I'm safe in saying that very few people reading this will ever be associated with one of the old groups anyway. Most are going to be living their lifestyle on an individual and personal basis. If the idea of a "collar of consideration" appeals to you, then you should embrace it as part of your own special way to express your dominance and submission. I personally enjoyed reading about the idea and thought it seemed to be a beautiful idea that could serve some couples quite nicely. Where or when it began should not hinder your use of it in your own relationship. Cyber collars are another phenomena that we've seen become an accepted standard to the online D/s community. Their validity is only as meaningful as the people involved so we see some pretty wide variations in the behavior and expectations of those using them. To some, they are as significant as one made of leather and steel and lovingly placed around the neck of the devoted submissive by a responsible dominant. To others, they're as disposable as toilet paper and mean little but a means of getting attention and some sure-score cybersex. Again, it's up to you to use it or abuse it. What's Right For Me? You should ask yourself these questions about any idea or practice you are considering: Will it benefit me, my partner and our relationship? Does it feel "right" to us? Do we want/need this as part of our own traditions and beliefs? Does it make us happy and enrich our lives together as a D/s couple? Does it adhere to the Safe, Sane and Consensual credo? If you can answer yes to those questions, and it harms no one else in doing so, then by all means include it as part of your unique style. You do not need to justify your choices to anyone else nor do you need to prove it is part of some ancient tradition for it to have meaning. Do it because YOU enjoy it. The heck with what anyone else thinks. Some additional information on collars found in "The Collaring Ceremony" in our Library. A Special Concern We live in a rapidly expanding world and the ability to easily share information via the Internet and other media has opened new doors to things that were unavailable only a few years ago. This has been both a blessing and a curse. The blessing: We have readily available information and free-flowing exchange of ideas. The curse: Many of the old traditions and beliefs have been distorted and diluted because they've been altered and inbred with the "new age" lifestyle. My fear is this; in a few years we may not be able to sort the old traditions from the modernized versions. It won't be the end of the lifestyle but there will certainly be a loss of structure that made the formal lifestyle so appealing to some of us. Historically, groups carefully screened their membership and activities. Things have changed in recent years with the openness of sexual practices that where once hidden from view. An example of this is mentioned in the following quotes from "Different Loving" by Brame, Brame and Jacobs: "Leathermen did not generally welcome public attention. Entering their society was intentionally made difficult. Each newcomer had to prove his worth in a controlled social environment where experienced people guided him through a lengthy training period. Failure to abide by the complex unwritten rules governing dress and demeanor meant at least a lessening of social status and at worst ostracization. This social milieu has since come to be known as the Old Guard, and networking was among its key social regulators."---Brame. "Although Old Guard conventions continue to influence gay and straight leather and the D&S communities, its rigorous etiquette has been considerably diluted. This is largely attributed to a sizable influx of men (and women) who seek sexual acceptance among their peers. The very things that made the Old Guard strong---a highly evolved social structure and a sense of community---attracted new members and , ultimately, contributed to its demise."---Brame. "There is an influx of endless numbers of curious people; there are more people showing up at play parties and the bars than could possibly be assimilated. In my view, for the S/M community to remain somewhat underground and somewhat unaccepted so that people have to approach warily and have to prove themselves as trustworthy individuals, is in fact a very high value for the community."---Joseph Bean Different Loving by Brame, Brame and Jacobs - Villard Books, 1996. Chapter 2, page 31 With so many people claiming to have inside information and disclosing secret traditions rooted more in fiction than truth, I have to wonder how the next decade is going to change the social structure of our lifestyle. To those who see D/s as only a diversion or series of activities to spice up their lives, there won't likely be many changes. But to those of us who cherish the rituals and traditions that once formed the foundation of our chosen way of life, there's going to changes that will lessen the fiber of a once-strong cloak of respectability that surrounded us. It's important for all of us to be honest in our views and shared information. If you found something in a novel about Gor or in the Story of O, please don't create a story about how it began and add more confusion to those who will follow you. Gor and Roissy are based in fantasy, but there are things in those books that can be incorporated into your own relationship and add immensely to your personal pleasures. That's the beauty of this lifestyle. We get to try it all and keep only what we like. We can all share ideas and grow as a community and still not dissipate the purity of the old traditions if we don't try to blend them into one big D/s Space Odyssey Tale. Take credit for the novelty of your own ideas. I've seen some wonderful ones that have sprung up on mIRC channels and the respectable ones weren't afraid to say they created their own repertoire of standards and new traditions rather than pushing them off as the old ways. Copyright© 1998 by jade All rights are reserved by the author.

