Compatibility and chemistry are two terms that are used interchangeably. Far from offering a scientific definition for each, the former entails a psychological bond between two people whereas the latter signals a physical connection. But merely explaining how the two differ is child's play; the challenge lies in how one can broach these delicate topics without alarming the other person. The following 10 things are areas in which couples must be in sync with one another, along with tips on how to address them. As you can imagine, this advice applies to relationships that have gone beyond at least five dates.
10. Travel
To many, a hometown represents a limitation on dreams, culture and reality. For this reason, the escapism of traveling is cherished. Some love to go away alone while others rely on a trusted companion. However, you might be headed for heartbreak hotel when you realize that one of you is attached to your hometown while the other is planning to rack up air miles.
How do you find out?
You can discover where she has traveled to in the past (if she has) by checking out whether her apartment is decorated with pictures of foreign locations or mementos from around the world. She may also have photo albums that she'll want to show you (and acting interested in her pictures will also score you some brownie points). Or, you can even ask her whether her career requires her to travel, to gauge how much she loves or hates it. Only then will you recognize whether you have found a travel companion in your significant other or not.
9. Hobbies and Interests
Couples must find ways to enjoy each other's company as much as doing things independently. But either extreme is dangerous. If you find yourself attached to your girlfriend to the point where you can't even go out with your friends without her, you will likely grow too dependent on her and leave yourself susceptible to loneliness if you break up or if she gets transferred for her job. Conversely, not having anything in common in the extracurricular department might make you grow distant and vulnerable to falling for new people.
How do you find out?
This is the kind of topic you can discuss on initial dates. If your only idea of fun is drinking to the point of inebriation and clubbing until dawn, when the only drink she swears by is Perrier and the only club she goes to is the country club, then at some point, you will need to find some common ground in order to enjoy your time together and look forward to seeing each other. Do not ask her for a list of her interests and hobbies; asking her what she spent her weekend doing or what she did the other night, can help you determine what makes her world go round. Even telling her what you do on the weekends can help you see whether she has similar interests.
8. Health
As your feelings grow and the chance of commitment increases, you should be aware of her past health record (as she should of yours). I'm not suggesting that you probe into private or sensitive topics, but knowing that she is a diabetic or is allergic to shellfish, for example, can save her life.
How do you find out?
Look for signs: If you see your date popping a pill after her meal, politely ask what it's for. After all, if it were something she wanted to hide, she would take it in private. With time, you can even inquire about less obvious health issues (like surgery) while you're on the topic and once she feels more comfortable. This is a two-way street of course, so if you open up about your health, it should only make it easier for her to do the same.
7. Family Backgrounds
In the 21st century, any two people can end up meeting and falling for one another. In the past, marriages were often arranged and planned according to backgrounds and social status. Today people from different extremes can marry with the family's blessing, but of course this is not a given.
How do you find out?
Simple conversation could suggest her background, but that is half the challenge. Finding out whether her parents would object to you two entails actually asking questions about her relationship with her parents and family, how they feel (or have felt) about her romantic relationships and what degree of control her parents have on her life ‑- only not in those words. Once you become more comfortable with her, you can ask her whether she has dated people from different backgrounds and observe her reaction.
6. Spirituality & Religion
Usually, those who have an issue with your religion say so before things go further. But sometimes love blooms from unexpected seeds. When such is the case, a woman may have reservations about your religious background or vice versa.
How do you find out?
Even if you share religious denominations, you should clearly state the degree to which you count on including religion in your life. If you and your significant other hail from different religions altogether, then the last thing I recommend is leaving this issue unattended. If you thought deciding on which kind of wedding you should have was a thorny issue, just wait until the children come up…
5. Altruism & Financial Matters
If your goal in life is to build an empire while hers is to donate half her income to charity, you may be headed for splitsville. On a related note, if you want her to be independent and on a solid financial footing but see that she is keen on being served on a silver platter, then you may be headed for an expensive divorce.
How do you find out?
If you are the one who is interested in charity and helping others, tell her about some of the good deeds you've done (without boasting) and see how she reacts. Ask her if she wishes to go to a soup kitchen, volunteer at a hospital or adopt a pet ‑- her reaction should speak volumes. If she is the Good Samaritan in the relationship and you have no interest in donating anything, don't lie about it just to impress her. Who knows, maybe she'll bring out a good side of you.
4. Professional Goals
Of course it is important to know each other's stand where success and ambition are concerned, the last thing you want is false expectations regarding your respective careers. If you both want to pursue your professional development, this will impact your relationship, so find out early on.
How do you find out?
Inquire about her education, employment and professional goals. From there, give her the opportunity to state her objectives ‑- then it's a matter of seeing whether your goals clash.
3. Sexual appetite
Whatever you do, do not touch on this on a first date. By "desexualizing" a conversation, you leave her wanting more. But at some point, you need to know whether or not you see eye to eye in the bedroom; nothing can kill a relationship faster than having one person feeling undesirable or dissatisfied.
How do you find out?
Be perceptive in the bedroom and in your initial physical experiences. Try to make the first move ‑- you'll notice how willing she is to go along. Start by gradually flirting every now and then, and observe how she reacts. You should also be able to take cues from comments she makes while watching movies and talking about other people, but the truth is, she could just be a wild girl trapped in an innocent body, and you might only find out once you're under the sheets.
2. Marriage
Once upon a time, people had little say when it came to who they were going to marry. Today this is no longer the case in most countries, but this leads to a new quandary: Should you get married in the first place, especially with divorce rates at 50%?
How do you find out?
The problem is, marriage is a topic that men prefer not to discuss, while it's unfairly assumed that marriage is every woman's desired end goal. True, many women eventually want to get married, but not all of them want to be wives right away. How do you know where she stands on the topic? Rely on hints when she discusses friends' weddings (or her parents' married life). An even better idea might be taking her to a wedding or two to see how she feels about them. And if she hurls into the crowd and pushes every guest to catch the bouquet, the answer will be unveiled.
1. Children
Scores of couples have broken up for nothing other than this topic, as children tend to represent the climax of a union. However, bringing a child into this world is serious business. Luckily, you and your lady can control whether or not the time is right for you; trouble is that you have to see eye to eye on when and if the time will ever be right. Do not expect to change her mind on this one if she disagrees with you.
How do you find out?
This is something that should be discussed only once you get serious, but it cannot be left unaddressed. Once you see (and have discussed) taking your relationship to a higher level, then this one is worth sitting down and addressing like the adults you are. More subtle ways to find out how she feels about children include going for a walk in the park where you can find kids in the playground, or asking her to help you babysit your nieces and nephews.
As you can see, it's easy to know which areas require compatibility in order to help determine a relationship's success. The critical success factor, however, lies in knowing what you want, relying on proper communication and knowing how to compromise when you know you have found that special someone.