Some Thoughts About Submission by jade What is submission? Submission is a word that we hear tossed around pretty often lately but I often wonder if most people really understand what it means. Being a "submissive" has become very popular in the D/s, BDSM fad that is sweeping the chat rooms and websites. There's even a fashion and cultural trend based on some of the facets of the BDSM lifestyle. You can find collars and leather fetish items being worn by the rich and famous or you can have dinner in one of New York's newest, trendy restaurants that features all the trappings of the lifestyle dungeon, complete with submissive waiters and waitresses. All of these things are interesting and amusing but they are not a true picture of what it's all about. Submission isn't a fad or a role playing game that we see so often online and at clubs, and you aren't a submissive because you like to be tied up and have kinky sex once in awhile. So what is it? Submission is the act of surrendering some or all of ones personal power to another person. It's allowing someone else to control your body and behavior within certain preset limits. This must be a willing act on the part of the submissive or the boundaries of abuse have been crossed. The methods and levels of submission are infinite. Each person must decide how much and how far this exchange of power will go but the rules of "safe, sane and consensual" must always apply. Why does anyone do this? If you asked a hundred people you'd probably get a hundred different answers. For some it's a way to add a little more excitement to their love life. For others there may be deep, psychological reasons that go beyond my ability to understand. Based on my experience I believe there are three distinct types individuals who fall into the definition of submissive. Please understand that these are my OWN definitions and not some standard issued by the D/s community. The sexual submissive. Also known as a bottom or sensual sub. This type of submissive is into it mainly for the sexual gratification derived from some of the activities practiced in BDSM. Once their needs are met they no longer feel a need to submit or surrender any other personal power or control. The psychological submissive. This group contains many of the masochistic submissives. They are into it for the pain, punishment and humiliation often inflicted on them by more sadistic dominants. Many abused individuals often end up in this category and are not actually submissives but may have emotional problems that keep them in the "victim" mode because of their previous experiences. The natural submissive. Also called true submissive. This type of individual seems to have been born submissive. It goes beyond the sexual aspects of the BDSM and is a normal part of their makeup. It is their nature to please others and readily relinquish their personal power with little or no urging from their dominant. Which one is right? All of them or none of them, depending on your views. Each person must do what is right and fulfilling for them. There have been countless, needless argument over who is and who is not a "real" submissive. Some start out as a sensual sub with little interest in pleasing anyone but themselves and end up growing into some of the most beautiful submissives in our lifestyle. It's not the right of anyone to judge who is and isn't submissive based on what activities satisfy them or how many scars or piercings they may have. Submission is a condition of the heart and only the individual knows what is in theirs. My soul yearns to be able to let somebody else take control, to be able to not have to make decisions, to not be concerned about what errors I'm going to make. - Slave V. Different Loving - by Brame, Brame and Jacobs - Villard Books Chapter 4, page 72. My Own Awakening I recall so well those unnamed feelings I had from the time I could remember. There was always something different about the way I reacted to authority and the natural instincts I had when it came to the desire to please people. I didn't understand it but I sensed there was something about me that set me apart from some of my friends and playmates. As I grew older these feelings never went away even though I tried to pushed them deep inside me because I was afraid of them. I intuitively knew that these feelings made me very vulnerable to anyone who wanted to take advantage of my nature. Although I tried to ignore or hide this nature, it still worked its way into my life in many ways. I was always willing to give more, expect less, try harder and take so little in all the relationships I had with people, especially when it came to those involving my heart. After a few disastrous relationships I was finally forced to take a deep look inside myself to see what made me tick. What I saw were those very things I'd felt so long ago. The day I met another person who understood what I was feeling was a day I'll never forget. This dear, wonderful, submissive lady explained so many things I asked about and I found out that there were others just like me. It wasn't some awful secret I had to keep hidden from the world. What I felt had a name and for the first time I didn't feel like I was some kind of freak of nature. I felt like I'd been let out of a prison and was free to fly for the first time in my life. I was a submissive and it was okay to be who I was. Being submissive may have put chains on my body, but it has removed my soul from bondage. The Loving Dominant - John Warren - Masquerade Books, Inc. Chapter 4, page 62. To me, my submission isn't unnatural, nor is it sick or twisted. It just is. It's normal in most species and I believe that humans are no different. It's important to understand that I see a big difference between being a "submissive" and being a "bottom." A bottom is someone who will, for sexual gratification, become submissive for a given period of time, i.e. for a sexual encounter in the bedroom or during a BDSM scene. They have no other desire to continue a power exchange beyond the confines of a particular scene. Many can easily switch roles in these scenes and become the top or dominant. This is very different from a natural submissive who, by nature, has submissive desires that are not limited to sexual activities. Some Different Terms I'd like to bring up another "touchy" subject to some lifestylers and that is the difference between BDSM and D/s. BDSM has been defined as B-D-S-M with the "B-D" being bondage/discipline, the "D-S" meaning dominance/submission and the "S-M" for sadism/masochism. Some consider all these terms to be interchangeable definitions and activities but I think it's very misleading to most novices. D/s does not fit in with the other terms for one major reason. Domination/submission is a description of a lifestyle. BD and SM are two things people do. Some D/s couples readily accept these two activities as part of their relationship but a large percent of D/s couples do not embrace activities that are based on giving or receiving pain. So what separates the masochist from the submissive? My answer would have to be motivation. A submissive is motivated by the desire to please and to serve. When pain becomes necessary for satisfaction or fulfillment, the relationship has moved beyond my definition of the D/s lifestyle and had moved more toward S/M. When pain becomes the motivation and gratification comes from receiving pain, the person could best be described as a masochist. This difference is often evident in the behavior of these two types of personalities. A SAMmy (Smart Ass Masochist) deliberately misbehaves or challenges their dominant in order to receive the punishment (pain or humiliation) they crave. Outside the confines of a scene or other sexual encounter there may be very little submission evidenced in the relationship. A submissive (one who desires to submit) is constantly striving to improve their behavior in order to please their dominant by surrendering to his/her rules and expectations. Submission, in the confines of a D/s relationship, is not measured by the amount of pain one can endure, instead it is measured by the amount of control one has relinquished to their dominant. Is one better than the other? No, not to anyone but the people in the relationship. Just keep in mind that pain or bondage are not the basis for determining a dominant/submissive relationship. It's based on a power exchange and not the trappings of the people involved. Don't automatically assume all submissives want or need to feel discomfort or pain (beyond erotic pain) to experience submissive tendencies and desire to relinquish control. Here are just a few facts about submission that might give you some more insight. Submission occurs in both males and females in about equal proportions. Although men and women may express it differently, they share this trait. 1,2 Submission is not a sign of weakness or inferiority. Some of the strongest, most successful people in our society are submissive in their personal relationships. 3 Submission does not indicate lack of intelligence or motivation. Most submissives are very intelligent, creative and are highly motivated people. 3 Submission is not a hidden desire for pain or humiliation. Some masochistic people may turn to the D/s or BDSM lifestyle in order to fulfill their needs for these things but there are many more gentle, loving individuals who are quite happy not to receive either humiliation or pain. 5 Submission is not the same as passivity. Submissives are not passive. They participate actively and are thinking individuals. 3,5 Submission is not something that can be demanded or forced. The definition of the word means it is a willing act. A submissive submits because they have chosen to do so, not because someone forced them. 5 Submission is not a miserable state of existence. Most submissives are happy, well balanced people who are simply fulfilling their nature. 5 Submission is not slavery. All slaves are submissive but not all submissives are slaves. A submissive has not given up their right to choose but has given some of those choices to another to make for them. They have input into their relationship and maintain their identity. 5 Submission does not indicate sexual promiscuity. Submissives are not sex crazed nymphomaniacs who cannot control their drives. Most are husbands or wives, mothers or fathers, friends, neighbors, workers, or family members who have a need to relinquish control of some aspects of their lives to someone they trust. It isn't a sex thing...it's a condition of the heart. 4 Submissive (sub) A person who surrenders control of herself to her dominant. The submissive, while putty in the hands of a dominant whom she trusts and respects, is likely to be independent and assertive in any other arena. Her sexual submissive nature makes her no more vulnerable to people hawking aluminum siding, encyclopedias or life insurance than anyone else. Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns - Miller and Devon - Mystic Rose Books Chapter 1, page 11. Reality or Fantasy? Far too many people have formed their ideas about submission and submissives from such books as "Story of O" by Pauline Réage, "The Beauty Trilogy" by Ann Rice, or the Gorean novels by John Norman. While these books may be interesting works and very erotic to many, they are not a true picture of what the D/s lifestyle is about. While many may have experienced the first stirrings of submissive feeling while reading these books, fantasies such as "O" or "Beauty" don't work well as a lifestyle. D/s is far more than a fantasy. It's a way of life where many find fulfillment and peace for the first time in their lives. If you have these feelings and have often felt alone or overwhelmed by them I hope it gives you a bit of comfort to know you're in good company. There are others just like you who are healthy, happy and functional individuals that are quite content to be called "submissive." Come and explore the information you will find on this site and learn what it is that makes you tick. You just might find you've found yourself somewhere along the way. Copyright©1997 Castle Realm All rights reserved by the author.

What Do I Need From My Dominant? The Care and Feeding of a submissive. by jade This page was originally started to be a guideline for submissives but in retrospect I think it may better serve the Dominants who may happen to land here. Perhaps it may provide some insight to both sides of the equation. I Want vs. I Need We often confuse these two things: I want and I need. Although they may seem to be the same at first glance, there is a huge difference in the two. We want a lot of things in life; money, new cars, a beautiful home, success, and hot fudge sundaes, just to name a few, but how many of them do we really need? Very often the things we want are not always things that are the best for us and are usually self-indulgent wishes that change as fast as the top ten hits on VH1. "Needs" are a different situation. They are the fundamentals we require to remain mentally and physically healthy and allow us to grow spiritually and emotionally. I may really want a hot fudge sundae but survive quite well without it (I know that's hard to believe for any of you who know me.) but I cannot thrive without my basic needs being met. We've had many encounters with unhappy submissives who bemoan the fact their Dominant does not give them what they need. As we listen to the list of complaints we sometimes find a lot of "wants" mixed in with a few valid "needs" in the charges against their Dominant. Sorting them out isn't always easy for either the submissive or Dominant in a relationship. Each person is unique and comes with their own special requirements. Without a doubt, this is one area that requires communication skills and time before either party can confidently determine what they want or need from the other. The Submissive Owner's Manual may help you to understand some of the complexities of the Dominant/submissive relationship. Submissive Owner's Manual I need to feel safe. Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I've given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care. I need to know You accept me for all I am. I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society. I need to have clearly defined limits. I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval. I need You to be consistent. I need to know You mean what You say and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You've given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You've chosen for me. It's not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it's not done consciously and I promise I'll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses. I need to expand my limits. I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I'll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I've been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I'm unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them. I need You to teach me. I need to learn and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share. I need goals. Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction I quickly become lost so I'll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive. I need to be corrected. I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I've made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You've set for me. I need You to be my role-model. I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviors on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as face Your own challenges and daily activities. I need Your approval and reassurance. I need to know when You approve of me or what I've done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I'm unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I'm confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge. I need to be able to express myself. I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren't something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I'm upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours. I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I've done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I've faced my failure but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears. I need forgiveness when I fail You. Nothing hurts me more than to know I've failed or displeased You and I need to be forgiven once I've made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You. I need to feel I contribute. I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer. I need to enjoy successes. Without experiencing and enjoying my successes I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savoring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don't expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I've reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don't deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set. I need to share with You. Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings but those are the things I need to share the most. I'll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I'll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust. I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership. No matter how well I've done or how miserably I've failed, I need to know I'm still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can't survive without it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright©1998 Castle Realm All rights reserved by the author.

by Tamar Kay Copyright©1995 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You will often hear it said that the first and most important rule in B&D-S/M is that all things we do with each other must be safe, sane, and consensual. What does this mean? Ask any set of experienced players and you'll get a different set of answers. Here's mine. Safe "Safe" means that we take care of each other as best we can, that no matter how we want our scenes, however gentle or rough, we do them in ways that do not injure our partners. "Safe" means that we take the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases seriously and use our best efforts to minimize those dangers. What can you do? Educate yourself. Learn as much as you can so that you can do safe scenes. That means read books, take classes, and ask others about specific techniques that interest you. Want to learn to use a cane? Ask an expert. Want to swing a flogger? Practice first on a pillow. Whether you're driving a car or tying somebody up, safety should always come first. It's especially important to not let your desire rule your good sense, so think about the specifics of your scenes outside of the scene. "Don't think with your groin." Sane Power exchange is about trust -- trust that the person who has the power in a scene will use it responsibly. If you are the Top then it is up to you to use the power your Bottom has granted you in a respectful and sane way. Your Bottom has given you a gift of trust, and you are honor-bound to repay it with good judgment. If as the Top you are so involved in your scene that you can't make good judgments, then you are not in control of yourself, and you have no business being in control of someone else. Sanity is about control, and self-control comes first. Consensual Everything that happens in a scene between people must be acceptable to all concerned. If you aren't sure that your partner has consented -- has said 'yes' -- then you need to talk until you are sure. The best way to get to 'yes' is to make sure that 'no' is an equally acceptable answer. This holds true in every situation, whether asking someone for a phone number or negotiating a scene. The less pressure you apply, the more likely that a 'yes' will come and will be a sincere answer. It's dangerous to play with someone who has said 'yes' for the wrong reasons. You can quickly end up in a situation that is neither safe, sane, nor consensual. To protect against this, refrain from pressuring anyone, and if you feel you are being pressured, set limits and stand by them. You should always feel free to say 'no.' Consensual means that you are sceneing because you want to, with someone who wants to, that everyone involved is willing to go ahead with the scene. If you are in the least bit unsure, stop and talk. The time to clarify consent is before a scene, not after. Unsafe Players There are no entrance exams to pass to get into the community and personal judgments vary. Anyone who has been around for more than a little while has likely heard about someone who is reputed to be unsafe, emotionally unstable, or who doesn't respect limits. You should take these warnings seriously, but remember that such judgments are necessarily subjective. Get second and third opinions if you can. And if you find yourself in the position of wanting to warn others about a player you feel is unsafe, be as objective as you can, and give facts whenever possible. Let's take care of each other.

Am I Submissive? I Don't Like Pain and Punishment by Lord Colm & jade -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Confusing Terms One of the most common things a new submissive has questions about is the "pain and punishment" category. Most of this confusion stems from the combining of the various groups found in the lifestyle into one large group called BDSM. Within the term BDSM we have at least three major factions, all with different needs and motivations. Perhaps breaking it down into BD, D/s and SM will make things a bit clearer. · BD - Bondage and Discipline - There's not much of a mystery here. The Deviant's Dictionary defines it as: Sometimes B/D, B&D. Bondage and Discipline. Sometimes used interchangeably with SM but more strictly referring to practices involving bondage and role-playing or humiliation but little or no pain. Sometimes thought to stand for Bondage and Domination, but see also DS. See also BDSM. BD does not require its participants to be dominant or submissive by nature, but only that they assume that role for the duration of the activity. Many people who enjoy bondage have little or no interest in submission in other aspects of their lives. Discipline can involve submissive behavior on a more elevated level and requires a deeper understanding of the power exchange between top and bottom, but again, it can exist without the inclusion of any other area of existence. The people who enjoy BD often have no need or desire to go beyond what it takes for immediate gratification of their physical or mental need during sessions. Motivations: Need for physical bondage and/or physical punishment, or to be the one administering this action. Simple enough. The bottom likes to be tied up and disciplined. The top likes to do the bondage and/or administer corporal punishment. A lot of the appeal is visual and sensual as well as arousing feelings of helplessness or power. There is a power exchange that takes place and meets the requirements of the participants but there is an implication that the power exchange is forced. The bottom may feel very submissive when bound or during punishment but have no need to submit once this activity has ended. Basically, this is a scene-dependent activity and not a lifestyle. · D/S - Dominant and Submissive or Domination and Submission - A combination of terms that describe the participants or activities that are found in a power exchange. A dominant is the person in charge: the "top," the recipient of the power surrendered by another person. A submissive is the person who surrenders: the "bottom," the one being controlled in a power exchange. Slakker describes this in these words: A D/s relationship can be described as a relationship in which the exchange of power is a major dynamic. Unlike abusive relationships, however, D/s relationships are negotiated arrangements which meet the psychological, sexual, and social needs of all participants. The nature of each D/s relationship is unique, because the manner in which the power relationship is understood and practiced is a very personal matter. This can make such a relationship more difficult to understand, but it also allows those persons involved in a D/s relationship the flexibility to design a relationship that is tailored to fit their specific needs and desires. D/S is not dependent on pain, implements or physical activities, although those things sometimes are incorporated into the individual relationships. Dominant and submissive characteristics are natural in some individuals and follow the guidelines of many other species in the animal kingdom, wolves and primates being examples. The power exchange takes place on an intellectual or psychological level, with the submissive deferring to the dominant in the decision making process. How far this goes is dependent on the individuals' level of trust and need. Motivations: The motivation in the relationship is totally based on a power exchange between the dominant one and the submissive one. It can exist without pain, scenes or specified activities. The willing surrender of personal power by the submissive is the key here. There is no need to force it or offer sexual gratification in order to stimulate those feelings of submission. The dominant is motivated by the desire to control and accept the surrender of power from the submissive. The submissive is motivated by a desire to please and surrender to the dominant. This relationship is based on a psychological interaction far more than a physical one. It is not dependent on physical activities or scenes and is best defined as a lifestyle rather than something you do. · SM - Sadomasochism or Sadist and Masochist - Another complex issue that involves a power exchange between people who are tops and bottoms or dominants and submissives. The characteristic that defines them is their need to inflict or receive pain. While other groups may use erotic pain as part of their interpersonal relations, the true S and M-ers go beyond using it as an enhancement and it becomes the basis for foreplay and sexual gratification. Sadomasochism is a highly physical exchange of power and it could be considered abusive by some if it were not for the consensuality of the activities. Sadists and masochists are not necessarily submissive or dominant. Often they hold equal power within a relationship but are dependent on pain-- receiving or inflicting-- for stimulation or satisfaction. Only during a session might one assume a position of power while the other submits to his or her partner's lead. Once gratification has been achieved, they will likely resume their roles as equal partners and share in decision making. On the other hand, some of the most severe and demanding relationships are those between sadist and masochist. Piercings, brandings, extreme humiliation and frequent corporal punishment are part and parcel to this group. The lifestyles depicted in fiction works such as The Story of O or the Beauty series more closely resemble these types of SM relationships. Masochists frequently wear their marks as a testament to their status. While it can be a very intense existence, for the right couple it offers its own rewards. Motivations: The motivating factor here is pain that leads to sexual arousal and gratification. Whether it is on the giving or receiving end, pain and sexual gratification are the center of this complex relationship. There are SM partnerships that do not go beyond fulfilling this requirement and are quite satisfied with the arrangement. Once the need to give or receive pain has ended, the power exchange ends and they find little or no need for the more defined roles as top and bottom or dominant and submissive. Again, this tends to be scene-dependent or activity-dependent and not so much a lifestyle. A Clouded Issue The inclusion of SM into the realm of BDSM has clouded many issues in the community as a whole. One of our basic codes of ethics is the Safe, Sane and Consensual Creed and yet by its very definition, sadism is not necessarily consensual. John Warren, author of The Loving Dominant, offers this standard for the meaning of sadism: An individual who enjoys causing pain in a non-consensual manner, or regardless of the presence or absence of consent. Like many other things in our lifestyle, we have allowed the glorification of the written word and literary offerings to become ingrained as "fact" in a lifestyle that did not originally begin in this fashion. An example of this is the way some have accepted fictional works such as The Story of O and the Sleeping Beauty trilogy as reality and tried to base their relationships on the activities found in these books. In the work of the late 19th century psychologist Richard von Krafft-Ebing, who defined "sexual anomalies" in his Psychopathia Sexualis of 1885, we find sadism defined as: "the experience of sexual pleasurable sensations (including orgasm) produced by acts of cruelty, bodily punishment inflicted on one's own person or when witnessed by others, be they animals or human beings...It may also consist of an innate desire to humiliate, hurt, wound or even destroy others in order thereby to create sexual pleasure in oneself." I have no doubt that the majority of SM-ers are far from what the truest definition of their title indicates. In order for SM to become acceptable or to include it as an activity within a power exchange relationship or encounter, there had to be a restructuring of the terms that defined it. This restructuring demanded that any pain administered must be consensual and not damaging to the mind, body or emotions of the recipient. If you like pain, on either end of the spectrum, there is no reason that you should not feel free to pursue a lifestyle that uses it to fulfill your needs as long as it falls in the boundaries of the SS&C creed and does not land you in the local jail, a hospital or psychiatric clinic. Does it Have to Hurt? The answer is a resounding NO. Can I be a submissive if I don't like pain and physical punishment? YES, without a question. Submission can have little or nothing to do with a need for pain or receiving it. Punishment does not have to be physical or administered harshly or without reason. All of the activities found within the realm of the D/s lifestyle are dependent on the needs and negotiations of the people involved. If as a submissive you do not need or want pain to be a part of your relationship, then it is imperative that you form a relationship with someone who shares the same ideals. If you become the submissive of a dominant who has sadistic needs, then you are in for some painful realities. Either you will adapt and become masochistic or you will live a miserable life. The same is true in reverse. If you are a masochist and become the submissive of a dominant who abhors pain and punishment, you will never find happiness and fulfillment of your needs with that dominant. Knowing the needs and motivations of a potential partner is crucial. This is reason enough for taking your time before jumping onto or into the rack or buckling on a collar. Make sure you have clearly communicated your motivations and needs as well. Sitting there giggling when a dominant tells you about her or his need for scenes that involve punishment or pain does not give a clear message that you do not want to have this kind of thing as a regular part of your relationship. Yes, I know this may cause you to lose that dreamboat dom who has an interest in you, but Mr. Dreamboat's plans are going to leave you hurting more than will his goodbye. You need to find a partner who shares your interests and can be satisfied to live within the limits you have set. Some Help from Lord Colm While there is a lot to be said for having a sense of community amongst those of us in the kinky lifestyle, one of the side-effects of lumping everyone together has been an assumption that all who claim to be into the BDSM scene share the same interests. It frequently confuses novices terribly and has scared off more than a few. When the SM-ers use the same terms to describe themselves as do the D/s-ers, people may assume that D/s also must involve intense physical pain. This is far from the truth. It also sets up these silly comparisons--the "My dom's better 'n your dom, cause he's so cruel" and the "You must not be a sub if you're not a painslut" discussions we see so often. The truth of the matter is that, while some aspects of the various groups do overlap, the differences are substantial enough to warrant a clear understanding of each other. A sub who desires gentle surrender of power to a dominant without any need for intense pain isn't any less or more a submissive than is the masochist who is pierced, tattooed, scarred, and can tolerate the most severe beating. A dominant has the right to understand your limits and accept or refuse a relationship based on them. A dominant with a need to administer harsh punishment does not want to hear your safe word every time such activity begins. Dominants have needs and expectations that are just as real as yours. Don't be deceptive. If you don't like something that is a primary motivator for a potential dominant, then he or she needs to know this before other emotions come into play and a relationship is established based on a mistaken belief that you share the same interests. Remember, after you have willingly surrendered yourself to a dominant, the dominant is the one in control. You will be expected to submit to that control and follow her or his lead. You are the one responsible for making sure that you have found a compatible partner before you offer your gift of submission to that person. You do not have to expect pain or physical punishment to be a part of all D/s relationships. You do have to expect it in one based on BD or SM. Make sure you understand the differences in the groups and terms. This is essential in finding the right partner and it is totally on your shoulders to make sure you hitch the right horse to your wagon. Using the Some Tools We cannot stress often enough the need for communication in this lifestyle. While it may be difficult for some submissives to approach his or her dominant and bring up questions about deep thoughts and desires, it must be done before getting into a committed relationship. There are a few tools that can make it easier for you to settle a few issues without too much embarrassment or stress. One of these tools is the BDSM Activity Checklist. On that page you will find many activities common to the various groups. It can be a wonderful way to get your limits out into the open and down on paper. Here is list of pages that can be used to increase your understanding and negotiating skills as well as show some of the differences between scening and living a lifestyle:

Getting Started Are you just beginning to explore the world of submission? If so, then this is the place to get your travel map to begin your voyage into a new universe. We don't recommend new travelers to blast off at warp speed until they've learned to navigate a little in the D/s realm. There are many new and exciting things to learn along this trip and it should be enjoyed at your leisure. Taking your time might prevent you from becoming "lost in space" or ship-wrecked before you even get started. Fasten your seat belt and enjoy the view. A Brave New World by jade Being a new submissive isn't for the faint of heart. It requires you to be quick on your feet, intelligent and willing to do some work to learn who you are and what this lifestyle is all about. Only the very foolish rush in blind and hope to keep from making some major mistakes. There are a lot of very unscrupulous people who are just waiting their chance to take advantage of the inexperienced, novice submissive. You'll find them everywhere; online, in the D/s clubs and browsing the bulletin boards. They know how vulnerable new submissives are and are quite capable of taking you beyond your limits before you know what hit you, literally. You need to know your rights, limits, safety issues, and a little information to help you fit into this new world. Learn how to protect yourself from injury, illness and abuse before you become involved in any serious D/s relationships or activities. This lifestyle isn't dangerous or threatening. Only the people who misuse it are. We have a creed in this lifestyle known as the "Safe, Sane and Consensual Creed" and it should be one of your guidelines as you explore this new realm. Safe, sane and consensual - Characterizes the acceptable play within the SM community: players adhere to safety precautions within their activities, do not participate in practices that will injure their partners (mentally or physically), and obtain consent by negotiating scenes and scene related activities before carrying them out. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns - Miller and Devon - Mystic Rose Books Glossary, pages 235-236. What does this creed mean? It simply means that you have every right to remain safe from harm, physically and emotionally. The emotional part is sometimes much harder to protect. New submissives often wear their hearts on their sleeves. What seemed like only "playing" to a dominant can often be interpreted as much more to a submissive who has surrendered her heart as well as her body. I see this as one of the hazards of "scening parties." You may enjoy the thrill of experiencing some of these new activities with the local party dom/me and leave with all you body parts in tact, but what price will it extract from your heart and emotional state? It works for some but many others form bonds all to quickly and feel abandoned when their scene partner moves on to the next starry-eyed novice. Anything that happens to you must be consensual. This means you do not have to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. Don't fall for these old lines; "You have to do what I say because you're submissive" or "If you were really submissive you'd want to please me." They're not true and I'd question any dominant who used any line that resembled them. Your submission is a gift and gifts are given, not taken or demanded. Make sure you know exactly what's expected of you in any situation. Don't be afraid to ask questions and consider the answers carefully. You have the right to discuss all activities you participate in with your potential partner. This is called "scene negotiation" and it's done by even the most experienced submissives before engaging in anything from a simple spanking or bondage scene to a highly erotic scene involving sexual activity. If you're unsure of what you've been asked to do, don't do it. Do I approve of play-party scening and casual encounters? Personally they are not for me but if it you can handle it and the "safe, sane and consensual" aspects are met, then do it. For some novices it's their only way to experiment with some things done in the lifestyle. Some of the well known groups such as PEP and the NLA have parties where novices can observe or participate in relative safety. Get to know a few of the members, preferably other submissives, before you jump in with both feet. And remember, it's only playtime so keep your little heart safely locked away. Arm Yourself with Knowledge We've all heard the horror stories of the things that can happen to those who are not armed with their phasers set on stun. Always remember, your best weapon is knowledge. You can never be too smart when it comes to knowing your rights and how to protect yourself. Before you take off on this voyage there are some things you should read to become acquainted with the inhabitants of the D/s world and their customs, as well as the dangers that you might face. There are links for you to follow to articles that will provide you with some of the basic things but you will need to consider purchasing or borrowing a few books on the subject as well. Don't be afraid to ask questions of those you meet while exploring. If the answers don't feel right to you, they probably aren't. Develop a good instinct about people and learn to trust those feelings that stir inside your own heart. Trust isn't something that you hand to the first dominant you encounter. It takes time to learn about someone and what their values are. If you don't feel safe in trusting this person with your credit card you shouldn't even consider trusting them with your life. (Be careful with that credit card too. There are scam-artists out there just waiting to fleece an innocent sheep that happens to wander by.) ...don't be surprised if a submissive---particularly a female submissive---is forthright in demanding more information about you. After all, the submissive is the one who must feel secure in giving up freedom. There may be a few maniacal ax-wielding submissive around, but I haven't heard of any of them. The Ted Bundys of the world have made submissives understandably nervous. The Loving Dominant - John Warren - Masquerade Books, Inc. Chapter 6, page 77. Take your time! There's no rush. There's no trophy waiting for the first submissive who crosses the finish line on this journey into self. What's waiting will most likely be a broken heart or worse if you speed along with no regard to your own needs as a human being. There are far worse things than being alone for awhile. Being in the wrong relationship is certainly one of those things. Set your goals and standards high. You're searching for the missing part of your own identity. Find it first before taking that next step of finding the One, that soulmate, the perfect part of the puzzle you're putting together. Once you're just a little smarter than the average new subbie, you will find this exploration of your submissive side one of the most exciting adventures you've ever undertaken. It can be fulfilling and safe if you take your time and learn about YOU as you travel to places you've never gone before. Best of luck, jade copyright©1997 Castle Realm All rights reserved by the author.

10 COMMANDMENTS FOR NEWBIES Written by LadyMary03: I. THOU SHALT BE RELENTLESS IN YOUR SEARCH OF KNOWLEDGE ...for there are many who are willing and eager to guide and assist you in your search II. THOU SHALT NOT BE HAUGHTY OF MIND ...for we all are still learning and growing. There is no shame in not knowing a right word or how to do something. Always keep an open and humble mind when it comes to learning. III. THOU SHALT BE STEADFAST AND BOLD OF HEART ...for there are those who will try to humiliate you and belittle you for their egos sake. (example: "for a newbie-you sure have opinions" "newbies should be seen and not heard" "this isn't a beginners forum") IV. THOU SHALT BE RESPECTFUL OF OTHERS ...for we should all respect each other as humans and as part of the same community. Even if opinions clash it is possible to disagree without being disagreeable keeping a sense of respect for one another. V. THOU SHALT SEEK OUT THOSE OF LIKE KIND ...for there are chat rooms, munches, socials and parties readily available to give you an opportunity to make acquaintances. You are not alone. VI. THOU SHALT NOT FEEL PRESSURED TO PERFORM FOR OTHERS SAKE ...for there are those who will mock where you are comfortable with. Perhaps you are only comfortable giving/taking mild spankings whereas an edge playing sadist/masochist may snub you feeling superior. They are not. The only right way to be is the right way for you! VII. THOU SHALT NOT JUDGE LEST YE BE JUDGED ...for each relationship is special and unique between the people directly involved. As an observer you may not understand it but you don't have to as long as the people involved are in concensual agreement. VIII. THOU SHALT BE KIND ONE TO ANOTHER ...for we are all part of the same community. Insults and Flaming weaken the whole. We are fortunate because we have 4 cheeks to turn thus we should be even more forgiving of each others faults. IX. THOU SHALT BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS ...for with the availability of knowledge and the forums for opinions there is little reason to act in ignorance which may lead to unfortunate experiences. This means proper understanding of safe, sane and concensual play including negotiation and safewords and communicating your wants & needs efficiently. Do not assume others can read your every thought. X. THOU SHALT BE TRUE TO YOURSELF ...for you are wonderful and unique in your individual way. There is no specific way a Dominant/Submissive must be. We are all distinctive jewels with our own remarkable personalities. There is no mold.

Good evening, and welcome to the part of our show where we skewer some sacred cows! Many people will tell you that using a "safeword" in the context of BDSM is a good idea. In fact, I'm one of them. A safeword is simply some word which you can use as a code word to tell your partner to stop if something you're exploring becomes too intense or crosses a boundary--perhaps even a boundary you didn't know you have. Part of the value in BDSM is that it offers a way for people to test their limits. Because of this, you may find that you react to something in a way you didn't expect; if this happens, you may need a clear and unamiguous way to let your partner know that you need things to stop. This becomes especially important if you are doing something such as resistance play, when words like "no" or "stop" do not actually mean "no" or "stop." In such a case, it's very helpful to have a word that does mean "stop." Having said that... ...I will go on to commit something akin to an act of heresy in some parts of the BDSM community, and say that safewords are neither necessary nor sufficient for safe BDSM play. For some people I have encountered, using a safeword in all BDSM play is something of a religion. I've met many people who'll say that safewords are always necessary, and that anyone who doesn't use a safeword is an idiot, or worse. Hogwash. I do not use a safeword with my primary girlfriend, and we engage in resistance pay, pain play, and other forms of BDSM where safewords are traditionally regarded as sacred. But you just said you recommend safewords! Indeed I do. In fact, I will go even one step farther, and say that there are situations in which not using a safeword is foolish, or worse. For example, if you are engaging in any kind of "edge" play, such as resistance play, with a partner you don't know well, you'd damn well better have a way to get things under control if they start to go wrong. But I don't believe safewords are always necessary, and I don't believe safewords are a guarantee that things won't go wrong. They are a tool, nothing more; and like all tools, there are times when safewords are appropriate, and times when they are not. As a tool, safewords are most appropriate for BDSM play that involves some element of power exchange. They''re a lot less useful in situations where there is no exchange of power or control. For example, safewords aren't really terribly vital if all you're doing is simple sensation play--trying different kinds of sensations to see what you like and what you don't. If you don't like something, you just say "No, I don't like that," and you're fine. in this context, "no" means "no, and it's as simple as that. OK, fine. But you do resistance play without safewords! Dude, that's WHACKED! No, it's not. It's all about context. BDSM is arguably one of the most contextual activities in the range of human experience. Things which are psychologically, physically,a nd emotionally safe and healthy with one partner may be risky, damaging, or destructive with another partner--even when the activities themselves are exactly the same. And a lot rides on how well you know your partner--how well you can read your partner's reactions, how well you can put yourself in your partner's shoes. If you can read your partner very well, you can and sould be aware of your partner's reactions and emotional state at all times--sometimes before your partner is even aware of them! In these cases-- Aha! But what if you're wrong? You can't be perfect all the time! What then? That's true. It would require a superhuman to be perfectly aware of another person's emotional state at all times. As I was saying, in these cases, you should at least be able to tell if something really has gone wrong, and your partner is experiencing something neither of you had counted on. There are ways to communicate "no" without just saying "no"--"really, I mean it" is one. With a pertner you know extremely well, and have a good deal of experience with, that knowledge and that experience, together with good old-fashioned common sense and a bit of attentiveness, can let you know something's wrong at least as quickly as a safeword can. And while we're on the subject of common sense; That, of and by itself, is the greatest single safety factor in any BDSM scenario. A safeword cannot take the place of common sense. Relying on a safeword to keep you safe is foolishness; it will not help you to avoid dangerous situations in the first place, and it will not help protect you from a careless, unskilled, or malicious partner. It sometimes happens that people believe they are safe as long as they have a safeword, and become lax about the other factors in safety, such as the skill, experience, and attitude of their partner. A safeword is just a tool, and it should not be the only one, or even the main one, you use to keep you safe! That's what I mean when i say safewords are neither necessary nor sufficient. They are not necessary at all times, such as when engaging in non-D/s play or when engaging in activities with a partner you know extremely intimately; and they are not sufficient, in that they will not always protect you. Used properly, they are a valuable tool, particularly with partners you may not have a great deal of experience with. But they are tools, not religions; don't over-depend on them, and don't assume that you must always use them at all times.

So what's a switch? What's with this whole switching thing? I am a switch. What that means, in the simplest terms, is that I am neither 100% dominant nor 100% submissive. Rather, I have a dominant side, and a submissive side, and at different times I explore different aspects of dominance and submission. In some parts of the BDSM community, this is greeted with the same derision that might greet someone who says he or she is bisexual in certain corners of the gay and lesbian community--and, I think, for similar erroneous reasons. The term "switch," like the term "bisexual," has a simple, functional definition: You are a switch if you engage at different times in BDSM practices from both a "top" or "dominant" role and from a "bottom" or "submissive" role, just as you are bisexual if you have lovers of both sexes. Of course, a functional definition can't tell the whole truth, and a question of sexual identity may not be as straightforward as all that. Be that as it may, there are people in the BDSM community who will make the preposterous statement that there aren't "really" any switches, just as there are people in the gay and lesbian communities who make the equally preposterous claim that there aren't "really" any bisexuals. Well, it makes sense to me--after all, you can't be both dominant AND submissive! Why not? It's been my experience that there is no contradiction in the idea that you can gain satisfaction from taking both a dominant role and from a submissive role in a relationship, any more than there is a contradiction in the idea you can enjoy both cooking food and eating food. A small but vocal minority of people in the BDSM community maintain--often at great and tiresome length--that anyone who can switch roles is not "really" into BDSM at all, that they're just "playing" at it and don't truly understand dominance or submission, and so forth. Not only does this commit the fallacy of "one true wayism"--the mistaken belief that there is only one correct way to practice BDSM or engage in a D/s relationship--it also ignores the fact that human beings are capable of a very wide range of experiences and responses, and that many people for whom BDSM is more than mere bedroom tittilation do, in fact, have the capacity to experience BDSM from more than one perspective. In fact, it's tempting to argue that a person who can experience a thing from many different perspectives--a person who can, for example, experience what it's like to be both deeply submissive and extremely dominant--probably has a better understanding of that thing than someone who can experience it only from one direction. BDSM is not necessarily just about dominance and submission, either. Many folks are "bottoms," people who prefer to be given pain or other stimulation, but who do not give up psychologocal power or control; or "tops," people who take pleasure from inflicting pain orother sensation on their partners, but who are not interested in psychological control. For me, being a switch encompasses both of these things as well. I am a sadist; that is, I take pleasure from inflicting consensual pain on my partners, provided they take pleasure from it as well. I am also a masochist; that is, I take pleasure from having consensual pain administered to me by a partner. Again, there is no contradiction here, any more than there is a contradiction between, say, taking pleasure from giving a massage and taking pleasure from receiving a massage. Dominance, submission, masochism, and sadism are not bipolar opposites. A person can be both a masochist and a sadist, and can have both dominant and submissive personality traits. And none of these things is necessarily directly related to any other; you can be a sadist but not dominant, or a masochist but not submissive, or dominant but not sadistic, and so on. Yeah, but people who switch don't really understand true D/s. Nonsense. In fact, one can easily argue that by exploring both roles, and being familiar with the headspace and psychological experience of both dominance and submission, a person can get a better grasp of the dynamic of power exchange--better, in fact, than the person who is familiar only with one part of it. Of course, every human being has a unique experience, and the experience of one person never maps directly onto the experience of another. Nevertheless, we all share many psychological traits in common, and while I may not feel exactly what you feel when we are both submissive, my understanding of what it's like to be submissive--what the state of surrendering one's will to another feels like--can certainly help me to identify with you if I am dominating you--which in turn can help me to create an environment where I can put you in the state I want. So how does it work? You just flip-flop on command? I'm sure some people can do this; for me, it's much more complex than that. I can't flip from being dominant to being submissive at the drop of a hat. I personally find that I tend to be highly dominant by nature, and that I derive great satisfaction from dominating my lovers most of the time. However, sometimes a need to be submissive will grow over a period of time, until I find myself deeply craving this submission and wanting to relinquish control to my partners. When this happens, it becomes very easy for me to submit on an extremely deep level, and that this side of my personality is, during these times, at least as strong as my dominant side. It tends not to happen overnight; generally speaking, I would say that I'm about 80% dominant and about 20% submissive. There may be a period of many months during which I am completely dominant, followed by weeks of being entirely submissive. Were I to be entirely dominant all the time or entirely submissive all the time, I would unquestionably feel that something was missing from my life. Nonsense--that just PROVES you aren't REALLY dominant or submissive! And if you like both Cantonese and Thai cooking, it proves you don't REALLY have a taste for foreign cuisine, right? The idea that if you are "really" dominant you can't also be submissive, or vice-versa, rests on the fallacy that these two things are opposed to one another, rather than two facets of the same thing. It also denies the basic and observable fact that human beings--or rather, some human beings--are complex, multi-dimensional creatures capable of a startling array of different emotional and philosophical responses. Of course, I can't speak for everyone here; I've met some people so astonishingly shallow that a walk through the ocean of their souls would barely get your feet wet. But not everyone is like that. There are people who are not shallow but who nevertheless do not have a submissive element or a masochistic element or a dominant element or whatever to their personalities, just as there are people (like me) who are entirely straight, or people who are entirely gay, and do not have an element of bisexuality in their sexual orientation. But often, the people I have seen most vocally decry the idea of switches are not these people; rather, the most vocal of the "one true way" contingent in the BDSM community is made up of the people who are most insecure. For some people, their ego and their sense of self are tied up in their identity as a dominant or a submissive. This is particularly true of many dominants, who may use their dominance to shield a weak sense of self or a fragile ego. Suggesting to such a person that he or she may have elements of both dominance and submission, or even thatother people can be both dominant and submissive, is very threatening. When your ego is protected by your sense that you are dominant and there is a clear, distinct difference between dominants and submissives, the notion of someone who switches is as threatening as the notion of bisexuality is to a person unsure of his sexual orientation. But at the end of the day, the fact still remains that not everyone has an identity or a role which is so cut and dried. Many people (I suspect most people) who practice BDSM are capable of doing so from more than one direction. And that's a feature, not a bug.